alright. I thought the Juster would be a big hit. I thought everyone would love the Juster. Turns out he sucks. Everyone hates the Juster. The Juster is dead on arrival

working on a new character that’s a guy that thinks “cui bono?” is italian for “what’s good” and keeps using it as a casual greeting. not sure if he has any other qualities yet

Pointing to a girls airpods on the train and mouthing "Hoobastank?"

call me boring if you will but I am a will and elizabeth turner stan theyre great. willizabeth 4 lyfe

You can crabsolutely pug your phone into one of my snoutlets.

Im going to organize a sex party at my place and invite over all tops then be like "oops. I have no idea how this could have happened. Im sure we'll figure something out!" 🙃

website that picks the Rothko closest to how the weather feels in your location (by Joonas Virtanen) rothko.joonas.wtf

Clumsy oaf. You've hurt yourself.

Currently living in Robocop Detroit. I wear a hat so broken glass doesn't get in my hair. Crossing the street means I see four or five crimes. All the crooks are really sarcastic and unecessarily mean. The smallest gun is the size of a barn

The difference between having a cat and having a dog is staggering. Having a dog is like having child who’s disgusting. Having a cat is like having a painting that’s mad at you.

piddle me piss, batman

Scary Movie should have a storyline where a ghost is trying to haunt a woman who keeps insisting she’s being haunted by her trauma or grief but the ghost is like no bitch I’m not your mother im just a friggen ghost

YOU - “I don't understand. Ruby's a woman, right?” KLAASJE - “Yes.” YOU - “But…you're *also* a woman.” KIM KITSURAGI - “Women like women too, officer. Try not to fixate on this.” PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT - Well, I'll be damned! That's one more thing we know about the world!

38 y/o victorian era gf who still says "balderdash": they're debating whether showing ankle is a sign of moral decline and i just can't with the parlour today Me [heard "ankle" and got so hard I got phlegmatic]: I think I hauve consumption

snack 'em jack 'em robots

good news everyone! grogu drank too much last night and crashed his honda civic into a telephone pole and died

if i was going to give a college commencement speech i would make sure to start with something the students could rally behind. something like "we will mechanically suck the youth from your bones to feed a mechanical eschaton, which my generation will use to climb heaven and become new gods"

Spread the word. The world is coming to an end. But it's nothing to worry about.

Living here means neighbors constantly reminding you to watch out for the “rat hole”. You don’t want your dog near the “rat hole”. The “rat hole” is, naturally, a hole in the sidewalk where rats come from. The rats? Apocryphal, and yet: the *hole* is very real. Dare you? Dare you risk the rat hole?

trying to make amends after my disastrous unicycle practice session on the only beach the turtles do their eggs on

mr. met is like doctor doctor when i make love to mrs. met, it is so short-lived. i don’t give my wife the pleasure she deserves and the doctor is like, the solution is-a very simple. just-a think about baseball. and mr. met is like, but doctor, I am baseball

ConAir and Wild at Heart both start with nic cage killing a man and serving time for it, while being separated from the woman he loves. throw raising arizona in there somewhere too. Whats the de

okay, don't panic, this isn't an ideal situation but just keep your eyes on him and slowly back out of the room... yeah just leave the clown statue, it helps him sleep

Whatever it is, I'm not interested.

09 May 2026

*crouching like a gremlin* me thinks I'm a little depriveth of sleepy weepy 😂😭 *stands up & speaks in a clear deep voice* Guys, let's all have a great day today *darkens* No matter the cost.

The Chilling Of A Sacred Beer

ELMER FUDD: ahhhhhwwwaa..... da spice mewange.... found oenwe on da desert pwanet of awwakis

MAMMAL BULLYING A REPTILE: Nice body temperature dude. Did the sun pick it out for you

I'm at the Met Gala, but they lied to me and said the theme this year was Livestock. I came in a pig costume and now everyone's laughing and oinking at me. Venus Williams punched me in the stomach then said she's going to honey bake me and carve me up

I see

the meaning of rebecca: pure 💛

Thinking about baseball.

Travis: you talkin to me?? Girlmoded Daffy Duck with rock hard nipples poking through her dress: well I'm not talking to the curtainth!!

hey thanks for that, sorry i took a while, you didn't look away from him did you? he gets closer if you look away

Wasting your entire life can feel daunting. Just focus on wasting one hour at a time and you'll get there

i love the nba but it's not a sport. any physical competition held indoors is not a sport, it's "horsing around," a category that also includes hockey and many baseball and football games. nascar's place in this discussion is unknowable as no one is certain of whether being in a car counts as inside

I understand that air fryers are very useful but they’re also the most sexless kitchen tool imo. Something deeply uncool about them, I can only really describe them as the labubus of the kitchen

(flirting) you have the wettest eyes i've ever seen

Him? I think I've seen him in The Rat in the Pot.

behind every great man is a great woman and behind her is a leopard. watch out!!