this current flavor of fascism, while it is incredibly cruel and evil, is also impossibly silly and stupid. like an iron maiden made out of kfc double downs

to quote the great mitch hedburg, an escalator is never broken. it just becomes stairs

*getting raptured but i forgot i'm afraid of heights* oh fuck. fuck. shit. fucking goddammit. shit *plummeting back to earth* oh that's real fucking cool man. real cool. i hope the rapture fucking sucks. i hope heaven is a dump

Robert Redford playing a gentle incarnation of death, coming for a frightened old woman in The Twilight Zone episode "Nothing in the Dark" (1962). An extraordinary performance then, terribly bittersweet today

almost forgot this classic somehow

TRUMP: charlie kirk folks, what a great american. we've built a memorial to him, it's a great big weird head. and we're gonna shoot it into space. it'll be like the moon, except a big weird head. we might get rid of the old moon, it's very nasty, imagine a new one. a charlie moon. a CHOON!

RIP to charlie kirk you were a weird nazi with a great big head and it sucks that you died of whatever it was that happened

more like tammy suckworth amirite

*ORSON WELLES* vs. “artificial intelligence” ~I will chat no gpt before its time~

astroterf

happy "gavin newsom sucks shit and should be bullied out of public life" day, to all who celebrate. also this holiday is every day, until he fucks off forever

it's actually impressive how bad this guy sucks at this. fast break lay ups and you just brick it every time. you absolutely have to respect the dedication to failure

did you know you can just block thomas chatterton williams. it's very easy to do, and feels good

me (sober): i will not go to the town that is shrouded in fog to find my wife who has been dead for three years me (after three beers): could she really be here after all this time? in our special place?

the city quivers in fear as they open a used bookstore slash juice bar called "vagina meownologues"

Caterpillar waking up halfway through metamorphosis: I'm goo. Shit. Shit. Calm down. Go back to sleep. I'm really straight-up goo right now. Fuck

The Bridge Over Jamiroquai

watching "under the silver lake" for the 4th or 5th time and i am convinced this is the most undersung movie of the century. there's a throw away line about a producer who makes big budget action movies based on household cleaning products and i JUST NOW clocked it because there is so much going on

"weapons" fucking rules see it with an audience. there were people walking out, people gasping, and people laughing too much (me). perfect movie, can't wait to see it again

It’s just kind of hard to think you actually care about keeping the streets safe when you refuse to do anything to keep them from being flooded with guns.

purely hypothetical but if you sat down to take a shit and the inaugural fart sounded like a wolf whistle would you hear that whistle as directed at your ass or at the turds

if you're a cop or agent or whatever and someone catches charges for throwing a sandwich at you, you immediately get transferred to the Office of Nerd Bitches Who Suck and Sleep with a Blankie

BAD COP: listen motherfucker. we know you were at the scene of the crime. his blood is on your hands, just admit what you did WOKE COP: actually bob we aren't sure about the vic's preferred pronouns SUSPECT: hey guys i would actually prefer to just go to jail instead of being in this joke

holy shit is alien: earth going to give me something to look forward to

"I know you are here to kill me. Shoot, coward, you are only going to kill a man." These are the last words of Che Guevara, what he meant was you can't kill the idea or spirit of revolution. Sharks, I am looking for partial investment in a weapon that can destroy a man's ideas

RED ALERT, criminals, this is a trump CRIME CRACKDOWN. every crime doer in the DC area is ordered to go in the middle of the street and start doing all of the crimes, at which point you will be arrested for crime. thank you for your attention to this matter

if you make fun of buttigieg a bunch of people who could not finish a red lobster placemat will yell “rhodes scholar” and “veteran” at you like we don’t have recent shit presidents who were those things

[getting haunted by the ghost of wayne campbell] WAYNE CAMPBELL: SCHWING! ME: SCHWING! WAYNE: SCHWING! ME: wayne i have work tomorrow man

tennessee state rep. justin pearson is a generational talent

LORD OF THE RINGS: YOUNG SMAUG (2028): young smaug just fucking smaugin around getting all that gold and shit no diaglogue just fire breathing pillage, also he's weirdly sexualized for a dragon

ok i got one, looma wormlips

Washington Post: “Is fascism bad? The answer may surprise you” Teen Vogue: “Here are three fun tips you can use this summer to disable an armored personnel carrier”

one of the most prescient things about Cronenberg's The Fly is that it now seems pretty believable that some guy would be like "i'll invent a machine that helps you travel faster!" but instead of working on a bullet train it ends up being a chamber that turns you into a decaying insane insect man

David Byrne came to my band’s show at a gay bar in Bed-Stuy and sang This Must Be The Place with us and I still haven’t processed it

Go for it. I don't even care any more.

If you want a weird but true fact to talk about: Dexter Holland, lead singer of The Offspring, was instrumental in this. His doctorial thesis in molecular biology was sequencing mRNA in HIV. The paper was also heavily cited in creating the COVID-19 vaccine.

🔔 “We’re coming to you from MEMPHIS to alert you of the critical nature of what’s happening right here in NASHVILLE.” Richard Massey says Elon’s xAI pollution is having a “human cost” in Memphis, and with this Tesla Tunnel @GovBillLee is “elevating profit over people” again

stay the fuck out of my house

how the fuck am i only slightly younger than this dracula. this guy looks like he got burned at the stake by angry villagers 200 years ago

Holy shit, they did it. They wrote the headline.

JAY LENO [trying to kill himself in his giant garage by running all the cars at once]: fuck. fuck. have you seen this, have you heard about this. this is taking forever

stop me if i'm missing something but this sounds like the president admitting to grooming and siphoning teenage girls to a world famous pedophile, is that newsworthy or

kennedy is so cool man. talks like he's selling you racist friend chicken, no clue what's happening. like if colonel sanders was on acid and we gave him the nuclear codes just to see what would happen

*parody* not sure i can do justice to what i would like to happen to this smug nazi but "castrated and buried alive while screaming" is the best i got *joke post, not serious*

When you throw a dead fly in the trash you’re laying it to rest amongst a great fortune like a pharaoh

hey dude, I noticed you attempting to carve a small space for joy in the face of overwhelming sadness. kind of problematic considering all the horrors

when they close it all up, I do believe this will go down as the funniest video on the internet

here’s just a list of numbers

sorry i refuse to believe there is a person named fidji simo