One scoop of mashed potatoes per person and DON'T WALK ON THE GRASS

Putin: "Mr Trump, tear down this house!"

PAUL SIMON: there must be fifty ways to leave your lover ME: brother, you only said five

[alone in a dark cemetery] marco

Elton John voice: It seems to me / that you lived your life/ like a fuckin piece of shit

I would love to be part of the conversation on MSNBC related to the Kimmel story and it's chilling effects on first amendment, but unfortunately I was terminated by MSNBC for stating that "hateful thoughts lead to hateful words which lead to hateful actions".

I just totally destroyed some baby at a game of peekaboo. He was right to cry.

[wife wanting to discuss my mid life crisis] brent [me with my graffiti buddies] actually it’s Sprayz now

Oh no I really hope Bill Clinton isn’t in the Epstein files, I’ll have to get rid of my Bill Clinton hat and my Bill Clinton sneakers and my Bill Clinton cologne and my Bill Clinton watch and take down my Bill Clinton flag and I’ll have to delete my Bill Clinton nft trading cards

judge: the kid is not your son? michael jackson: hoo judge: the kid michael jackson: hee hee billie jean: you see the crap i put up with your honor

Saw an AI fireworks show and a guy lost all 7 fingers on one hand.

I try to sneak in quietly, but my father is waiting for me in the kitchen. He looks at my digging leathers. He can smell the tomb on me. "You been doing archeology again, boy?" he asks. I sneeze and sand sizzles across the table.

IGUANA: see you later alligator ALLIGATOR: (doesn’t know spanish) see you tomorrow iguana

What better way to observe the end of slavery than a rich old white man yelling to work harder.

this is a sith lightsaber, from the war. I keep it on a shelf right next to my stormtrooper armor and imperial officer’s uniform. I’ve even got a verified chunk of the death star from yavin. I’m just a collector. I just think the history is interesting. no, I don’t have any rebel stuff

Shark Dad: what's this $250 charge for *squinting* OnlyFins? Shark Teen: *shrugging shoulders* i dunno Shark Dad: where'd you get shoulders?

Just walkmogged some waitcucks at a traffic light’s pedestrian crossing. Enjoy the cold, dears - I’ll be over here, fifteen steps ahead of you and in touch with my city’s heartbeat

Ah, vacation! That magical week when my kids watch TV in a rented house instead of our normal, mortgaged house.

“And so the Greeks send me this horse, we’re talking about one of the most beautiful horses you’ve ever seen. So big. So strong. Normally they keep this kind of horse for themselves but they were such big fans they said sir, please take our big wonderful horse we’ll even bring it to your house”

Inherited grandpa’s lucky horseshoe autographed by Secretariat and now Antiques Road Show is telling me its a fake

I could be wrong about this but I really think most Americans do not want to be forced to “do their own research” about food & drug & product safety and would rather that the government agencies that have been sorting that all out for them for decades not be obliterated in the name of “efficiency.”

If you’re too young to remember 9/11, one of the things about the subsequent 3-4 years if if you lived by The World’s Biggest Fork, people would be like “we need to be careful, that fork could be a target, terrorists hate our fork”

Boycotting the grocery store until they start buying an equivalent volume of groceries from me

me: [alone in the middle of alaska] ahhh, I can finally poop in peace my kid: [appearing out of thin air] dad can we still buy chicken nuggets cause of tariffs

Lennon song: Show me the source of the leak, that drips and turns honest men weak McCartney song: Terry the plumber is an honest man, he’ll fix your pipes as fast as he can [tempo change] it’s PIIIIIPE TIIIIIME [key signature change, tempo change] helovespipeshelovespipes

Warn the girls

Matthew: they not like us Mark: they not like us Luke: they not like us John: wop wop wop get em Christ fuck em up

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

Paul McCartney: I don't know why you say goodbye Lionel Richie: I say hello Adele: hello Mrs. Doubtfire: hello!

[reading the news today] Oh boy.

Back when I lived in NYC I would walk around Brooklyn on the weekends in khakis, a polo shirt, and Nike cross trainers just to freak out the hipsters. One time a bearded dude with a mustache tattoo on his index finger fainted at the sight of me.

When no one is around, the trees ask me to read their palms by softly laying roots in my lap. “How long will I live?” asks a pine, hopeful. “Tell me again about love”, says a willow. “No,” I reply. “You tell me.”

it takes about 50 muscles to form a frown, but it takes 0 muscles to stfu

every new restaurant in every major city is either called Thistle+Thorn and thinks adding turmeric to brussel sprouts makes them worth $30 or is called Burger Bitch and has a neon sign in the window that says “im gonna fuck a hamburger”

[fly dips bread into bowl of deer poop] excellent fawn doo

*hearing Tears in Heaven for the first time* I bet Weird Al could make this about a sandwich.

THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA: They’re great peaches, possibly the best peaches— a lot of very smart people are saying that they’re probably the greatest peaches in decades. And we’ve got millions of em. Wow!

[getting pushed out of shark tank by security after they hated my wet pillow idea] ok how about a tv show called mama boss where the bosses mama shows up

Doesn’t: not twelve A baker's doesn't: not thirteen

I like the part where Mr Darcy says I’ve had it up to here with all of this bloody pride and prejudice

Geography

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

Wolf: oh boy so many sheep down in that valley! One, two, three (yawn), four, fivzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Gonna design a car horn with “gentle toot” and “full on fuckblast” settings

Still on pace to be the last person alive with zero tattoos

grampa: why are u always on ur phone me: why didn't u stop hitler

At Intercourse University we used to derisively laugh at the Fuck State kids and turn up our noses at them. I understand now that that was privileged, elitist and wrong.

ah... death... or as the french call it, "the huge orgasm"

pachelbel: [rises from grave, composes score to new disney star wars spinoff] nerds: that isn’t canon

Ah, yes. The four basic body types: Spider-Man, Teenage Superman, Incredible Hulk and Adult Superman