Hateful as a default personality is so ugly. God don't like ugly.

I put the ex in sexy ...Am I doing this this right?

(Trying to eat steak) "Honey, can you get me an Amazon box opener?" Him: "You mean a knife??" (Like Ariel looking at a dinglehopper) "Knife?"

You do not even have to believe in your parachute, it just opens. That is the new mindset. Side effects include silverware, confetti, a flag that pops out to say bang like that's all that's going to happen. But you'll be fine. Slowly Going Downinex, a meds you catch in your mouth.

Hot liquids in your area want to scald you.

square dancing was proto-swinger culture btw. your grandparents were sick freaks

thank you for interacting with my posts, which triggers my powerful manic state and enables me to do more crimes

Have you ever heard the horrifying sound of jello being shredded?

The "clouds follow you when you're sad" crowd sure is quiet about this "cheer the fuck up" wave

I'm tired of people telling I look tired so now I respond with "Well, you on the other hand, always look very refreshed." And when they thank me, I like to add that being a good person is exhausting.

Bro, you don't even twist like we did last summer.

This craft beer costs more than a regular six-pack but at least it's a four-pack.

i ' m g o i n g t o g o o u t o n a l i m b h e r e -sloths, probably

Ned Flanders at the gym just killing it with diddly-squats

As I entered an office building for a job interview, I heard the song Bad Company playing in the lobby. If there was ever a sign to turn around and walk out, this was it.

*walking into party supply store* Where’s your pity section?

?

Please don’t talk to me until I’ve finished this bottle of wine.

Accounting should be in the 2036 summer Olympics.

remember how your parents used to condemn the person you were dating by saying they were going nowhere. how fucking blissful does that sound now

Random Salad (high calorie version)

One word to describe your account + your favorite food Cringe Wrap Supreme

INTERVIEWER: congrats you got the security guard job ME: *already asleep on a folding chair* INTERVIEWER: whoa hang on you don’t start until monday

Trying to move, but open.spotify.com/track/1StXVL...

Me, trying to talk when I'm drunk open.spotify.com/track/0QtHKx...

I just assume if you block me it's because I reposted politics. And you know what? FAIR

At the stage of drunk country music is fun open.spotify.com/track/6IAr0w...

Kinda weird feeling fat and sexy at the same time

Not me being a ho on Twitter🤓

Feel me? No really *squeeze*

He dropped his business plan while saying "fuck the man"

I'm going to bed. Y'all survive without me and be your awesome bad ass self. Yeah? Yeah!

You matter! Stop right now.

I tried. I really tried.

I'm ho-oh-oh-ome

Optics. Dress nice. Highlight the difference between people in body armor with weaponry and citizens. There is a reason Martin Luther King and civil rights marchers dressed in their Sunday best even though it was hot as hell down south in the summer!

Excited and a bit nervous to run Dorian Gray’s picture through this aging filter.

Texting without emojis feels like trying to cry in Times New Roman.

If you guys don’t see me for awhile, it’s because I’m exfoliating and moisturizing.

Vacation has been great except for the nightmares, screaming, and peeling rubber leaving our haunted Airbnb at 2am.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but your hearing-aid batteries are dead.

You know, once upon a time the news didn’t have me staring into space in disbelief.