My left shoulder is like one of the less popular members of an ensemble TV cast who develops a substance problem and starts disrupting production for everyone

[waking up]: oh what the fuck now

👇🎯 This is how governing works in literally every actual democracy around the world. If you don’t have the votes, it’s up to you to make concessions to the minority parties. It’s not their job to save you from your responsibility to govern by giving you things you don’t have the votes for already.

Look. Invading our own country is about as straightforward a case as you can have for impeachment. The GOP abandoning the Constitution is kind of the only story there is and it gets no coverage.

It's mid-80s in October and there's not a single child at any of the playgrounds at the park, maybe the rapture really did happen

I assume that Joanna Gaines is the reason there are six (6) houses in my subdivision painted white with black trim?

You basically just have to babysit yourself for your entire life

Sorry I can’t invest in your pyramid scheme. My moneys all tied up in groceries.

I'll never forgive my fellow Americans for electing this utter piece of shit. They enabled an entire government full of the worst human beings imaginable and most Americans are too ignorant to even understand what they've done.

Accidentally thought too long about how small my dog is and got emotional

I have reached the "massaging coconut oil between my dog's toes" stage of eccentricity

Do it, then. For once, Democrats have to let people get what they voted for. This is going to be painful for a lot of people, but it's time folks understand you don't get to vote for the bigotry while being saved from the rest of the agenda.

I, too, would make sure that all the people who would need to coordinate to halt or reverse my political progress were gathered from across the planet in the same room while I demonstrated why they should probably do that

if i were a would-be dictator whose only civilian check on power had been consumed by total-complete partisan loyalty, something i would definitely do is call an unprecedented in-person meeting of the only people who could stop me and then proceed to illustrate why they should stop me

It’s like every meathead bully you went to school with who would knock a pile of books out of someone’s hands while calling them the f slur is now running the U.S.

Does anyone know how to relax

I think I deserve a raise* *someone to hold me aloft like a trophy

Fall is being withheld until we get right in our hearts

Can't decide what to do today. Either tackle some yardwork or retreat into the disembodied half-life of the internet to find a similarly disaffected stranger who will affirm my personal grievances and crazy impulses.

Me: took a sleeping pill and accidentally lapsed into a 9-hour coma Oura ring: your sleep score is 77

My teen son has directed me to "snare a silver fox" at the event I'm attending tomorrow, here's to manifesting

I am what I had to be, but I’m trying to be more.

anyway periodic reminder that congress can at any time they wish, and should tomorrow, end this

I just want the lifestyle I'm providing for my dog

every techbro is a panicked animal primed to stampede toward fascism at the slightest provocation

However much you hate your annual gyno appointment, you don’t hate it enough because literally EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT IT could be less painful, less humiliating, and less poorly designed if any of it had been developed based on actual science and not Man Science.

some scientists taught gorillas sign language and one would sign about his dreams, he called them, “sleep pictures.” and the president of the usa cannot pronounce acetaminophen.

even for an unhinged presidency this week has been pretty fuckin unhinged tbh

As America's most pro-business leader in a generation, I will choose one company each week and accuse them of witchcraft

Everything RFK Jr. has been up to can be explained on the ground that he's a plaintiffs' personal injury lawyer and is dispensing goodies to his buddies in the plaintiff's bar

Blessed are the people who can go out with wet hair without worrying about what it’s going to look like when it dries.

Overdressed! At the Walmart

The thing about middle age is that I've been searching my house for the nice clutch purse that I last saw 15 years ago

anyone want to be friends with drawbacks

Apparently at some point I swiped left on my motivation

one of the reasons i am always on about porn brain is that i think "actually women are secretly into being dominated and would be soo happy in my imagined patriarchy" is a key implicit premise in this line of thinking

You're not yourself when a creeping shift from democracy to authoritarian dictatorship undermines free expression and dissenting voices. Have a Snickers!

a good arbiter of how close we are to bad hybrid regime shit is if the political comedy shows start getting pulled for whatever reason

[a new thing pops up to be mad about] sorry but right now we’re booking out like three months on things to get mad about. take one of these buzzers and, when there’s time to get mad about this, we’ll call you up

[after looking at the news] well, it's time to go and do something relaxing like watch horror movies for the rest of my life

hello 911? yea its me again…uh huh thats right, theyre still posting his exact quotes

"He reviled, belittled, and demeaned large numbers of my fellow Americans, but he was quite cordial to me" sets my teeth on edge.

I seriously don't know how to explain to people that it is not in fact a sign of maturity and democracy to peacefully debate whether certain groups of people should be allowed to exist

Just very sick of performative cruelty being a daily baseline national experience

His bird show is on

Here’s the thing: if you believe people like Charlie Kirk are just sharing “opinions,” you can’t, on the other hand, blame left wing rhetoric for his death. Either opinions are powerful and capable of fomenting hatred and violence, or they aren’t.

When a right-wing man murdered Democratic lawmakers in Minnesota, progressives asked MAGA to tone down the rhetoric to prevent more violence. Within hours of Kirk’s murder, motive still unknown, the right is demanding that the government wage a campaign of violence against their enemies.