just keep scrolling! content will save the world!

If a candidate doesn't share the values that are most important to me, I won't vote for them! I'm not a sports fan dude, I'm not here for the logo

My response to any defense of AI in the arts is “show me something good made with it.” We’re three years in with this stuff and brother, I’m still batting a thousand

Dystopian Sci Fi: after The Regime installed FearNet, they used its extensive surveillance data to create bespoke tortures for each individual" Real life: The government has demanded that every business give them one million dollars or they will go to jail

A big source of hope in the face of authoritarianism is that the movement's most devout followers have content brain. All these people's political effort gets spent shrieking at Starbucks baristas who didn't give their cup of deeply specific tea a little kiss for the fallen YouTuber

It's so funny to see companies learning that most people will act in accordance with their values but most of us just aren't as annoying about it as conservatives are

"Whaaaaat...cancel my streaming subscriptions?? But that would mean I'd have to use physical media *I'm getting visibly stronger and more powerful* I'd be completely reliant on my extensive collection of physical media...."

You can declare yourself a Friend To All Bugs at any time. It does wonders for one's appreciation of nature and also eventually allows you to call on them in hours of need

We must destroy every screen with a bat

I think my new book is very good. Really nailed it on this one, feeling very proud of it

I actually think it's really important that Kimmel doesn't do this!!

i do not think americans want to live in a culture where jimmy kimmel is considered too edgy for television

I wrote about "Obeying In Advance" and phone addiction and how at some point we have to look at the number of mass shooters that view violence as an extension of shitposting and ask "Are we, as a species, incapable of surviving extended exposure to the internet?"

Calling peoples' employers in a rage because their tributes to Robert Redford weren't horny enough

Dan’s pitching heaters and drafting beaters

I wrote about "Obeying In Advance" and phone addiction and how at some point we have to look at the number of mass shooters that view violence as an extension of shitposting and ask "Are we, as a species, incapable of surviving extended exposure to the internet?"

Checked in on twitter and everyone over there thinks Venom is real and he's in Panama

Every week I make one million dollars on Draft Kings betting that everybody’s gonna have fun out there

Before Pokémon, the idea of a candy being rare was pure fantasy

I started the process of moving my blog to my own self hosted website and with great respect to the many other people who've done that, I do not think we're getting anyone off substack until there's an easier way to do this

Really truly hate people who talk like this, watching snuff films on your phone for two years has done nothing for anyone and bragging about it is admitting that it’s become an elaborate act of entertainment for you

I've refused to destroy a spiderweb on our porch because I believe it to be career best work from the spider. Now everyone is mocking me, saying the web is overly sentimental and doesn't even get close to the provocative highs of the spider's early work. Jesus, I say, shut up, is your heart empty?

The word "Luddite" is not an insult in a world where refrigerators play ads

I think if you listen to a podcast with fake AI people saying AI generated words you are functionally dead, you are basically a phone to me at that point

I hate that every store has a rewards program now, you could buy live bait and you’d get a text about how you have 12,000 Worm Points

Crazy that modern conservatism revolves around crushing the curiosity inside yourself until you do a Wilhelm Scream every time you see a restaurant that doesn't have chicken tenders

I remain astounded by Trump's ability to do every crime in whatever fashion makes him look the most undoubtedly guilty. "Ah yeah time to write the sex trafficker a birthday card, better draw the silhouette of a nude child on it in case all the references to "our little secret" are too subtle."

I believe that turning up the saturation on photos of fall is one of the great sins of modern life

Celebrating the return of fall with “horse lunch” in which I get three apples at the produce store and walk around in the sun eating them

I was at a yard sale in the new neighborhood today and a guy shoved past a literal child to rifle through a pile of pokemon singles, something needs to be done about these guys lmao

Beside the point, but man, there is just not a better looking city than Chicago anywhere in the US.

Perfectly harpooning a delivery robot through the heart and gorging myself on the treasures of its innards

such a classic scene

I think it rocks that when Edvard Munch's buddy went through a bad breakup he painted a bunch of paintings of him looking like this. All dudes should be willing to do this for their buds.

You know that right wing meme when they look at a baroque church and are like “no one knows how they did this. We’ve forgotten how.” That’s how I feel about this 36 seconds of 30 rock

So does this mean they just get to forcibly pay us all three grand to steal our books or is it that we get the three grand and they no longer can use our work in their AI model? Because if it's the former, eat shit!

Today is one of my favorite days in North Amherst, when someone has to slowly walk around my friends’ yard, carefully collecting all the baby snapping turtles so the crows don’t eat them.

Removing friction from the world does not make it better. This is the primary lesson of the 21st century thus far and we've learned it HARD

Dream sequence episodes...always disappointing. "Did you know the worm he saw represented death" of fucking course I knew that, never accuse me of not knowing what a worm represents

Who can forget when my notorious twitter character Jum Grum was doing a bit where he was "maintaining his purity for spring" that was suddenly interrupted by the COVID-19 pandemic

This is the only First Look we should get for sets

Okay when I watched Blues Clues as a child I didn’t know I was entering into an agreement to see a video of the main guy crying every five years for the rest of my life

Sometimes youll meet another parent and you'll tell them you have a kid and they'll say "that's great, I have two" and you have to be like shut the fuck up no you don't, you're lying

If you thought Learn To Code was bad, just wait until you meets its somehow more cynical and depressing sibling: Learn To Grift

I've never been more sure that we're at the end of something than watching so many talentless reactionaries get handed every single thing they've ever dreamed of without even a moments reticence from the people at the top

Love when Parm activates my stupid guy cortex. I'll just be petting him saying shit like "little, little, cat" or whatever, it's incredible

(said in the most annoying way possible) "This is actually my *second* National Guard occupation"

Auto insurance got cut in half because we left Glendale, what a beautiful, cursed, town.

It's really funny to have a president whose late in life desires seem to be 1) finding a way to get to heaven and 2) getting to use a nuclear bomb

Parm’s Chicago transition has been dramatic. He’s serious now. Grimdark Parm.