In a headline that would make even the most hardy of Onion writers quit in a rage: United States President Awarded First FIFA Peace Prize During the 2026 FIFA World Cup Draw Event

i got frankie a soft little heat pad (a little mat with mylar in the layers that stays warm when she’s on it) and she’s fucking obsessed.

Opportunistic power hungry social climber leverages fortuitous event to eliminate all political opponents and consolidate power base to take over the world. #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

The working classes are cursed to forever carry the ghosts of the rich on their backs

They weren’t even liked by the other white people in Massachusetts

Let us remember that the Puritans chose to leave Europe and settle in America because they were religious extremists. They weren't very much liked in Europe, like at all.

X updates its software and shows the country of origin of accounts. … revealing that a lot of hard-core red-hat accounts are based in other countries. That’s a big “oops”

Plur1bus — Curmudgeon hates change. #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

Wait a cotton-picking pico-second … Jeffrey Epstein thought our brain-addled leader was gross?

As dystopias go … this one feels like a low-effort b-movie type.

“I still get all teary eyed every time I look at the thermostat and remember pops’ loving words, ‘NEXT EFFER WHO TOUCHES THE THERMOSTAY DIES! I’LL GO TO JAIL HAPPY!’ He loved us so much!”

“There’s no way he’d ruin the Lincoln Bathroom” *** Sees photos of the remodel ***

well thank you autocorrect for changing "i wish you were here" to "i wish you were her". i didn't wanna have sex anyways

Life is a like a box of chocolates … if you eat them all once they’ll make you sick.

What happened here in California tonight is a victory for the people of this country. Donald Trump’s attempts to rig the midterm elections are backfiring. His attempts to silence you are backfiring. His entire presidency is backfiring.

We say they're being cute, when really they're just mocking us

I’ve known my husband for 25 years but I still feel we’re in that awkward getting-to-know-you phase.

Which is the most seductive song you’ve ever heard, and why is it “Black Velvet”?

does anyone have the real-time location on the smurfs

I want to have the same staying power as Michael Crichton ... who's suing from the grave about how "The Pitt" is just "ER" with an new dress and sexier lipstick.

“I’m as straight as a single, unattached Republican male over 40!”

It would appear that 1/3 of all ICE applicants can't pass the physical agility portion of their application ... The failing applicants are referred as “Athletically Allergic.” I guess “super unfit soy boys” might be a bit offensive?

Ok Red Sonja

“I’m an old-fashioned gal. All I really want is to see my man go berserk and then come home bathed in the blood of his enemies.”

It's not gay if you notice your newlywed coworker has engaged into a new fitness trip and his pants are fitting him tight, showing off his assets ... ... unless you're fighting the urge to undress him with your teeth

“He’s so hot!” “Yup” “Is he really that dumb?” “This is not the first time this week he got his magnificent wiener stuck somewhere.” “This week?” “This week”

“I did the dishes!” he declared proudly “You’re my big, strong man!” she said sweetly “Get me out of here!” meowed the cat from the dishwasher

Vampires are creatures of glamour … If you feel your date is too hot for you, meets you only at night, and keeps talking about how great your jugular looks …

“I did it … for Johnny!”

“Twinless” with Dylan O’Brien and James Sweeney is a really good movie — completely unexpected plot.

Not my dimensional gate, not my demons.

my skull cracks open and my thoughts swirl up into the sky my feelings creating stars that shine back down on me sitting still and finally ever so quiet

This is why they don't let me sit near the emergency doors now

[watching popular media as an old guy] thank fuck i dont know who any of these people are

are you latin because you are joaquin all over my heart

beelolzabub is this anything

*The guy from Doom strolling past Quake*

Not my dimensional gate, not my demons.

It’s Monday. Go at it like a pack of popular high school girls bent on taking over the world.

It’s actually pretty bad for your mental health to know stuff

“We’re really trying hard to get pregnant” “Dude, aren’t you married to a guy?” “I never said we would be successful.”

His vibe is definitely “Asians? ASIANS? They’re Oriental, you hear me? Oriental!”

red shirt, on the away team... first to get blasted by an alien...

We all dream of being in Starfleet and being an officer … but let’s face it, some of us would end up as maintenance technician, entry level.

Guy world: Your college dorm mate is a total stranger that will end up being your best man at your wedding. Girl world: Your college dorm mate is a total stranger that you hate so much, you slowly poison her instead of asking for a room change.

Apparently, some alcoholic loser gave what can only be described as a masturbatory performance in front of a bunch of guys who really don’t like him, and it went as well you’d expect … and then his boss, this toxic narcissist with little hands, followed. Samesies.

Shiver me timbers! It's International Talk Like a Pirate Day! Smee! Get me my red velvet outfit! #TalkLikeAPirateDay

new avi who dis

“I CAST …” “I would really appreciate if you didn’t start with the fireball, Wizard” “What?” “You always cast fireball. It all burns to the ground. Your overreliance on ‘fireball’ has cost us so much mana … and lost us so many quests.” “I … didn’t … I … don’t … nuts. I do cast fireball a lot.”