do not forget that we the people have the power to chart a different path than this

your draft folder has everything- unshared grievances, a list of flirty skeet ideas, disjointed dream recollections, unsent snark aimed at the day’s main character, a midnight crossfaded post that didn’t send for some reason

if you don't feel funny, go watch a bug for a little while and think about how you act

I have zero tats. That makes me the Wasian Pete Davidson

to say nothing of the cock

you have a moral responsibility to be a goofball

your balls release twenty million tons of CO₂ into the atmosphere every day

holding an April 15th ADHD party (we all sit in a circle and say to the next person "I need help, can you just stand there and watch me until I file my taxes?")

i google most of my "low hanging fruit" jokes that I feel someone else may have already come up with and the out loud "HAHAHA YEAH" i felt when i googled this and didn't see any results was euphoric

going to stand up at the hoa meeting tonight and tell everyone we need to fight the pope

You’ll survive but you’ll be funnier in ways that worries people

Whatever you do,

As of today I no longer consider myself a Cadillac

lmao

Trying to come out of comedy semiretirement (depression)

Breaking: HHS’s ban on gender-affirming care is struck down. Rarely have I read a ruling this sharply worded. “This case is one of a long list of examples of how a leader’s wanton disregard for the rule of law causes very real harm to very real people.” www.advocate.com/politics/nat...

[dinner party] you are all special to me so i cooked slabs of real plastic *lol* none of those micros everyone are eating

Tupac, Biggie, Ice Spice...please just let the rappers live

This was shit we were fighting twenty years ago. More than that, actually.

Three examples that show the lack of integrity at HHS under RFK Jr: 1. Claimed that 10 kids died because of the COVID19 vaccine, never produced data. 2. Believe that glyphosate causes cancer, say nothing when Trump orders more. 3. Say that leucovorin treats autism, no FDA approval for this.

The FBI Director, the DC US Attorney, and the Secretary of Defense walk into a bar. Apparently like every day.

to defeat math you need to think like a number

Desperately hopeful that Nate’s Cybertruck is a recurring character on this season of Euphoria

in the Cars universe, tire pix are the equivalent of human feet pix

The Israeli army struck civilians in the Lebanese city of Mayfadoun. And then, the Israelis double-tapped the medics who arrived onto the scene. And then, they triple-tapped the next wave of medics. And then, they did it one more time for good measure.

not to brag but I am routinely outwitted by rodents

Pretty frustrating that the New York Times is crediting AP with uncovering the existence of Aadam’s archive when I reported on it 15 months prior. chicagoreader.com/music/gossip...

your ten minutes (20 minutes) or my ten minutes (3.5 hours)?

New goals unlocked

me and the fellas are going down to the seaside tonight to get reclaimed by the ocean

"Those taxes you just paid? The money is going straight into Trump's pocket" would be good messaging

Go away! <flirting>

that's my favorite actually (jkjkjk)

This woman is a handpicked Trump supporter from Arkansas and she is less anti-trans than the median Atlantic columnist

summer's ruined, thanks Malia!!!! www.cntraveler.com/story/how-tr...

Why would you even visit Hawaii if Elvis wasn’t giving a concert there

I have to be the only person under 105 to be a little sad that Tom Jones is retiring

Ponder our deepest unarticulated insecurities and chill?

(Hank Hill voice) That Pikachu sure loves to say Pikachu

Ancient curse. Ten minutes before may you remember that it's a Zoom and not a phone call while you look like unshaven, unbrushed John Belushi hungover in pajamas.

"The reason [hapa] feels good is because it's always felt good" !!!!! putting this on a t-shirt www.npr.org/sections/cod...

The best podcasts are done by people who are funny in a way that makes it difficult to find steady employment

I just slow-blinked at a baby

after a quick review of my timeline i feel the need to point to the sign

I think not enough people understand that the pushback against renewables and EV's is money. Without getting too in the weeds: renewables cannot ever be as profitable as oil and gas. EV's don't make as much money as gas guzzlers. That's it. That's all you really need to know.

is my bit about Nick Reiner still timely

I abruptly unfollowed Hasan Piker when I learned that he has admitted to previously hiring sex workers. Carried along on a second wave if you will. But if he'd admitted to doing sex work I'd probably still be following. I contain multitudes! 🤷‍♀️

The thing about there needing to be a path of redemption for people who have been “canceled” is: there already is a path to redemption and it’s called “redeeming yourself.” The path is open! No one is blocking that! You just have to do it!

they’re calling her the most baby anybody has ever been

my honest reaction: