*holding office in an administration under serious scrutiny for sex crimes against children* teenager sperm is mid

holy shit man @theonion.com just does not fuck around. Thanks @bencollins.bsky.social for the gift i get in the mail, it always makes my day

this is just me but if i kept getting shot at because i suck and do a bad job being in charge of things i would go home and stay there

I'm crying, this is so funny, he has absolutely no idea.

social media was a wonderful brain toilet for every random half thought you didn't want to bother real people with before they decided to move all of society and infrastructure and government inside of the toilet

you know what movie is good? citizen kane. i am proud to be the first person to ever say this. i just love the part where he rosebuds

mcdonald's manager: show the new guy the ropes me: yeah no prob *opens drawer* we use them to restrain grimace

man if they used that sauce that way, you must have fucked up

i have some cool dvds. it's my hobby and it's the only thing i spend disposable income on. this is the fucking coolest one i've ever bought and it's not close

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop] Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

Where the grass is [redacted] and the girls are [redacted].

I'm sorry, but this woman posting photos of her dog at a religious event in Spain and then having to frantically clarify a few days later at their "supersausage_charlie" Instagram account is something out of a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode.

You have more in common with the people of Iran than you do with anyone in this administration, any member of the technocracy, anyone who is profiting from this war, or any billionaire. When you see Iranians forming human chains outside key infrastructure sites, you should feel a sense of kinship.

I’ve been thinking about this guy almost daily for ten fucking years. essentially my entire 30’s. when he finally croaks I imagine I’ll let out a sigh so deep it realigns my fucking spine

cigarettes are so fucking back

hey can someone like, do something

NASA just dropped this image of Artemis II astronaut Christina Koch looking back at us. The first woman to ever see our planet in its entirety. I’m not crying you’re crying 🥹🔭🧪 📸: NASA

Iran just reportedly hit an Oracle data center in Dubai and i can't stop thinking about how good it would feel to see my tax dollars spent firing Tomahawk cruise missiles at data centers.

I don’t love being in a society where you can sell enough pillows to do meaningful damage to democracy or sell enough children’s books to do a genocide or sell enough chicken sandwiches to abolish gay marriage That all seems like a ridiculous way to do society to me

Here's a new song called "Do You Have Any Idea How Most People Live?"

yes, absolutely, sir. extremely based. tremendous parenting.

i don't care if it's dumb to get excited about awards shot bullshit, this is cool. PTA has been my favorite filmmaker for a very long time. this is cool.

holy fucking shit MBJ. i am so happy

my guy PTA maybe gonna walk away with the whole thing tonight?

He looks like if The Matrix was about being cis.

man streisand killed the room. new meaning to streisand effect amirite

man it PTA doesn't win this one... what even are they doing

burger king is so cool man, spending millions of dollars to say "our food is trash" but like, not changing it. come have a whopper again you piece of shit. this time maybe a guy didn't wipe his ass with it first

That version of "i lied to you". goddamn. kind of don't know what to say. "sinners" is just not like anything ever made and i hope they run the table with it tonight, if not it doesn't matter. they changed everything

Let there be as much outrage from politicians in Washington when kids go hungry as there is when I break bread with New Yorkers.

Can this be a solution?

“Piracy is the most effective form of artistic distribution these days. So be it.” -Werner Herzog on NPR just now 🔥

sometimes, if you’re up early enough, you can hear them turn the birds on

*fire bombing tehran* this is actually because of jimmy carter, who's a MODEL, by the way

watching The Thing (1982) and it's crazy how wilford brimley was 26 years old when they made it

the three words every girls wants to hear

this is your mission. our pedophile president needs you to bomb this elementary school full of kids because he thinks it makes him look cool. also his scheming viziers will be betting money on it for fun. good luck soldier

"salò, or the 120 days of sodom": 1/5 you know it smell crazy in there

my favorite video store re-opened today so i went shopping to escape the horrors. pick of the litter, imprint 4k of body snatchers. holographic slip is gorgeous, can't wait to see how good the movie looks

love to wake up to world war 3

thank you Ray, got it

Kurt Vonnegut stop being so applicable to all time periods of American life, you can’t do that Kurt Vonnegut, your insights are too evergreen Kurt Vonnegut

the del toro frankenstein... idk man i do not understand it at all. i avoided it because i knew i'd feel this way. if you want to tell a totally different story just do that and call it something else, people have been doing that for like 200 years now

Need to cheer myself up so here's the best Twitter post ever. It spawned one billion bad ripoffs but it's a beautiful magic trick. You don't just read it in his voice: he said it now. This quote is real.

back on my bullshit (watching PTA movies all day) watched "one battle" again, just started "inherent vice". trying to do the ones i've seen less, so next is "licorice pizza" or "phantom thread". probably close with "the master"

i'm sorry nobody is named wambsganns. that looks like when you get a bunch of shitty tiles in scrabble and can't spell anything. or you're a star war bounty hunter that only got written in to be an action figure. not a real person

mars attacks (1996)

Dave Matthews and Tim Ryenolds playing Neil Young’s Ohio last night and ends with some Rage Against the Machine.