Hands up if you are normal and love teeth

this is the perfect opportunity to Make Aunt May Old Again. they should bring rosemary harris back

you can't put the toothpaste back in the tomb

the sun is in the epstein files

finally got poke after thinking about it for like four days and it was so good i saw the face of God

McCall's Grape Juice has been clinically proven to prevent divorce in 95 percent of households

there should be a time machine that's only for eating at restaurants that have closed and every home should have one

It’s both funny and cosmically correct that the U.S. men’s hockey chodes will have to sit through 2+ hours of rambling from their addled little king while the U.S. Women’s team gets to skip the speech and party with Flavor Flav in Vegas

If you shout “fuck-ass bitch” while Trump is speaking you’ll receive $1 billion in donations tomorrow and immediately become the 2028 frontrunner. It’s crucial you do not do this.

Never a big Narnia guy but this 6 seconds typifies everything I love about British television.

every mission in spiderman 2 is 33 percent too long

I think about this tweet every time I feel something online start to curl its annoying little grip into my head

fell asleep and dreamed we'd ordered pizza from the fancy pizza place for dinner, then woke up and went to get leftovers and there were no leftovers because it was dream pizza. i'm devastated

🎵crunching time one last call for alcohol but only the kind you can chew🎵

i think sometimes about how elon musk had such a good pr team that the average person was basically convinced he was iron man and all he had to do was keep his incredibly stupid mouth shut and stay out of the public eye but he couldn't do it because he's too annoying and now everyone despises him

why don't you make like a tree and live for hundreds of years

blue wizard needs hog badly

it's so cool that even horrible demented england is doing something about the epstein files while we just get fox news hosts asking if it's really that bad to rape chidren

i feel like i'm constantly the thirstiest person in the world and never realize it until i take my first sip of water and then immediately have to take 40 more gulps of water

too horny to go to work today. i'm sure they'll understand

What you idiot commies don’t understand is that if we tax rich people they will JUST LEAVE, depriving our nation of tax cheats, political bribery, and national acts of perversion

I don't know that any social media platform is good for you but the stated intention of the owner of twitter is to make you worse and studies are now showing that he's having some success with that. This isn't esoteric, everyone knows it. So at this point being judgmental about staying there is fine

kisses are the punches of the mouth

this is obviously true But Also! enabling genocide in palestine ranks higher than winning elections, in the list of democrat ambitions. even if they'd known this information ahead of time, they would not have changed course

i'm not a fast food snob but Dick's is the grossest food in the world and i don't understand why it's so beloved

being alive in the internet era is a nonstop carnival of horrors but being alive before the internet era also seems awful. imagine having to sleep with everyone you wanted to see naked. my body count would be in the hundreds of thousands

many are saying: woims

i wish elon musk had killed himself in his 20s but barring that i wish he had just shut twitter down when he bought it instead of turning it into a nazi den. i used to love that place and it makes me so angry and sad to see what it's turned into

The stupid thing about social media arguments about social media is that everyone who has them is a 40 year old arguing about which site frequented by 7% of the population is more relevant, meanwhile everyone under 25 is on something called Blooble inventing new words to scare us with

the sun is a sex pest

what if you found out that all the terrible shit happening in the world was caused by you specifically because you failed to forward a chain email

more people should be named Humberto

every time i play a video game i think about how fun it would be to be an adventurer, but the truth is i don't think i could handle all the fighting and killing. even a low-level rat or goblin would freak me out and i think i'd quit forever the first time i hit someone and they didn't die cleanly

do you think gwyneth paltrow married chris martin as part of a long plan to kill all the members of coldplay and then the opportunity just never presented itself and she got tired of waiting

Every single element of life is either more deadly, more expensive or more inconvenient (often all three) today than it’s been in decades & it’s purely because our robber baron overlords decided to dedicate the entirety of the US apparatus to doing barbaric & culturally suicidal white nationalism

what should i order from the bar tonight

i'm not telling anyone what to do but tbh even ironically engaging in the sudden onslaught of using terms like max and mog feels extremely astroturfed and i'm just not doing it, that shit's a tulpa, man all of it is tulpas you don't have to substantiate the tulpa man

i would kill a man for in-n-out right now. especially if i got to choose the man

new pizza place opened in my neighborhood and they’re charging $10 a slice 🙃 i would love to be dead

i just saw a guys head fall off in the parking lot. the police showed up but they said there was nothing they could do. one of them took a twenty from the guys wallet and said they were going in to starbucks to test whether his money worked. i hope it does

should i get an olympic rings tattoo? i bet i could pretend to have competed in some obscure winter sport for the length of one party conversation

i have become deeply obsessed with french toast sticks. they're so good and all you have to do is toss them in the oven for 10 minutes and then you have a delicious treat and your whole apartment smells like cinnamon

i don't understand how figure skaters do their routines without getting dizzy and falling down and throwing up. i know about spotting but it just doesn't seem like a sufficient defense against all those spins

everyone loved the tech industry's free music and friendship machines of 20-30 years ago. it's unclear what could be causing people to feel the opposite about the industry's new racism and insanity machine

How many thinkers/writers/academics/philosophers profiled or platformed by the NYT ended up in the Files? None of these people matter, but they get to comment on what's really American because they all are in pedo club together.

please give me a death note. it would only take like 45 minutes to make the world 70 percent less annoying