I was gonna go to the ER after I blew my fingers off with an M80 but my 12 year old son is too drunk to drive me and I can't grip the wheel with all these stumps

Could you imagine being named Kyle? Having to go to the bank and say "Yes I would like a mortgage. My name is Kyle"

hot dogs were invented in 1936 by Larry Hotdogs when he accidentally dropped a bag of prize-winning pig assholes in his Dick Shaper Machine

July 4, 1976, I ate a bowl of Product 19 cereal and watched the Tall Ships on channel 2 in NYC. And that’s the way it was. This has been your Bicentennial Minute.

While some of you are chanting "Go Spain" or "Go Austria" im chanting "Go mitch McConnell and natural causes"

pronouncing herzegovina like tone lōc

My favorite YouTube videos all have thumbnails that look like this

I did twenty Hail Marys, ten Hello, Larrys — oh, and a Goodnight Moon.

The average American eats eight Big Macs in their sleep every year

You’ve oingoed your last boingo

disneyland to announce the return of beloved children's tobacco product "Mickey Sticks"

the brady bunch relies upon the early deaths of two parents. beneath your frivolous merriment there lies a foundation of bones

GOD: [going through his end of year figures] Prophets are up lol *high fives himself

Share a movie soundtrack you love. 🎥🎶

Interesting fact, REM bassist Mike Mills once killed a man with his bare hands.

It’s so hot I’m putting on SPF 6.02 x 10²³

Thirty Days to a Flat Stomacke - Jeffrey Chaucer, 1387

Celebrating my 80th birthday by having some guys with brain damage fight out on the lawn

the jive turkey population in the united states has plummeted to near extinction levels since the 1970s

Stop using super as an adverb in every sentence, you sound super stupid.

If there’s one person I don’t trust, it’s people.

Nothing says “dying civilization” like gladiator fights at the capitol for the emperor’s amusement.

leaving gin martinis out for the mourning doves

Always thought inc. meant in cahoots

She dun on my kirk until I evacuate some seamen

Get in fuckface, we’re going fuckfacing.

Ass, Grass, or West Texas Intermediate, nobody rides for free.

Perfect amount of time to microwave a yam? Definitely not 20 minutes.

🎵 The only one who could ever quench me Was the son of a Kool-Aid Man 🎵

Anyone planning to sally forth today?

CHEMISTRY TEACHER: who can tell me what bond is formed between oppositely charged ions ALANIS MORISSETTE: isn’t it ionic

Recruiter told me to take “Bluesky Elder” off my CV.

HER: We need to talk. ME: I know. We should break up. HER: What? I was going to say we should plan a vacation. ME: After we just broke up?

Oh "God had other plans?" Well you know who's not invited next time? God.

Take me to Crete boys and free my soul I wanna get rolled in some phyllo dough And drift away 🎶

Give me the most 80s song you can think of

Autocorrect changed 'to be fair' into 'three beef fairy' which is either a sandwich served at Disneyland or a drag queen

squirter, she wrote

I ORDER MY COFFEE BLACK. NO SUGAR. NO MILK. NO WATER. NO CUP. THEY HAND ME THE BEANS. I EAT THEM IN THE PARKING LOT LIKE A HORSE. THE BARISTAS HAVE STOPPED CHARGING ME. I HAVE NOT SLEPT SINCE TUESDAY. I CAN HEAR THE WIFI

People named James should be called Jimp

Share a rainbow

starting a gofundme to build high speed rail infrastructure between my house and wherever i need to go

The Lehigh Valley Boombadeers have pulled out of the Freedom 250 festival.

interviewer: give me an example of a time when you took control of a situation me: no, YOU give ME an example interviewer: lol okay, that was pretty impressive me: I’m afraid we’re going to have to let you go interviewer: *being led away by security* what is happening right now

king richard III: a hearse, a hearse! my kingdom for a hearse ! henry tudor: lol hearse. i think you mean ‘horse’ king richard III: hahaha good one why would i need a horse lol im dying im ded *he proceeds to be ded. hence the request for a hearse. lol*

Pretty soon I’m going to have an opinion on the internet.

This is one of my favorite tweets