For years, government employment was considered a stable path to retirement. Now, the city of Denver may make it easier to lay off longtime city workers. denverite.com/2025/06/04/d...

Show me the women who raised you.

Show me the women who raised you.

Show me the women who raised you

Can’t. Someone has to push the 2 hour auto shut-off override on this weighted heated blanket

Me: I love you forever. Her: Oopsy daisy.

I have one kid that'll freak if he drops his water bottle because of germs. I have another kid that'll pick up a piece of jelly side down toast that she dropped, remove the cat hairs and eat it 🤦‍♂️

xanax is greek for "i don't care"

What have you heard about the new Fantastic Four movie?

Bearing witness to the aches of existence.

Because in order to truly know me, you have to know the music I am made of.

When you can't talk to anyone, I'll sit with you in silence.

A clearly present danger

What's your story? 1. wine & woe 2. moss & magic 3. cats & chaos 4. night cheese & odd dreams

Don't wear yourself out striving for success. Drink exotic teas, read a thousand books, gossip under starlight with the owls. Become one with the mist at the heart of the forest. This is what it means to prosper.

My hope for you is that you always feel safe and warm, and that you will someday find yourself surrounded by wild Muppets in the heart of the forest, with plenty of wine & books and without a care in the world.

Your horoscope for today: Be like a black hole - bend time and space around you with the sheer power of your existence.

What's your favorite color? 1. shimmering meteor 2. mossy forgotten tomb 3. dark end of the forest 4. deep sea ghost

I guess no one at this Olive Garden is interested in my one-man dinner theatre reimagining of Evita.

Sorry I’m late, 27000 Tupperware containers fell out of my cabinet

can’t believe I have to say this again, but if you find me unconscious beneath a freeway overpass, please leave me alone, that’s MY time

running away from my problems might fix me

I remember when “selling my eggs to make ends meet” meant something entirely different.

reese with her spoon

"What happened?" "I’m stuck. It's so embarrassing." “I guess things went... a-rye?” “Please do shut up.” "You should get out of the sun." "Why?" "Otherwise, you'll be toast." "You're an asshole, Charlie." “You’re right, you deserve butter.”

Welcome to your 40s, every pee-pee time now has the potential to also be a poo-poo time.

some of you are writing bios like it's an extreme sport

The folks who like my posts even if they don't understand them are my people 💙

When it’s all said and done, the only thing that really matters is how you treated the animals.

i’m just photoshopping muppets onto the cover of vanity fair: thread

Do I like to entertain? I don't even keep extra hangers in the coat closet

don’t you hate it when you’re reaching for a bag of salad in the produce aisle and accidentally walk over to the bakery and eat an entire sheet cake

Just asked my Ouija board if I’m getting laid tonight and the planchette keeps going back and forth from the L to the O.

a romantic holiday where everyone stops talking and we give each other quiet as a gift

sometimes my wife will point to a sunset and say "isn't that the most beautiful sunset you've ever seen” and I'll agree because I'm imagining that sunset with some big 'ol titties

I Vaguely Remember What I Did Last Summer

Bluesky illiteracy is the inability to read sarcasm.

76 trombones is an alarming number of trombones

pretty cool how us tweeter refugees came to bsky and proceeded to relentlessly post jokes with the same grim, joyless determination that one devotes to cleaning their shower grout, just like we did at the other place

Alexa, pretend I said something funny.

just had the most whimsical day i can presently remember and holy fuck i didn't know how much i needed that.

“up and at them” he said, kicking off the seven step, thirteen minute process of getting out of bed

Take this 5x a day Take this 3x a day Take this morning and night Have you been sleeping Stand up without holding on Push against my arms Hold your head up Don't stop Blow out as hard as you can As hard as you can Do it all all the time As hard as you can As long as you can Harder than that

I'll tell it like it is. As soon as I figure it out.

Nobody lures you into a gingerbread house in the forest anymore.

the govt has leaked all of our personal data and all we got is this lousy case of smallpox

existential dread is so last season this spring the look will be all about flaming swords

Honesty is the best policy, I lied.