ronald mcdonald is not a clown. he's just irish

oh you celebrate mario day? name every mario

where the #gays at

I hope whoever liberates us is very sexy.

Sitting in your car is pretty much the same thing as standing in the shower just like Warm. Nice. Alone. Quiet. Aaahhh.

Who named it [NOUN] and not [PUN MY UNCLE WOULD ADORE]

The government should deliver you a little cookie at the end of each night

if your apparel isn’t gay you can get the fuck outta my life

You know it's bad when your doctor is like, "I'm not sure if this is depression or if you are simply having appropriate emotional responses to an unending cavalcade of terrible events."

party tip: leave as soon as you get there.

I'm not religious but damn do I love a christian carol. "O Holy Night"? It is if someone's singing that song. "Fall on your knees" ??!! Already down here, buddy. You've knocked me out

friends, romans, cunts: listen up

I love when the subtitles tell you what kind of mood the music is evoking.

BREAKING: everything

Inside me are two wolves and they are somehow both orange cats

Rihanna had her boob signed by Mariah Carey at her concert last night: “Mariah Carey is signing my t*t y’all.”

teaching my beloved son the true meaning of christmas (killing him)

mistle toe fetish

who up waning they gibbous

No one ever told me I’d spend so much time as an adult stressing over garbage day landing on a holiday

waiter: what would you like? date: I’ll have a ravioli me: I’ll also have some ravioli waiter: two raviolis then? me: no I want like 15 waiter: date: me: at least

Starter pack? Well, I would love to start with coffee and donuts, please.

me: you dim sum, you lose some waiter (in chinese to other waiter): poison this man

i just finished baby proofing the apartment [rattles locks] no way they're getting back in

Before I got a phone I just used to stare at my hand all day

I just had a chocolate milk for the first time in I don’t know how long and I am straight-up giddy

there should be a Waze feature to report cybertrucks and teslas

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you're on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

Not sure what possessed me to make this

i genuinely love touring but the exhaustion gets sooo real

while dating: my beauotiful girlfriend, while engaged: my perfect fiancee, 5 minutes into being married: my bitch wife,

Do I need 150 HDMI cables? No, of course not. Do I HAVE 150 HDMI cables? Yes, of course I do. Who throws away a perfectly good HDMI cable?

Guys ...the Linkin Park album is really good.

Some exciting personal news: I've just wedged myself into the small gap behind the dishwasher for reasons unclear even to me

applying a cold stick of butter to my wounds

seeing videos of jon batiste makes me so happy he's such a happy camper

It was the Busta Rhymes It was the Wusta Rhymes

I love my bedtime routine! First I catch up on the absolute worst takes of the day, then I stare into the darkness in silent agony

Where's all my heathens at?

every time you get a new follower you should make sure to repost all your old bangers, in case they missed them

why write a long-ass "following up!" email when you can just send "pls."

To the tuna who died to get put in a can that wound up in the back of my cabinet until past expiration and which I just threw away: lol owned

i caved in and bought a jacket 😔

Also fyi since my October was deleted by election stress I’ll be doing a little trick or treating for Thanksgiving this year, so if I show up at your door with an empty plate just whack some mashed potatoes or stuffing on there for me okay? No need to be weird about it.