Not my dimensional gate, not my demons.

my skull cracks open and my thoughts swirl up into the sky my feelings creating stars that shine back down on me sitting still and finally ever so quiet

This is why they don't let me sit near the emergency doors now

[watching popular media as an old guy] thank fuck i dont know who any of these people are

are you latin because you are joaquin all over my heart

beelolzabub is this anything

*The guy from Doom strolling past Quake*

Not my dimensional gate, not my demons.

It’s Monday. Go at it like a pack of popular high school girls bent on taking over the world.

It’s actually pretty bad for your mental health to know stuff

“We’re really trying hard to get pregnant” “Dude, aren’t you married to a guy?” “I never said we would be successful.”

His vibe is definitely “Asians? ASIANS? They’re Oriental, you hear me? Oriental!”

red shirt, on the away team... first to get blasted by an alien...

We all dream of being in Starfleet and being an officer … but let’s face it, some of us would end up as maintenance technician, entry level.

Guy world: Your college dorm mate is a total stranger that will end up being your best man at your wedding. Girl world: Your college dorm mate is a total stranger that you hate so much, you slowly poison her instead of asking for a room change.

Apparently, some alcoholic loser gave what can only be described as a masturbatory performance in front of a bunch of guys who really don’t like him, and it went as well you’d expect … and then his boss, this toxic narcissist with little hands, followed. Samesies.

Shiver me timbers! It's International Talk Like a Pirate Day! Smee! Get me my red velvet outfit! #TalkLikeAPirateDay

new avi who dis

“I CAST …” “I would really appreciate if you didn’t start with the fireball, Wizard” “What?” “You always cast fireball. It all burns to the ground. Your overreliance on ‘fireball’ has cost us so much mana … and lost us so many quests.” “I … didn’t … I … don’t … nuts. I do cast fireball a lot.”

CNN: Stroke? ABC: Stroke? MSNBC: Stroke? The Stroke Channel: Stroke? HGTV: Stroke? FOX News: The Death of a Patriot: Profile of an True American Hero

🎯🎯🎯Fox will do anything to protect daddy Trump! Besides, you know those old azz Fox viewers don’t know what the hell K-Pop is. 🤣🤣🤣

what if our tongues touched in the $5 dvd bin at walmart

A sci-fi story about a functional family where everyone is treated right in a loving environment — because they’re in the bowels of an alien being that lives off the brain chemicals generated from good feelings.

Just saw one of my favorite passengers from last year for the first time this year, and she hugged me. Both her and her sister had some crazy shit happen to them on my bus last year, so now I'm famous amongst their friends. Tonight is a good night.

bill for my life insurance was sitting on my phone and the wife wrote PAY THIS ASAP on it, so goodbye everybody

CBS: Epstein Survivors NBC: Epstein Survivors ABC: Epstein Survivors CNN: Epstein Survivors WE: Epstein Survivors Hallmark: Epstein Survivors Survivor Channel: Epstein Survivors Fox News: Is “K-POP Demon Hunters” turning your into a Satanist?

He went to bed in a summer home. He woke up in an altar to all things Pumpkin Spice.

I’m thinking of wearing a tight white T-shirt but I’m not sure if I can pull it off.

I want to have the kind of love Freddie and Stuart have for each other.

M3GAN: Roboticist uses robot to avoid parenting her orphaned niece. #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

Happy Labor Day to all the oppressed masses that work regularly so a few fat cats at the top can purchase all the politicians.

Uno reverse cowgirl

“After the third pandemic started, no one was really surprised to watch the lynching of the worst Kennedy on live TV.”

"... and that's how grandma ended up at the medicare labor camp, putting strawberries in the containers to get her meds."

I’m thinking of a number between 1 and your Mom’s body count

Me. I'm the creature that ruins the quince

If I had a nickel…

It’s all fun and games until the dark portal opens and the creatures from the horror dimension ruin the Quinceañera.

Since they abruptly disconnected, follow up with an email. Tell them about the power substation I guess? No rush. Just, before your shift ends, if you remember.

It is like a bitlocker key

To clarify: you can’t just read the fence number. It’s in tiny print on the other side of the fence and there are 5 different numbers printed, all 15 digits long.

My Dollar General is now serving alcohol. What time do you want me to pick you up?

“Jurassic Park IT Support” “THE FENCES ARE DOWN!” “Which fences?” “ALL THE FENCES!” “Could you read the fence designation number? It’s at the base.” “THE RAPTORS ARE OUT!” “I’ll open a ticket for you once you give me the base number” “AAARGH!” [Line Goes Dead] “I guess they don’t need a ticket”

JAMES DOBSON IS DEAD!

Freaky Friday: Mother and daughter swap bodies. Freakier Friday: Grandmother and granddaughter swap bodies. Mother and fiancé’s daughter swap bodies. Freakiest Friday: a multigenerational and multigender body swap opens a transdimensional gate and the dead evict the living out of their bodies.

“I don’t like those parts of the Constitution. Take them out. They’re icky.” “But, Mr President …” “THEY’RE ICKY!” “OK …” [Social Media Explodes] “WHY DID YOU TAKE THOSE PARTS OUT OF THE CONSTITUTION?” “Mr President, you told me to?” “I DID NOT! PUT THEM BACK!” “But, Sir ..” “PUT THEM BACK!”

shitposter? [takes a drag off my candy cane] no kid im just an idiot with a phone and no filter