I've said it before and I'll say it again: One of the biggest reasons the right wing couldn't make Charlie Kirk stick as their Reichstag fire is that none of them, including his own widow, actually and sincerely gave a fuck he died

Not only is there high-level hockey being played by Chinese teams right now, but let me be the first to congratulate the next winner of the Stanley Cup, the Shanghai Dragons of the KHL.

I’ve been saying for years that Dinesh D’Souza is the dumbest public intellectual I’ve ever seen.

If Will Lewis had any honor, he would have retired like Budd Dwyer.

When Elon inquires about the wildest party on the island.

Robert Hegyes, especially if it’s in email correspondence purportedly sent by his mother.

If I’m ever forced to attend a Ricky Gervais show, I’m wearing a matador costume and a giant crucifix to test his policy against lecturing the public.

In concert: UGH, NO WAY with special guests WHO?, NEVER HEARD OF HIM and DOESN’T RING A BELL

You can test new tech ideas using the Seinfeld Test Would the product eliminate the plot of an episode? (Google maps, cell phones, paypal, battery packs) Good tech. Would the product inspire new Seinfeld plots? (NFTs, AI chatbots, crypto currency, blindboxes, metaverse land sales) Bad tech.

Is he still planning to stage bumfights on the White House lawn or whatever?

Catherine O’Hara deserves praise for basically everything she ever did, but her work as Margaret Meehan in SCTV’s “High Q” is one of the funniest sketch comedy performances of all time. youtu.be/MIVBgOhD-fs?...

Raise a glass of Herb Ertlinger fruit wine to Catherine O’Hara’s memory.

Donning my smoking jacket, slumping down into the wingback chair by the fireplace and reaching for the decanter.

Carney needs to call Pete Hoekstra to his office and tell him to pack his shit.

I don’t envy Adam Sandler having to pay all that alimony to Rob Schneider’s ex-wife.

Patricia. The Trishmeister. Filing papers.

“Grok, write a Holocaust memorial tweet, but make it the opening crawl from Revenge of the Sith that mentions ‘heroes on both sides.’”

I said to my wife an hour ago that I expected him and Kristi Noem to be fired within 48 hours. For him, it turns out it was more like 10 minutes.

You know Alex Pretti & Renee Good—the 2 white people ICE killed. ICE has also killed Keith Porter, a Black man, Parady La, a Cambodian man, & 5 Latinos—Heber Sanchaz Domínguez, Victor Manuel Diaz, Luis Beltran Yanez-Cruz, Luis Gustavo Nunez Caceres, and Geraldo Lunas Campos. 9 TOTAL. ABOLISH ICE.

An invaluable part of any organization. Besides coining the name “Funkadelic” and recruiting Eddie Hazel, Billy Bass is the guy who tipped off Tony Soprano that Big Pussy was a rat.

In the early 1930s the SA was roughing people up, creating chaos in neighborhoods, seeking to terrorize with the occasional killing. By the late 1930s it had been supplanted by the SS, which was much better trained.

I know there are very good reasons not to do it, but it would be very funny if Mark Carney responded to Trump’s blustering and threats with the energy of Phoebe Bridgers replying to David Crosby with “little bitch.”

I’d tell him to pick on someone his own size, but that’s what we’re already talking about.

They’d better give Trump the FIFA Songwriting Prize to make up for this, or he’s gonna lose his shit.

Give me your favorite “Friendscore” artists. (Friendscore is a genre of music that either did or could have appeared in the TV show Friends.)

Idea: A TV series based on Donald E. Westlake’s Dortmunder book series with Scoot McNairy as the title character and Lee Pace as Andy Kelp.

Mark Carney should start saying stuff like "we hope to peacefully de-escalate this situation between our two neighbours, the Americans and Danish. Canadians have long valued our role as sharing land border with two distinct nations." Throw a bone to the Google Earth sickos.

In 2023, Canada and Denmark formally recognized split ownership of the tiny uninhabited arctic island Hans Island, forming a new land border. And I ask you this: what was the point of all that if Canadians can't start confusing everyone by saying stuff like "our neighbours, the Danish"

I’ve been trying to figure out how Jon Arbuckle wore down Liz the veterinarian from someone who despised him into being his girlfriend, and I’ve decided it was through a kind of Munchausen by proxy where he gave his cat chronic health problems by overfeeding him so they could spend time together.

I’m only half kidding when I say Bobby Heenan was unfairly denied an acting Emmy for this episode of Prime Time Wrestling. youtu.be/sCvi1JuF4uU?...

Every time the rest of the world responds to Trump’s provocations, he sulks like in that one episode of Trailer Park Boys where Ricky complains that Trevor shouldn’t have been standing up to him and warns that he’s going to lose a good friend.

Fresh off a podcast where he dismissed people who protect themselves from airborne infection, Stewart got many offers from experts to talk to him about the pandemic’s ongoing health threats. Instead, he platformed a Covid minimizer who has worked with RFK Jr allies to challenge vaccines & science.

“Do not engage in a winter campaign in bitterly cold areas. You will lose not just your army, but most likely your throne.” - literally every military historian ever “GET IN THE CAR, LOSERS, WE’RE GONNA INVADE MINNESOTA IN LATE JANUARY” - the Trump administration

The Nobel Committee should vacate the 2025 Peace Prize given by María Corina Machado to Donald Trump the same way that WWF President Jack Tunney declared vacant the World Heavyweight Championship belt given by Andre the Giant to “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase.

Looks like the opposite of fighting fire with fire also works.

Based on my experience of every single time I’ve come through the front door, I know that if we lived on a space station, my family would constantly try to start talking to me while I was still in the airlock.

Scott Adams dying at 68 rather than 69 is the perfect capstone to a life of being almost — but not quite — funny

Scott Adams is the Dave Sim of Jim Davises.

Say what you want about Scott Adams (for example, that he’s a huge shitbag), but he’ll leave a great legacy behind. Unfortunately for him, that great legacy is Kaleb Horton’s, but he should be happy to know he contributed in some small way. kalebhorton.ghost.io/the-d-lbert-...

[tune of John Cena theme horns] Scott Adams died

“Five bucks … is five bucks. But six bucks? … That’s five bucks.”

Nikki Glaser: “I cannot believe the amount of star power we have in this room tonight. It’s insane, there are so many a-listers. And by a-listers I do mean people who are on a list that has been heavily redacted…” Editor: *cuts to Bill Maher*

At least Bush had the sense to do 9/11 first.

ACAB includes global policemen.

One day they’re going to lie that there was broad popular support for this and no one could have known it was based on lies and would lead to disaster, so I want to say for the permanent record that I am, and have been from the beginning, against This Shit.

Pierre Poilievre is absolutely unfit to be prime minister or to hold political office of any kind.

This is an affront to everything the prestigious FIFA Peace Prize stands for, and he should be stripped of the award immediately.

“Sorry pedo guy, you really did ask for it.”

If you always pictured Vince Guaraldi as a dead ringer for the Trailer Park Boys antagonist Sam “The Greasy Caveman” Losco, you’re dead right and also a big liar.

I’m absolutely losing my shit on page one of the Jack Reacher book NEVER GO BACK because you would *not* believe where he goes right away. What are you *doing,* Reacher?!