i sleep naked because fighting off a home invader in the nude would be good comedy

I don't think you need complex political triangulation when the president is shrieking "I am sending in the WAR DEPARTMENT because Portland is AT WAR!" You should just keep saying that he should be removed from office because he is plainly insane

Got my performance review.

Our news networks should air an hour or two of European news every day to show Americans how flabbergasted the news presenters are here when they cover the U.S.

/to the tune of "Buffalo Soldier" Michelob Ultra

"If this is bad, I don't want good" "M is for 'Merica" "Grimace Says Eat It"

/5 Of course, the case isn’t being brought with an expectation of winning. It’s illegitimately brought to punish an enemy by a dishonest totalitarian regime. The process is the punishment.

Never underestimate the therapeutic effect of standing your ground.

Why did they call them traffic circles when they could've called them fender blenders?

This guy is murdering people in the Caribbean and deciding how much your cabinets will cost.

THEY CAN PRY MY LAZY SUSAN FROM MY COLD ETC ETC

He steps aside as the bull is coming.

a lot of people think maria from the sound of music is antifa, but she isn't, she just thinks its a long long way to run

It's my favorite display at the American Museum of Natural History come to life! (And not nearly as dark!)

CHOTINER: This game you like to play, what's it called? ME: Slay the Spire. CHOTINER: And you play it on the computer? ME: Yeah. Well, I also have it on my phone. I played another 300 hours. CHOTINER: And these other games in your Steam library. Have you finished them? ME: Now hold on a second,

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: we need to get the right more interested in autoerotic asphyxiation

Lmao this was the Jurassic Park pitch at the table from that lawyer before he got eaten off the toilet by a dinosaur

Yes I know I posted it before… I may be posting this quite a lot from now on If I need to see it, you probably need it too ☮️

NYC needs a court jester

i am seriously begging democrats to bring the same smoke to this story that they brought to jimmy kimmel being indefinitely suspended

What getting raptured taught me about B2B sales

In which we will finally learn whether Kat, brave enough to stand up to ICE, is brave enough to play JackBox games with random people on Twitch.

Opening my Shakespeare themed restaurant tonight - The Taming of the Stew.

Ran on Trumpism as an existential threat but did not act nearly aggressively enough against it. Ran on the problem of entrenched conservatism in the courts but appointed a blue-ribbon commission and did nothing about reform. Supplied Israel the munitions to kill tens of thousands of civilians.

Trump, pounding shoe: "We will bury ourselves!"

When a typo in your Google search leads to new and exciting philosophical positions

The good news is that the UN finally found the WMD.

Regret to inform you that the Rapture has been postponed. We return you now to the regularly scheduled Crapture.

Cocaine so white it builds a sundown town in your nose.

Brought to you by the same asshole who, in the critical early stages of covid, said we should stop testing because then we wouldn't have any cases.

Trump: "We've got a lot of stupid people in this country running things."

What I’m wearing to the Rapture

New rule: you don't get to ban it if you can't even pronounce it

ACOG reaffirms that acetaminophen is safe for managing pain and fever during pregnancy. No reputable studies support suggestions like those in HHS’s recent announcement linking acetaminophen use in pregnancy to autism; in fact, high-quality studies show no such risk. https://bit.ly/47Wxc59

Ah, fall, when a young man’s fancy turns to soup.

Love to have our public health system in the hands of people whose standard of evidence is more or less "things my drunk uncle told me at a cookout once."

It's just so wild to see a presentation that'd get you an F as a high school sophomore be trotted out as something Very Serious and Important by the White House, over and over again.

I have zero fucking sense of humor about this rfk shit. besides the obviously gross misreprestation/othering/etc of autistic people it's catastrophic from any sound scientific POV. any doctor who consults governmental guidelines for anything at all under this admin is guilty of malpractice

Does anyone know where there's a Rapture yard sale that I can take advantage of?

LET THE KETCHUP FLY

find me another Dem that wouldn't be too afraid to do this. seriously.

So good to see him still rockin' in the free world after all these years.

One of those double-layer onigiri plastic wrappers with bills in place of the nori. Tuna, mackerel, or umeboshi flavor inside, please.

A dark psychological thriller set in a French patisserie, call it Crêpe Fear

At some point, D's will figure out that they fail in redder states not because of their policy preferences, but because the party is perceived as weak and wishy-washy. Abandoning core principles makes the problem of that perception worse, not better.

“The FCC decided all by itself that radio and television were the only two parts of American life not protected by the free speech provisions of the First Amendment to the Constitution. I’d like to repeat that because it sounds vaguely important.” - George Carlin in 1988

Obiwan: why am I old as a ghost? Yoda: I still use a cane, I’m in constant joint pain 24 year old Anakin: word? I feel great. I was just banging this chick I met at Chili’s. We’re going to go see Keith Ur- Yoda: I should have never have believed in this. I should have never stopped being Lutheran

the mothership

I wanted to get a video of this ghost crab but every time I got close to their hole they scuttled back in, so I tried getting clever with it. I made a little sandcastle and shoved my phone into it, hit record, and walked away. Crab was VERY suspicious of this addition to their environment.

1/8 Manosphere bros are the problem. Not men. Yes, some people in social justice circles treated men like crap for just being male. That was unfair. Period. But sweeties, life isn't fair. Becoming the cartoon villain they already think you are? That’s not the move.