Since social media is terrible now, I mainly go online to argue with Australians about what day it is.

hinged enough to be relatable, unhinged enough to be entertaining.

I’d adjust my meds for you.

sorry guys dirty deeds no longer done dirt cheap in 2025 but i think you'll still find my rates competitive

You know you’re getting old when you’re waking up on New Year’s Day about the same time you used to get home on New Year’s Eve.

I’ve reached the age where I take the ibuprofen before I go out.

♫ psycho killer, cat cassette ♫

I think I’ll just continue with my resolution from the past few years: Hang on for dear life

“I'm worth it" I whisper as I take a multivitamin for the first time in weeks

HIM: Will you please be serious for a minute? ME: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* mmm ask again later

**drawschalk outline around that other app**

When I cook breakfast the kids call it “goth breakfast” because I burn everything.

my favourite colour? oh it’s in the ultraviolet spectrum, you wouldn’t know it.

Have you ever had a breakup that was so bad you had to change your text message sound

[teaching my kid to be an independent thinker] Google it yourself son

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I'm standard. ME: That's not what STD is short for Grandma.

Detective Mills: WHAT'S IN THE BOX? Gwyneth: relax darling, it's just a candle Detective Mills: oh dear god no, I really hate Christmas

I always give people my full attention unless literally anything pops into my head.

If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s really a beautiful, uplifting story of a shark overcoming his bulimia.

Meet Stanley. Stanley doesn't give a fuck. Not one teenie tiny little fuck. Zero. Fucks. Fuckless.

Who called it a cub and not the bear minimum?

i wasn’t built to work i was built for shenanigans and bottomless fries.

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

*buying tampons (on speaker phone) What size is your vagina again?

Fun fact: if you’re old enough to remember when a bunch of old farts called the Traveling Wilburys had a coupla hit songs, then you’re now older than they were in the 80s. You’re welcome.

The end is NYE.

Just used my hand to flip a quesadilla on the hot pan. Am I an abuela now?

Tell people who are cranky that they’re probably just dehydrated. Works every time.

My 2025 goals include having enough deodorant left at the end to do both pits

I don’t want to say it’s been a while since I groomed but my bathroom looks like someone detonated a bomb on a 70’s porn set.

Whaddya say we go back to my place…I’ll put on some Leo Sayer and slip into some lederhosen.

no one has as much unfounded hope as the person who just left me a voicemail

turning all the condoms inside out so they’re ribbed for my pleasure

[David Attenborough voice] and although the female human is no longer hungry, she returns, once more, to the fridge.

was hoping to forget everything i’ve learned about myself on this journey of self discovery

I might not be athletic, slim, or stylish but at least I forgot where I was going with this.

I could sit around and stare at screens all day with you

My 2025 goals include having enough deodorant left at the end to do both pits

It’s always difficult explaining to the kids that their goldfish ran away.

You will be visited by three spirits…

Don't talk to me while I'm listening.

What day of Christmas does your true love send you sideboob?

Anybody else get mozzarella sticks as a gift?

I’m beginning to suspect that drunk me doesn’t give a flying fuck about sober me.