Gonna go into a chicken establishment and demand all their legs.

I have a medical note for work that allows me to be undisturbed for the whole day while I practice my Keagle’s so I can crush the patriarchy

I used to moonlight as a bouncer at a meat packing plant.

Did you know Anne Boleyn was in the second season of Chopped?

Getting the supreme car wash because I love sour cream

you don't hear much about wet heaving

I want my hour back.

True independent thinkers don't change their clocks just because everyone else does. I will do my own research and determine what time it is

trying to eat healthier

if i was Picard I'd put a really loud exhaust on the Enterprise

i’m not saving daylight this year you guys are on your own

Changed my clocks already because fuck that hour. I don't want it anymore.

Onion rings but it goes to voicemail.

“safety in numbers” i whisper, while filling my purse with donuts

Letting an account I just followed smell my hand before I riff in their replies

Hot dogs and rice but it’s a one pot meal and dogs are whole

soon we’ll be receiving spam phone calls from kristi noem telling us our shield of america warranty is about to expire

Screaming

a marsh but it’s full of mallows omg

ICE recruits should be the first ones shipped off for “war.”

My favorite part of the work day is getting home and laying around with my tits out for awhile to recover

The world could be such a nice place if we allowed it. It's all so goddamn unnecessary. There's no need for any of it. It's so beautiful here. It should be so cool to be alive

Sorry can’t, I’m spooning my dog.

We are all meant for the flies

eating mcdonalds for a whole month so it shoots out like FlexSeal

[calling timeout for just a sec] is this circle jerk bipartisan?

Fixing my problems one slice of cheese at a time.

If you would walk a thousand miles just to be the man who wound up at my door I’m sure as fuck not answering it

20's: sheets of acid 50's: sheets of cheese sticks

The SOTU is an absolute joke

New Jersey has proposed the F.U.C.K.I.C.E Act. www.nytimes.com/2026/02/21/n...

I smoke to remember

You just cut off the strange bits and move on with your life

“We are watching one of the wildest things a nation-state has ever done," journalist Garrett Graff wrote: "A superpower … suicide because the [Repub] Congress is too cowardly to stand up to the Mad King. This is one of the wildest moments in all of geopolitics ever.” @hcrichardson.bsky.social

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep. In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone: “2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.” You’re all welcome.

Told the barista my name is "It's gonna be okay." She keeps saying it. I'm on the floor crying

Y’know I don’t even want a president anymore.

mine is this one

the purpose of a rube goldberg machine is what it does eventually

back in my day, beans used to be a lot cooler

Thine own shart be true

They called her “lipless Lisa”, which isn’t entirely true; she had 3 out of four. Insane accident. Definitely a the left one, we only know from the lore.

Mike's hard sour cream. Now with twice the corn

I’m back on *my bullshit *tylenol and ibuprofen

RELINQUISH THE WORLD TO THE WOMEN

Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.

crabs probably think they’re walking forwards