I'm one art heist away from giving my children generational wealth

I could go for a Binaca Blast.

I put the oop in nincompoop

Just got back from the Riyadh Comedy Festival and boy are my arms chopped off.

At the Riyadh Comedy Festival, it’s less ‘take my wife - please!’ and more ‘return my wife, please, she is a British citizen and a journalist and her incarceration violates Articles 17, 20 and 39 of the International Conference on the

Ever since the War ravaged Portland, you can’t even get basic necessities like hacky sacks or Himalayan salt lamps.

can't right now. visiting the same five websites over and over again.

Tylenol? I was born in the ‘60s - my mom’s GYN told her to smoke Chesterfields and drink Schlitz during her pregnancy.

Make a porn wholesome: Deep Thought

you’re never more than 10 feet away from someone texting “lol” with a completely expressionless face

She’s a 10 but she says ek-cetera

Trump: don’t take acepitoemponoene RFK Jr: *moth crawls out of mouth* A nude man is in the background, only referred to as “the colonel” Person watching on tv: well if they say so

See, complaining about it on Bluesky worked!

I'm in the sub-prime of life!

Whoa we're halfway there Whoa running from a bear

Best movie soundtrack? Repo Man

well that de-escalated quickly

rewatching NETWORK for a project 👀 and it is absolutely shocking how prescient this film is. it’s like paddy chayefsky was granted a vision of america in 2025 and he furiously tried to turn what he saw into something intelligible to viewers in the 1970s

If you hear about an armed hostage situation, it’s because I’m at the dentist and they just played that whistling song by Edwin Sharp and the Magnetic Zeros.

My hip hop name would be Kurtis Wheeze

What would happen if the whole world shitposted at once?

Luke Turner and guest Jude Rogers go on holiday by mistake to discuss masculinity, England, and myths of a healing countryside in Bruce Robinson’s masterpiece Low Culture Podcast: Withnail & I buff.ly/WpIOK7N

Combine two programs to make something great Chico and The Man from U.N.C.L.E.

RIP Robert Redford

bandana-flavored liqueur

yea let me get his number for u [expertly flips thru rolodex made of cheese slices]

ampersand is short for “AM radios per buckets of sand”

In-A-Gadda-Da-Literally-Vida

I ran 7 miles today. That woman wanted her purse back real bad.

Slogan ideas… “Smoking hot body or your money back” – crematorium “The first one’s on the house” – chimney installers “We’re not afraid to raise a few eyebrows” – plastic surgeons “We’ll help bring out your inner child” – maternity ward “There’s no turning back now” – neck brace manufacturers

*Guy walks into a bar Bartender, who is a horse: Whinny

"I'm halving a baby!" - King Solomon

RIP George Michael, you would have love Press Your Luck (all whammies)

*Boiling hotdogs in Dr Pepper* WHO WANTS HOCTER PEPDOGS

The first song ever played on MTV was Podcast Killed the Video Star.

Medical emergency in 2004: Is there a doctor in the house? No, but this man here has a blog!

Wanna feel old? The kid who said “Look mummy, there’s an airplane up in the sky” on The Wall is 79 years old.

You can just say you’re the other guy from Wham! and people will believe you

I understand now Why you stayed and why you left. But I did love you here, hour of the world. -Kaveh Akbar

I’m wearing lots and lots of clothes -me flirting

These posts were skeeted in front of a live studio audience (*my cat)

“I like hotdogs, franks and beans. I grew up in Forrest Hills, Queens” - Dee Dee King

What wine pairs with Wendy’s Baconator?

*Bee Gees voice*

Took a naked toilet selfie and added it to my LinkedIn with the tagline “results-driven thought leader.”

Name 5 albums that had the biggest impact on your life: Chicago I Chicago II Chicago III Chicago IV Dwarves: Blood Guts & Pussy

Keep your friends short and your enemies shorter. Ideally, your enemies should be no taller than Danny DeVito.

the worst thing that exists in the world is the way the sun shines on my favorite chair late in the afternoon and makes my arm hot

anyone going on the computer today?

Knock knock.. Who's there? Not James Dobson