My sons bought me a book called The Ultimate Dad Joke Book: 501 Hilarious Jokes & Puns by Hugh Murmie, but I’m instead simply trolling them by pronouncing the name of this gift as “pi-nart,” with emphasis on the second syllable. Don’t tell me my business, kids.

I showed incredible restraint today by politely ignoring the latest clip I was sent of this freaking couple discussing natalism and race science yet again.

Joe Pesci really got his gold tooth knocked out and had his brains cooked with a blowtorch. He won the Best Supporting Actor Oscar.

John Candy only has a small part in Home Alone, but he mentions that their trip home will take them through Ohio and take about six–seven hours, so he’s now my kids’ favorite comedian.

My kids keep asking if the violence in this movie is CGI, and I have to keep explaining that there was no CGI in 1990 and the only way to depict this level of violence on film was to kill the actors.

I cannot tell you how much the mid-movie twist blew audiences’ minds when this guy turned out to be a crooked cop.

My wife and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight, on the longest night of the year, a date we picked for reasons equally romantic and comedic.

I killed with this joke today because my wife was bracing herself for something incredibly offensive about him hitting a tree while skiing and dying, and didn’t expect the answer to be incredibly stupid instead.

Interesting fact about Sonny & Cher. Cher is short for “Cheryl Sarkisian,” and Sonny is short for a man.

You know at least some of these ghouls are taking their selfies while slumping sideways with a blank look and arms raised in the fencing response.

Reminds me of the post from a goth who had a child ask her to help find her mum. Turned out the mum had taught the kids to find a goth if they ever get lost for this reason.

Things are Terrible, but this isn't. Be weird.

SIMPLY HAVING A WONDERFUL

The thing about Clinton being in the Epstein files is that it should just actually be in the US constitution that all ex-presidents have to serve a life sentence in prison.

We’ll probably never again see such a casual, celebratory, & memorable gathering of Jim Henson’s family of characters as is found in 1987’s A MUPPET FAMILY CHRISTMAS…

So the White House ballroom, based on the most recent estimates, could pay for 2667 penises?

Not 69 photos. Not 6-7 photos. Why do the Democrats have to release the least fun number of new pieces of evidence possible?! www.cbsnews.com/amp/live-upd...

One way that the reaction to Rob Reiner's murder mirrors Charlie Kirk's is that the best way to eulogize each of them is to quote their words, and in both cases, doing so pisses off conservatives.

Thank you to the linguistics experts for calling attention to how Canada’s prime minister seems to despise our variation of the English language. Stop using British English in Canadian government communications!

Reiner: oh, also I’m first going to direct arguably the greatest mockumentary at a time when that’s barely even a recognizable genre. Heck, I’ll throw in a teen sex comedy in the mix too. And not a godawful one like many of its peers.

Wearing one of these, but rushing around with a cooler full of dry ice, yelling “Coming through!”

Michael Ma collected his own conservative secret santa gift before crossing the floor BUT DID NOT DELIVER ANYTHING TO THE NAME HE DREW HE SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN JAMIL JIVANI’S SECRET SANTA LMFAO THIS DIVAAAAAA

I’ve been trying to put my finger on who Manousos from Pluribus reminds me of, and it just clicked: Mohamed Atta.

My phone autocorrected “Pink Floyd” to “Punk Fluid,” which is a good band name for any young genderqueer anarchists out there who want it.

Just saw my neighbor with his car’s hood open, absolutely coughing up a lung into the engine before slamming it shut, and I almost yelled, “Try it now!”

Oilers fans, you need to answer some serious questions about this photo I just made of your hero. Why is he with Wayne Gretzky?!

I spent a night in Brockville, Ontario, once. Longest eighteen years of my life.

My belated review of Saturday Night (2024): Would have been improved with a ticking clock in the corner and Lorne Michaels constantly yelling “We’re running out of time!” and shocking John Belushi in the testicles with a car battery until he signed his contract.

out of frame, Raymond Scott's "Powerhouse" plays as Bugs Bunny begins to saw through the I-beam

Behold, the Junkyard Dog Sporting round his neck a chain Driving home, he drifted off And found a tree stopped in his lane

Behold the mighty Junkyard Dog Who filled the fans with glee He fell asleep while driving home And crashed into a tree

To fans he’s Junkyard Dog —to friends, Sylvester Ritter— Though most simply drive past a tree He fell asleep and hit ‘er.

Behold the Junkyard Dog He loved to grab them cakes He fell asleep behind the wheel —and paid for his mistakes

Behold the Junkyard Dog The Mid-South ring sensation He fell asleep and hit a tree After his daughter’s graduation

if you were to make a gender-swapped version of James Bond, and needed to come up with a bawdy euphemism name for a glamorous and sexy Bond Boy, ironically you could do a lot worse than Roger Moore.

Time again for my favorite christmas post ever, one that still makes me laugh every time i read it

I’m stepping aside just enough to give it one of these into the street.

“Leaping” Lanny Poffo: Here’s wrestling’s Mr. Wonderful, and he is looking great. He’s handsome, blond and muscular—but still can’t get a date! Paul Orndorff: [more furious than he has ever been in his whole life]

But before you tremble in fear, bear in mind there's nothing else here. Lone and level sands stretch far away across the lithosphere. I'm Ozymandias! My glory will not pass from the earth...

Sculptor stamped my cold command on it, now I'm the lifeless king in your sonnet. See my works, ye mighty, and despair! There's a pedestal opposite me covered in epigraphy that celebrates my grandeur, lacking all humility.

I'm the king of kings I'm not the king of kings but I'm the wreckage of a king but really I'm not actually a king but I am... Shattered visage in the desert by the stone legs wrinkles its lip at you. See my works, ye mighty, and despair!

this definitely has an unusual amount of Lovecraft energy for a trophy

FIFA's "peace prize" looking like a bunch of demons dragging Earth into the pits of Hell is maybe a *little* too on-the-nose.

I like how this makes it sound like Peter Green’s band was already called Fleetwood Mac when he invited Mick Fleetwood and John McVie to join. “Guys, I have an opportunity for you that just makes sense for everybody.”

It drives me nuts. The whole point of the scene is exactly the opposite of how it was chopped up and used in online discourse! It's almost like sometimes the internet is wrong.

Yes, I give you permission to hate-download a pirated copy of ‘American Canto’

Free retort you can use on hecklers: “Hey, I don’t come down to where you work and slap the turds out of your mouth.”

I’ve been telling people for years that John Slattery prepared for this scene by actually eating bad oysters, and now I look like a fool.