Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: no clue officer, Officer: 😤 Have you been drinking tonight? Me: only beers, sir (one hundred Dr Pepper cans fall out of my car door) Officer: book em, boys

Just learned I wasn’t supposed to don my gay apparel until now… erm, who was gonna tell me!!

I saw Mario in the cup-de-sac testing out a gift he received from princess toadstool presumably. It looked to be some sort of weapon to use against the koopa. He looked a little too happy to brandish it

Not many know the “Holly” of “Holly Jolly Christmas” refers to Buddy Holly. The “Jolly” is of course in reference to Jaller, who was a Ta-Matoran from the city of Metru Nui, and was the Guard Captain of Ta-Koro on Mata Nui that would later go on to become a Toa.

Holly AND jolly? In this economy?

Joy fans will delight tomorrow

One sant of claus will visit tonight

Xmas? We celebrate Blueskymas in my householf

Merry “X” -mas eve

The Farter’s Companion Readers Digest

Barkeep! One coke of cola if you wouldn’t mind,,

Feels good to be on break, I can’t wait to sleep in until 6 or maybe even 7

Yes officer I saw him. Of course I could describe him. Well, there’s no way around it, he was Flintstonic. I shit you not officer,

I need you guys to all write Santa and tell him how good I’ve been. Some double agents have been feeding him lies about my movements

Oh is a christball happening 🙄

Guys I haven’t showered since last year

I’m just like Guts Berserk but the demons hunting me are ECDs

Microwaving fish in the line to get in to heaven

The Brits love efficient chips

Going to the doctor later to get obliterated

(Waking up from a years long coma) wha… what happened? Doctor: you got owned

Hey Siri. Do you think I’m still epic

Top five most epic agenda items

We have an epic agenda today guys

Excuse me, is there anything epic on the menu?

(At a movie theater) any issue if I enjoy this rack of ribs in there

Something epic just happened

They should of called it the Nintendo 67

Have yourself. a stinky little shitmas, In your pants tonight

I ordered a Big Mac meal at Macdonald and they served me a rat wrapped up in the same paper

Rubbing my hands together like a fly at the function

Guys who make deals with me love rubbing their hands together like flies

The snack that smizes back

(coughing up a rat) here your go 🫴

Billy Joel voice Om us a Bud, you’re the Ombudsman,

Me: you telling me this cendence is trans? Ancient monk: 🙂‍↕️ yuh pretty much

Fans of misery are in for a treat

This is Peak character design imo

👮‍♀️: do you know why I pulled you over? 😥: (gulp) what kind of cannon cop are you, with respect to rules?

The ritual is complete Geoff keighley is sealed away for another year

You could say I am a sort of jack off all trades

Coworkers keep folding me into different origamis

(Crouching down, placing one hand on some train tracks) Someone must have worked all the live long day on whatever this is ..

My name is Fieval Neitzat-Freddy

Five nights at Freddy’s is so cool I wish pizza was real

I got caught in the middle of a couple of Foodons fighting as a toddle. I was hospitalized for eight months. Ever since that day I’ve been terrified of food

You should legally be allowed to hunt and kill another person if you are a little bit hungry

“start your free trial now” what if i told u i am already experiencing trials.