Grilled cheese and Olympics?

Being glued to incredible Olympics coverage for the last two weeks has been a welcome reprieve from all the usual bullshit I’m normally glued to.

I have two main types of coworkers: checked out and prickly gatekeepers.

“THROW HER, THROW HER!” my wife screams while watching pairs figure skating with the passion of 80,000 Romans gathered in the Colosseum circa 100 AD

Being an adult is cool because you’re exhausted all the time but you also get the satisfaction of not really accomplishing anything

it’s called a british gentleman’s cane because chapstick was taken

Today, the Trump administration repealed the endangerment finding: the ruling that served as the basis for limits on tailpipe emissions and power plant rules. Without it, we’ll be less safe, less healthy and less able to fight climate change—all so the fossil fuel industry can make even more money.

Luge doubles is hands down the coziest Olympic event

putting a rotisserie chicken on each hand and boxing people at costco

A stingray is just a regular ray that tells you not to put on the red light.

Before Mr and Mrs Potatohead tied the knot, they were cohabi-taters.

I rarely forget to log out before I leave the bathroom

Called two gym bros 'swolemates' today so I'm posting this from inside a locker.

I’m obsessed with you?? YOU’RE the one that won’t get out of my head!

I bet it feels so good for the parking lot to be empty after being full all day

My boss can talk for 45 straight minutes without taking a breath.

Stop mansplaining The Silence of the Lambs to me, I dont need a Hannibal lecture.

Got fired from my job as a vet because I told a lady I was ‘hoptimistic’ about her rabbit walking again lol and also because I’m not a qualified vet.

Quiet you. Just let the rich people tell us what to do

Therapist: what seems to be the problem? Me: singular? that’s cute

*looking at the Mona Lisa* there is no way a turtle painted this

I bet I could skip this phone halfway across a big pond on a clear day

For years, I thought DEFCON 5 was more serious than DEFCON 1, and I'll be honest: a lot of people died

This day in history. 1509. The Battle of Diu in India saw the Portuguese navy defeat a joint fleet of the Ottoman Empire, the Republic of Venice, the Sultan of Gujarat, the Mamluk Burji Sultanate of Egypt, the Zamorin of Calicut, the Republic of Ragusa, the Ace of Base, and the Kings of Leon.

We just have to make it to jorts season. Balance will return. Society will heal.

I love that Trump can’t win with his Kennedy center, so he’s just closing it for two years! What the Kennedy family should do now is ask for their name to be taken off Trump‘s center and have some wealthy donors build a brand new Kennedy center.

If they are truly "only after dangerous criminals" ICE should not be able to lay a hand on ANYONE unless they have a warrant for that person. Random abductions of US citizens should be punishable. ICE should be held accountable for bodily injury, damage to property and loss of life. ICE OUT NOW!

To all the Minnesotans who are making their voices heard and protesting peacefully: The world is watching, and when change comes, it will be because of you.

Just once, for posteriorety: www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVsl...

Everybody is wrong except for me

You've totally changed my perspective, angry guy who can't spell

So it now appears the safest place to be is in the epstein files and at a screening of melania

Them: What’s bsky like? Me: It’s like if a butthole, a pizza, someone’s pets and depression walked into a bar

'Bluesky: not so much a social media site, more a facial tick'.

Just divide by zero who gives a shit anymore

It's pretty apt that there's a single r in 'loner'.

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

I’ve reached an age where I no longer dress to impress the ladies. I just want to look presentable for the ambulance ride

so they are justifying killing pretti because he kicked a federal vehicle’s taillight eleven days earlier? you mean the vehicles they use to intentionally ram into other vehicles on a routine basis?

No arrests of the ICE thugs who murdered Alex Pretti, Renee Good, or Keith Porter. No arrests of anyone in the Epstein Files. But they arrested Don Lemon because of his journalism.

thought I was passing a kidney stone but nah, it’s just january.

Meteorologists are much more likely to say, welp, I don’t know than they were in the day when the forecast was, get your ass outside and buy your mother cigarettes

Everyone knows the first coffee doesn’t count.

MS NOW: Should there be accountability for Stephen Miller? WALZ: There better be

Thank you, Mr. President.

Drinking my coffee in the bathroom because I can't microwave eggs with the bedroom lights on.

ICE is not broken. It's agents murdering people, taking trophies of victims, using illegal tactics, breaking laws, spreading terror, and leaving death cards are not isolated events, outliers, or accidents. ICE is operating exactly as intended.

I want a Hallmark lesbian romance featuring two military wives who leave their enlisted husbands for one another, call it U-Haul of Duty

This giant ICE Army they are building this year is also likely to be at polling places during the midterms in heavily Democratic precincts with the excuse being that they are looking for “illegals trying to vote.”