I can reverse park under pressure but I cannot decide what to watch on Netflix without having an identity crisis.

All cacti are succulents, but are all succulents cacti? and other things I think about on random Tuesdays.

In the final episode of House, he redeems himself for his many misdeeds over the years and finally changes his name to Home.

ME JOINING THE HIVE MIND: sup HIVE MIND: no thank you

When the kids were tiny, I had a flat tire in the pouring rain. I started to read the manual (I've never changed a tire) when along came a lovely man who changed it for me, getting soaked in the process, & he wouldn't take any money. He just saw us loaded back into the car & he left 💕

I’m leaving my money to dogs.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. dedicated his life fighting for equity and justice. He taught us that even in the face of intimidation and discrimination, we must never stop working towards a better future – a lesson that feels especially relevant today.

TEARS FOR FEARS: I wanted to be with you alone and talk about the weather AL ROKER: [starts sweating, loosens tie]

Thank you for the invite but no, I don’t go outside anymore

let’s see The Proclaimers do that

A stroke, on stage, accompanied by an explosive bowel movement.

The thing that I hate most in the world is some mother fucker in a Winter Park McMansion who thinks that scamming people is cool and smart but paying taxes is for suckers. These dicks think they’re winning but their souls smell like ass and they’ve built nothing but wealth.

I bet the guy who invented ice fishing really hated his wife.

[my funeral] Priest: Grant was a father & a husband Guy In Back: WHAT Priest: He was a father & a husband Guy In Back: LOUDER Priest: HE WAS A FATHER & A HUSBAND Guy: WHO FARTED ON DONNY OSMOND?

eating the last of my kids halloween candy level of stoned

I have the utmost respect for Senator Kaine and Senator Warner but we do not need “coaching” on redistricting coming from a cuck chair in the corner. How about you all stay focused on the fascist in the White House and let us handle redistricting in Virginia. 10-1

This mood boosting body wash better be benzos and mushrooms or I'm calling corporate.

i’ve started stepping on lego pieces on purpose to start building my immunity

I tuck my son into bed, as I leave I trip over a Lego and land awkwardly on a pointy Batman action figure. One orphan creates another

If I win big, I won't tell a soul. But there would be signs.... 1968 Chevrolet Chevelle | Beverly Hills Car Club share.google/1Dml3RHt54IX...

cursing will continue until morale fucking improves

Apparently someone has a card worth $500 cos it's rare and it's pretty.

I have no idea who or what I was talking about. Who's Jim??

No, dummy. You're supposed to be awake from 12 to 5 PM, not AM.

My eyebrow mites are partying again.

Today I realized I'm too old for it to be shocking if I suddenly died. Nobody laments about losing someone who had her whole less than half of her life ahead of her.

Merrick Garland and Chuck Schumer were the exact wrong guys for their moments.

Police hope to catch them all

Grandma always said: You can't paint a house with a bottle of nail polish.

They might be giants? It should be obvious. If there's a question, they probably aren't.

Sucking on a chili dog, outside the tasty freeze..

“Ah good, you’re awake. Please don’t bother trying to move. Now, I just have a couple of questions for you. If you answer truthfully, this can all be over quickly, but if I think you’re lying, I will introduce you to my friend Klaus over there, and trust me, you don’t want that.”

The vicious circle of contempt.

The edible kicked in right as we began our restorative yoga practice and man, it was restorative!

Grocery shopping edibles ftw!

Fuck yeah

Me rn tbh thinking about really getting back into cigarettes

man, we picked the wrong time to stop sniffing glue

That is very good news for me..

goddammit I hate this fucking shit

reminder to not be too hard on yourself if you are feeling major anxiety at any of the truly insane headlines you are seeing these days. it’s likely because you haven’t spent 10,000 hours mastering how to be immune to the truly insane headlines you are seeing these days

Next time, let's try to send a pod of orcas to St Barths.

My grandfather fought on the beaches of Normandy, but I have a little heater under my desk with a remote control I can BEEP BOOP if my legs get a little chilly.