My dog just got uninvited to Christmas

White people be like let’s try this recipe from 1955 for jello ham with asbestos

Why do I keep buying the same color eyeliner and lipstick. I feel like some crazy senile woman put all this in my makeup bags.

I want my boyfriend to break up with me, so I keep asking for an engagement ring for Christmas.

I’m open to new experiences as long as they’re familiar and don’t involve leaving the house

I have only myself to blame that's why I blame you.

Teach your children that love and loyalty don’t look like taking unlimited pain from unhealed people.

i do not want to feel things i want a collection of interesting rocks

really thought south park would have restored participatory democracy by now

I hate when you're having sex and you accidentally yell the name of the wrong Ninja turtle

Current mood

Changing my middle name to problematic.

This would fix me

Having a kid is wild, like “let me grow a person inside my body who will eventually mock me relentlessly”

In 2000, John Waters donated 372 pieces of his art collection to the Baltimore Museum of Art. They named a rotunda after him in their gallery. He requested an all-gender restroom be named for him instead. #BOTD

RFK Jr. is launching a government registry to track autistic Americans using private medical records.

I’m not saying the future is bleak, but the Tarot cards caught on fire all by themselves.

If by “date” you mean strained conversation and growing horror at each other then yes I’m on a date rn

Sorry for not having a better life plan but given how I existed off nothing but cigarettes and Panda Express for 20 years I never expected to live this long

Saturday morning on Bluesky is the Internet version of walking into an automatic door that doesn't open.

I think the main problems with my posts is that you're not reading them in funny voices. That's on you.

Once I say “I’m hungry” it’s too late, just go on without me.

you have my attention

#webcomics #comicsky Reality Check instagram.com/whamondd/

"Big Kubrick day on Looking at Picture Books" Mac Barnett and Jon Klassen go to town on PD Eastman. (plus a great link, re: hat dog, in the comment thread) #kidlit #kidlitart

One of my best friends thinks the guy I’m seeing is a demon and that God took away my hearing bc I wasn’t recognizing evil. I have no idea how to respond to this nonsense.

The Museum of Unpleasant Objects

Daaamn, that was a close call. I nearly said “I love you” to the pharmacy tech. Idk where that came from

Today would be so much better if a tiny flock of baby ducks imprinted on me, followed me everywhere, we become a little duck family, then fly south together to live happily ever after.

for every 50 likes i’ll photoshop a muppet into movies i think they’d kill in.

Apple carplay: You have veered into oncoming traffic 4 times today. Would you like me to open your Calm app?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Random Reply Guys.

Try something new every day that scares you. For example, one of these cans is my drink and the other is an ash tray

TYPES OF MIST • strange • foreboding • turns you into toad (briefly) • turns you into toad (forever) • accompanies cape-flourishing count who arrives by carriage from distant land • low sodium

if you were to tear your penis off and throw it in the water would you toss it end over end or more javelin style

A girl I knew in college saw David Lynch speak at an event. When it ended, she found a way to get to the front to tell him how much his films and shows meant to her. His response was “Thank you. And remember, the universe is in your basement.”

Just schooled a millennial about goon porn. You’re welcome everyone.

Made it on a block list for blocking people blocking me on listifications called blocking babies.

Chocolate shark

Do not leave chocolate at my house and think that you are going to eat it.

There has to be any easier way to not get laid

Dibs on thundersnow.

Religion is what happens when mansplaining gets out of control.