not the time, iphone

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard and grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

posting the same thing on twitter, bluesky and threads like a grandma with dementia who keeps repeating herself at dinner while the whole family ignores her

bro i was at the “loves unconditionally and will always be there for their friends” convention and everyone there knew you lmaoo

i hope this email finds u at ur lowest point. rock bottom. a juncture in ur life so wretched and foul that ur struggling to find joy in even the smallest of delights. a shell of the person u once were

saw a text and told myself i would reply later and forgot and now i haven’t spoken to my friends or family for 7 months hope they’re all doing okay

what the hell

to the person behind me at the red light. yes i wasn’t paying attention and it turned green. u didn’t have to honk. i’m not perfect there i admit it. ur not perfect either. u lost custody of ur kids

my cat: [finally lets me pet it after several hours of trying] also my cat: [immediately licking clean the spot i just touched] that’s enough of that

i love pushing the trash down harder and harder every day as the can gets full so i never have to take it out. not unlike sisyphus

the LAST thing i have to do before going to bed is brush my teeth. and ur telling me the FIRST thing i have to do when i wake up is brush my teeth again? existence is hell

me: i’d like to go to this place google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking me: no i’m driv- google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

when i was in 1st grade u could NOT get me to stop talking about the military industrial complex and the global state of the economy lmaooo i was so annoying

friend: do u want to hold our baby? me: why

gonna bite a random person today

website: incorrect username OR password me: which one website: idkkkkkk :) guess lol

aaaaand the hellthread is right behind me isn’t it? bahah

[texting family] me: we live in a cruel world, i welcome the sweet release of death me, 20 minutes later when my tummy ache is gone: disregard that last text

“enjoy the little things in life” i don’t even enjoy the big things leave me alone

me: how much is a ticket? ticketmaster: $25 me: oh nice- ticketmaster: and a $15 convenience fee me: ticketmaster: plus a $100 little bitch boy fee me: ok what

let’s get this man on here so we can bully him

friend: what are u watching me: unsolved mysteries friend: so just mysteries then? me, taking another bite of edible food: i’m not sure what u mean

if i gast i must flabber. it’s a nonnegotiable. there will be no flabbering unless a gast follows immediately thereafter

friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman

if u ask someone how it’s going and they respond “another day in paradise” they’re about to kill themselves in front of u

0 likes on twitter: maybe i should log off and enjoy my remaining years 0 likes on bluesky: maybe i should log off and enjoy my remaining years

instead of saying “i have to” try having an “i get to attitude.” i get to go to work, i get to go to the gym, i get to have a mental breakdown in my car at 11am in the chilis parking lot. life is about perspective

cat: pet me me: cat: PET ME me: *goes to pet cat* cat: first of all who the fuck said u could touch me?

what are u doing, step-boat?

she stir my boat til i run aground

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?? me: i have a phd in education flight attendant: can i have some help then?? me, adjusting glasses: u mean MAY i have some help

any car can be a self driving car if u have a brick and don’t care where ur going

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without be absolutely INUNDATED with boys

some people try so hard to be anti-technology. “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” holy shit get away from me

realtor: this apartment is $2100 per month me, leaning back in chair: best i can do is $7

doctor: i have good news and bad news me: ok doctor: ur dying me: omg what’s the bad news

yes i can be happy one second and having a mental breakdown the next. it’s called range

teacher: anyone know the answer? me: teacher: [pointing to me] u in the back with the anxiety

[ad for cats] do not enough people in your household hate you?

receptionist: name? james bond: bond, ja- receptionist: last name? james bond: bond but- receptionist: lmfao ur name is bond bond? james bond: *tearing up* i was doing a thing

i’m the type of person who looks really hot in person but for some reason i look awful in pictures and also in the mirror and also if u look at my face

me: i’ll have the usual bartender: [walks around the bar and holds me tight as i begin to weep]

They should invent mind control but for your own mind

mircodosing twitter by stabbing myself in the eyes with a fork every 4 minutes

it’s days like this where i ask myself “do i go for a little walk or do i stay inside and slowly lose my grip on reality?”

[looking in the mirror] u are confident. u are strong [standing up taller] u are the big boss. the captain. u are several miles long

cat: yes, officer? my owner just went into the bathroom and closed the door officer: hmm have u tried screaming at the top of ur fucking lungs?