If I extend this cyber Monday deal another day I’m gonna be fuckin fired, but I don’t care. I don’t fuckin care. You guys deserve this.

Happy Thanksgiving from me, and my local zoo’s nutting turtle.

i've never actually seen The Passion of the Christ but i cherish my Chinese bootleg dvd

the universe may be dying. entropy will probably win. but I exist at the same point in space time as cool ranch doritos. I wonder what other snacks I’ll get to eat

the guys and i have noticed you festering lately. do you need a safe space to burst?

news reporter: so you really saw an alien and aren't just saying that to get on tv? me with better haircut than usual: yeah that's right

adulthood is like you wake up and someone is like “that will be $500”

Buying a company by taking out a massive loan, then making the company you bought responsible for paying off that loan, is so patently evil that it should be beyond illegal. The kind of thing that inspires enlightened societies without corporal punishment to bring back the death penalty as a one-off

Always wonderful to bump into my old friend Daniel Radcliffe!

wrote about the most beautiful play in college football history channel-6.ghost.io/the-2025-top...

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

Charles Xavier: My school helps mutants control their powers. This is Cyclops, he was my first student and he is totally incapable of controlling his powers. This is Jean Grey, she started with Scott. She also cannot control her powers. And meet Rogue, yep you guessed it, can't control her powers

The Silver Age of comics was hilariously unhinged

I love firing searing bolts from my sentient ring, The Enigma, and wearing my damage-resistant silver sequined jumpsuit.

Post a PERFECT phonograph cylinder from the 1890s that isn’t by John Philip Sousa

Not sure anyone can start off a song and make you feel true emotion like the twins. It’s like they are speaking to my heart.

I’m always standing like this. Nobody can take my back pocket goodies. Not anymore. Not after the incident.

This is the correct treatment of accused and admitted podcasters

all of us at the end of this shitty week

We gotta reel in the people naming plants

I’m in your artisanal soap store placing all sorts of parabens in there. I’m taking your triple milled lavender breeze and taking it down to only double milled.

if you Lock In just right on monday morning around 10 you can accomplish more work before lunch than a feudal serf managed in a whole harvesting season

We went with my mom to the lovely celeb cemetery in Westwood Village, some of my all-time favorites are taking their final naps there. But this is potentially the single greatest headstone of all time, my man.

the correct serving of noodles at any one sitting is always oodles

Unless their demands are met

There’s a tornado warning for the Texas town with the world’s largest knife, and baby, I wanna see some results

They’ve been holding these charity events for 40 years and yet they still haven’t found a cure for wrestlemania. I’m starting to think the whole thing is a scam

The "duvet cover" is a government program to test how docile the population is. They want to know how much Bullshit we'll put up with. They are laughing at us

although atheists do not believe in the resurrection of jesus christ, surveys show that 90% of atheists do believe that the easter bunny is a real rabbit who distributes eggs and candy to children. you might not agree with them but please remember that everyone’s beliefs should be respected

Light rain here, however there’s a chance of the Son coming out later.

New Gemstones episode on Easter

Sure, I could delete the app, but I would miss a chance to learn from the experts.

I don’t come down to the dick sucking factory (where you work) to bother your aging grandfather, (the founder of the dick sucking factory) about how much his grandchild sucks dick. Your grandmother (the ailing, long suffering CFO) doesn’t need those kinds of problems, does she?

I think the late nineteenth century manual labor job I could do is "bartender cowering behind the bar during a cowboy brawl"

my hope is that AI can empower the Dumbest, Least talented slobs i know to replace everything i ever loved with One Million Years of Content

to the Joker, these are regular snacks with mentaiko mayonnaise flavor

I'm a moderate on the issue of cars, I don't think they should be banned but I do think they should all be this. Now I know what you're thinking: what if I need to go fast or need more space? That's just too bad

saturday

Asking my wife to get up at 4:30 am so she can cut up fruit that I can dunk my face in and being concussed at 4:30:15

Drake took so many L’s this year it was bound to end sometime

my all-time favorite St. Patrick's Day tweet

#Doves with jobs: Home builder

Sad minor key cover of Roundball Rock in movie trailer

(picking up a can of chili at the store) well i'll be... those Hormel boys actually pulled it off

(chuckling wisely) You fool... I am getting my ass kicked *strategically*

They call him Chuck Shoe-mer because he gets off on Republicans walking all over him.

you've been hit by you've been struck by a huge vehicle

I like when people wear shirts with their favorite band or movie on them. They should make shirts for more general stuff like "sitting down" or "garlic bread"

i feel like if i was up on the moon i could walk around up there without a space suit on pretty easy. probably wear a jacket but id be fine