An igloo made of toupees: wigloo.

KID: what does "estimate" mean? TEACHER: take an educated guess KID: how bout u just fucken tell me

god made eve by splitting the adam.

baloney is just flat hot dogs

Once again my horse "Two Drunk Guys in a Horse Costume" has failed to win the Kentucky Derby

Anchorman: And now for weather, how are things looking outside Weatherman: Good, how are things inside Anchorman: Good Weatherman: Good Anchorman: Weatherman: Gina left me again

"I'm telling you we're out!" "Carl, our family built a career on toilet paper, don't tell me we're out!"

If Sasquatch and Mothman pull up in a white panel van and ask if I'm up for an adventure, I'm getting in the van.

Damn lizard people

I'd tell them I was five but are my veggies without complaining so I grew faster

Nothing brings people together like contempt for bad pick up lines

Our final form. Hunched and nuts!

Imagine sex with me Wrong, I'm over here Wrong again, I'm asleep

"I.. may have... finished the laundry," I whispered, then closed my eyes. Now I wait for the universe to do its thing.

We need to spread the word Too many people are living without being yelled at, on social media

Flirting 101

Fitness freaks everywhere

Nothing like getting to know someone over a sunrise.. women live surprises

Remember when you were a kid and the teacher said you can be anything you want to be? Luckily I chose lower middle class and overweight.

That feeling when you're done at work for the day but still have 3 hours till you can clock out. Not the best feeling.

Chairs are pretty great. You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

My dog just heaved the biggest SIGH that I ever heard in my life like dude it’s just Monday the week is barely started get it together

Exfoliating my skin with chip crumbs.

cop 1: shit, what now? cop 2: check the address again cop 1: this is the one they gave us cop 2: but it says- cop 1: yeah bill, i can read

I thanked my husband for cleaning the kitchen, and he said he didn't clean it. I thanked my son, but he said he didn't clean it, either. That leaves me.

who dis ?

It's that "Oh yeah, asparagus" moment that unites us

Digging new flower beds while listening to true crime. Unrelated.

Please listen carefully as our menu options change every hour.

I don't use a screen protector on my phone because I'm Catholic

I accidentally typed children instead of chicken and my plan for Friday night parmigiana just got very, very dark.

This ain't my first drunk rodeo. (the pizza isn't burnt, it's crispy)

We're bickering amongst ourselves and ignoring people's jet ski needs

The struggle for 9 year olds is real

They went THAT way officer!

Do they tell their current person about their crazy ex?

My swearing brings the gasps to the yard

Kris: Lunch? Kross: Yes! Kris: Where? Kross: Mickeddy Mickeddy Mickeddy Mickeddy Kris: CAN’T YOU JUST SAY MCDONALD’S?

"Listen to your body." My body: Die, bitch.

I’m brain dead, I got a fucking cricket in my head (seriously guys, there has been a cricket outside my window at night, thought it was cute at first, ha ha ha)

them: eat shit my dog: sounds good