Ruth’s Chris Trump-Kennedy Center

Stop posting selfies I hate finding out people are real.

L'enfer, c'est les leafblowers - Jean-Paul Sarte

Introduce yourself with 5 concerts you’ve seen: Anal Cunt G.G. Allin The Dwarves Peter Cetera Peter Cetera again

Pretty sure this dad in the murdered-out FORD F-250 SUPERDUTY MEGA NEW ENGLAND BLIZZARD OF '78 EDITION brodozer in front of me at parent pickup is sitting on three phonebooks so he can see out the windshield.

did it in four words hemmingway

* Punjabi skateboarder does a sikh heeflip

In Germany, the band is called “No Inch Nails”

if you're reading this post it means my account has been hacked as I am asleep in bed. please report it to the authorities immediately

This season, let's put Christ back in Christians.

As I walk through The Valley of the Shadow of Death, I can’t help thinking this was a really bad idea

So the America I loved still exists, if not in the White House or the Supreme Court or the Senate or the House of Representatives or the media. The America I love still exists at the front desks of our public libraries. 📚 Kurt Vonnegut, (1922- 2007) 'A Man Without a Country' (2005).

whenever my dad talks about ‘the man’ he’s talking about burgess meredith.

Drive your man crazy in bed by paying a small child to dress in Victorian clothes, and wake him up chanting loudly in Latin at 3am. Then when he starts panicking pretend that there’s no one else in the bedroom.

It was me. I sank the Edmund Fitzgerald. Sorry.

I have just approved TINY CARS to drive in little circles around my brain. Listen can you hear them? They sound like the WACKY RACES! Enjoy the vroom vroom noises! President DONALD J. TRUMP

I have just approved TINY CARS to be built in America. Little SEDANS that should fit four at most but when you open the door 27 clowns spill out. HOW??? They will DUST THEMSELVES OFF as they leave the car. The HORN will make the little eeooh-eeooh sound. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.

OMG how is it only this time of day and not a later time of day?! 😭

Tommy Shaw after he starts gardening: "I've got too much thyme on my hands."

good morning to everyone except assholes who send Christmas cards with glitter

if you have a slot for letters in your front door you technically live inside a mailbox

You guys should check out rock ‘n’ roll. It’s pretty good.

“you’ll be visited by three spirits” the three spirits:

has anyone ever told you how beautiful I am?

new bit in Dec is to ask anyone wearing a sweater, "oh nice are you going to an ugly sweater party later?"

Cyber Monday is here and deals are going fast! These deals are diaphanous. They are receding even as we speak, becoming mere memories of deals, prices longed for but lost, hints at what could have been had for less. A golden slant of sun through window falls on an empty countertop. Act now.

I named my fists Shields and Yarnell because who doesn't love a talented husband-and-wife mime duo

I hope I'm welcome at websites

“It would have been nice to have had unicorns.” - RIP Tom Stoppard

If your doctor’s handwriting could sing, it’d sound exactly like Eddie Vedder.

this beer is starting to taste like everyone at Thanksgiving needs to hear my opinions about the US government

Withnail and I is a Thanksgiving movie, I’ve decided. It’s cold and rainy but clearly not the dead of winter, they go to a relative’s house, they have an unwanted visitor, they cook a bird…

You should vote Tepublican not Drurmocrrru ….did I just shit ?zzzzzzzz….. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER

Slurpee in the streets. Fryz and Chicken Stripz in the Sheetz.

if you see someone crying at work you should cry harder to assert your dominance

I wish Fonzie could just hit the U.S. and it would start working properly again.

Will this be the year I finally get a capybara for Christmas?

It's all the Zyrtec in the water supply, man, that's why nobody sneezes anymore

She ran calling Wildfire Calling Wildfire Calling Wildfire

Pardon me, Good Sir, might I borrow your chapped stick?

The House votes 285-98 to approve a resolution promoting empty Kabuki-theater political gestures.

SEDITIOUS GOLF, punishable by DORF!

Neither shitposter nor hitposter but a secret absurd thing (fortune pierogi)

change one letter and ruin a candy Baby Tuth

A Bee Gees appreciation day, call it Thanksgibbing

was gonna do a self deprecating post but I don’t know what that means. I’m too stupid and ugly

It’s not fair, Boomers all remember where they were when Kennedy died. My generation remembers where we were when Rerun tried to bootleg that Doobie Brothers concert on What’s Happening.

Well, well, well, if it isn't the person who is about to order their steak wrong.

Don’t waste your time liking my skeets. I have a country to run!