He'll be giving a speech at a dinner, as he's leaving the stage he'll turn suddenly and shout "boo!" Everyone, generals & princes, will scream. He'll double over laughing and crying and have a heart attack. It's not fatal but he falls off the stage and lands with his head in a soup tureen and drowns

rapist politics

imagine if congress were alive to see any of this

He’s stopped saying Greenland and is now calling it Iceland. Lost it.

Just full-on self-parody this season. Well, if they’re jumping the shark anyway, how about a little fan service (have it happen on camera)

“let’s make heaven crowded” is the kind of shit you yell to your army of serfs before storming the walls of a stout keep

Fuck this. Literally something that had been fixed

I have it on good authority that on his deathbed Scott Adams (the creator of Dogbert) converted to the light of Allah and the Word of His prophet Muhammad (pbuh). His final words were the Shahada. Allahu Akbar, indeed!

My parents are in the very tiny sub-sliver of humans who have ever lived who say “wooder” and “tomahto”

No, but seriously, Greenland is the greatest crisis of my lifetime. Makes 9/11 look like the Cod Wars

Many people don't know that Al collaborated with Wendy Carlos on an album. share.google/rQYjzfAietZq...

Dreamt workplace goodbye party for a hated (by all but me) janitor involved mostly people dressing up as GWAR with blood spewing cannons and when I shouted “blood for the blood god!” someone corrected me that GWAR chants were more like “16-22-64!” I replied “I believe in a single coherent universe”

No, but seriously, Greenland is the greatest crisis of my lifetime. Makes 9/11 look like the Cod Wars

It brings me no pleasure to announce that the president is dead. Executed for crimes against the Republic of Viet Nam

Anyone got a timestamp for the last Truth Social post relative to the time the plane turned around?

JFKjr is alive, he just likes tax breaks more than anything, so it’s not really worth leaving Skowhegan to make a fuss about

It happened! Sort of. The president was replaced months ago by a double (whose main qualification was an identical signature, they’re nothing if not sticklers for the law). The double has now died and they had to go back to DC to collect the actual president, a voracious lycanthrope

completely unironically, this is how we'll know

My first cigarette after five days was sublime, my first custom negroni was bliss, but I’m old, so the real treat was getting back to my slippers You may ask, “you didn’t smoke for five days?!” Yeah, I’m old, I have self-control. It’s nice

Ah, the Irish! Or, as they’re known to Philadelphia WASPs, the white Italians

My parents are in the very tiny sub-sliver of humans who have ever lived who say “wooder” and “tomahto”

“Dragged out of their life” is a great phrase (pendantry aside)

The most new york ad I saw in new york over the holiday weekend

I have it on good authority that on his deathbed Scott Adams (the creator of Dogbert) converted to the light of Allah and the Word of His prophet Muhammad (pbuh). His final words were the Shahada. Allahu Akbar, indeed!

i think it's heartwarming that jd vance will raise this child as if it were his own

No country should trust us unless we dismantle our fascist machine. If we sweep in 2028 but don’t put our Nazis in prison for life, EU will know we are still a pathetic joke of a country that could tilt back to fascism in the blink of an eye.

Great news from the AI people!

Mobile needs a mayor who kvetches more. A Roseanne Roeseannabama, if you will

I thought this was one of those “dropping pianos” sort of satirical but it isn’t

South Florida needs a good mayor to start pushing back the fash. A Zohran Miamidani, if you will

Attacking a treaty ally (Denmark) is exactly the sort of obviously illegal order that soldiers should not obey. The Republicans who control congress, have the power to go on record, abrogate the treaty and declare war, to make their god’s whims legal. But I imagine they don’t want the stank

Saw an advertising monolith on the upper east side that was playing a video of Mamdani and ending with the location of the nearest food bank/shelter (not far). It was genuinely moving. A mayor—of New York!—giving a shit!

Marioquai

I think my meds have made me TOO well-adjusted

Applause for @heawood.bsky.social

This is right up there with “If I Did It” in terms of poor title choices.

A good thread. Targeted sanctions will work if properly targeted. Trump has already demonstrated with this whole Nobel Peace Prize stupidity that he *hates* being defied personally.

every single goddam crisis happening right now is self imposed

😚👌

My sources say “french onion” flavored stuff

This Greenland business is the greatest crisis for the West since ww2

Charlie and a Chocolate Factory

In the Jorts of the Crimson King

Has anyone ever stopped to ask Billy Crystal what he thought about the Coming to America sequel? Little fucker probably had some dumb shit to say

Dreamt about a small alligator laying eggs in a box of snow, but also producing milk. It tasted okay. After finishing laying eggs it split the whole back half of its body to expel its ovaries. This may sound magical or horrific, but this was all taking place during a very mundane work conference

I’m still scarred from my fourth grade smelling bee

As much I've resisted writing about Richard Coffron over the years, I decided to do a little profile on him after his latest "Pine Guard" stunt. open.substack.com/pub/andyobri...

He’s posting at other countries through diplomatic channels now

If US forces attacked Greenland, US forces would be obliged to defend Greenland. That’s the crux; do president’s illegal orders supersede existing legal obligations? (Obviously not, but that’s the ? for the army) That’s the hub of civil war scenario, or the Enabling Act-equivalent of a new reich