if you tell me the baby is “too cute,” i assume you mean such excess cannot be borne, and that the creature must be destroyed.

There are ghosts in your house but don't be so arrogant to think they have the time or energy to fuck your shit about.

i know we're all busy but i just overheard a plumber say "parlez-vous français ? non ? you motherfuckers don't even speak french, do you" to a pair of french bulldogs

All the robots that fall down and don’t work at CES this year are proof you should not build something in the image of a man. Biblical hubris. Robots should look like Battlebots, do one thing poorly for the first ten years and then sorta get good, like vacuum robots.

if you want to make actionable threats please make them in a reply so the lawyers have to read my jokes in court

microdosing going to the public swimming pool by pissing on myself

“would you do this to your friend and neighbor, fupa sarah” is that anything

rent: $1600 food: $250 data: $100 some dumb bullshit to make me feel better for like five seconds: $7,800 utilities: $78 can someone who is good at little treats please help me budget this. my family is dying

not right now kitten. the walls are closing in on daddy

One of the weird things about the lack of an overpowering algorithm is that sometimes I think someone has stopped posting but they literally just started going to bed at a different time than me

The phone is for making posts like "the ass is the father of the legs" whereas the computer is for posts that include words like "inexorably"

i don’t post about politics much because no one wants to hear reality some of you will still be saying “just wait to the next election we’ll impeach him then” as they drag you into boxcars

microblogging as a format was designed for posting pictures of your sandwich and jokes about jerking off. every time you try to make it do something else it degrades the core experience

*deliberately making the dumbest choice possible* i'm playing the long game

the annoying little jokes will continue until morale improves, and then keep going after that too

extremely difficult to explain to my offline friends the daily whiplash I recieve on this website by like, having a stranger yell at me over an old joke about eating molten lava only to click on their profile to find they exlusively post about wanting to suck a dog's dick. how did you find me

She's playing Balatro and I need someone who isn't me to remind her flushes exist. I had to text her campaign staff to relay this message, a level of mansplaining previously believed to be impossible.

Me and the boys were gonna experience 10,000 years of hell later if you’re interested

So much of American history is just impulsive and extremely stupid elites, who don't believe in consequences because they have never personally experienced them, doing highly consequential stuff because they're bored or believe it might make them richer. I guess a lot of our culture, too.

many Americans will concede that imperialism is the price we all pay to maintain a certain quality of life but I just spent 5 weeks in Europe using public transport and eating food that doesn’t taste like shit so I dunno man.

but that can’t happen to me, the main character

Now taking applications for this years arch nemesis if anyone feels like hunting me across the globe

2026 is about affordable homeownership. No more "policy" this year. Feed the local fauna, befriend them, and then use them to overpower homeowners so you can occupy their dwellings.

[me to my date] your eyes give cptsd but the way you said “this butter didn’t get creamed at the right temperature, but that will probably be okay” is having me lean to audhd if i’m being honest

Me at midnight

2025 was like a sledgehammer to the temple

hole that makes you mad

the basket of garlic bread stays on the bed during sex

when god sings with his creations will lemon pigs not be part of the choir

for my final act of 2025 I will make a severe amount of lasagna

Every new year feels like a threat

brother that america250 speech was really something i feel like we’re losing basketball to a dog

let's go around the room one by one and shit our pants

exploring each others bodies until we find all 16 Bonfires, 112 Hawk Feathers, and 34 Abandoned Research Notes

there’s a certain type of artist who, very clearly, only watched steven universe you will never guess what kind of art they make it’s bad

in football do you think if two big guys launch themselves in the air at opposite directions and at different heights they could cleanly bisect one of the smaller guys there is no rule against this

I wrote and deleted a bunch of Very Serious posts about this but suffice it to say that if you can write the koko the gorilla birkin bag joke on here the character limit is exactly where it needs to be

I'm in Area 51 hittin the randomise button on servicemens dick meats

2026 the word “bladder” is out in: piss sphere

i'll see u in chicken court, motherfucker

forming a coalition to stop hammer time

Dentists get depressed because they deal with the only part of the skeleton you can see, which is pretty spooky, so they’re getting spooked all day

getting assassinated probably feels good as hell

my new year's resolution is to gain 6000 pounds

Me, unable to post a good joke for days: I am shadow banned

any sufficiently advanced catholicism is indistinguishable from witchcraft

i had to drop what i was doing to make this