threateningly

look at my beefy son

very pleased to find out that on new years eve people used to wear tiny little versions of real hats to celebrate

porn

i could've carved a thousand marble statues in the time i've spent trying to figure people out

was looking into a dog walking service and one of the FAQs said "what happens if my dog goes missing?" which i thought was weird??? like how often is that happening to even have that on there. so i looked up reviews... they have lost AT LEAST NINE DOGS. this is a dog losing service.

it seems just a moment ago i looked with promise at a very long weekend and yet now we go headlong back into hell

in theory i do like the concept of a "jingle bell square"

people are complaining about Pluribus like "it's just a woman in her house all day and night, really boring to watch" but i am also that, and i actually find house and me quite interesting

it's "will i ever warm up" season in my neck of the woods here in throw blanket county

i literally never want days to end. i want no one to need sleep and everyone to stay awake with me until it's tomorrow morning and we can have coffee again.

online shopping is so fun. i want to look at 400 sites and 6,000 items to find the one very basic thing i want that seemingly doesn't exist

this was the chorus to MMMbop by Hanson last time i did karaoke

this means everything to me

i don't really like power couples. one half needs to be kinda quiet and not show up to stuff

in "i guess this is who i am now" news, another year of growing pepps and making my own hot sauce in the books

went to the eye doctor yesterday and she said everything looked great but then kept reiterating "just come back immediately if you start to see spots" and i have to be honest, i was not concerned about spots before but now i'm a bit nervous

a man standing next to me on the train passed out while holding onto the subway pole and we had to shake him awake and he wouldn't wake up then finally he did and goes "sorry i just really don't feel well" and then the doors opened and he walked off

since when does the calculator app keep history of all your calculations. this is so embarrassing. in May i did "18+14" help

meet me at

i want this to spray my body

just learned there's a city in Alaska called Unalaska

all everyone had to do was be against mass murder from day one, but instead they were like "now now let's think about this for a sec" for two fucking years

i know canadacore when i see it

You used to be able to explode a lightbulb by accident more times in your life

it looks so fun

house music on at the bar and the chorus is just a guy saying "i wanna see all my friends at once"

the idea of changing the aspect ratio on prison CCTV footage is so incredibly funny. are the Epstein tapes gonna get 70mm showings? did they color grade it like The Green Mile

the Reply All ep breaking this down would've gone so hard

hurtful way to double down

"It's like when Dylan went electric," I say, thinking about when Jessica Fletcher switched from a typewriter to a PC.

literally the bravest thing you can do in a household is reorganize under the kitchen sink

ohh didn't like a movie i like? sounds like a you problem loved a movie i hated?? feels like that's on you

i love him but he has no idea

raven on a smurfs billboard

one day your life's normal the next you're getting 0.0007 cents from the Criterion Channel settlement

contestants at the end of jeopardy should have to shuffle out from behind the podiums so we can see the rest of them. what's going on down there

thirtysomething maga woman driving with a dog on her lap was provoking protestors and a guy yelled "I HOPE KRISTI NOEM DOESN'T SHOOT YOUR DOG" which i really enjoyed

my insane kitten kept dragging individual Crocs up the stairs late at night which really did sound like a human man trudging to come do a murder so i bought her her own baby Croc and now it just sounds like a lil child is coming to kill me each night instead

*kicking bee hive* [the bees get angry, sting] everyone, the bees have launched an indiscriminate attack against me

'The Ugly Stepsister' is so fun and gross! yay for Scandinavian freaks

not much of a suicidal person but linkedin gets me pretty close

in new york we like to get a bacon cheese and egg for bfast, then take the 4/6/5 to West Village & grab a cut of pizza slab for lunch

hey @chicago.suntimes.com I was wondering how you square being the "hardest-working paper in America" with using ChatGPT on a summer reading list that you didn't bother to fact-check whatsoever??? lmk!

if you don't have a stockpile of 25-90 lil containers in your home to sporadically put plants in, i guess congrats on being sane or whatever!!!!

if you want my opinion, there is genuinely no way to stop myself from saying "my tummy hurts" whenever my tummy hurts

does anyone want to come over and not actually come over and please leave

bill gates prove your philanthropy by giving away your money to me to buy a house