i shouldn’t have to see or hear anything about chris brown ever again and neither should you

I asked the FBI to expedite the release of the tape of "border czar" Tom Homan being bribed. FBI said it couldn't see how there wasn't an urgent need to provide the public more information about (checks notes) an active federal official taking bribes and denied expedition of the request.

I know I've posted this before but something that is worth understanding about authoritarian personalities is that they will pretty much always double down on authoritarianism. It will never occur to them that they are too strict, too mean, too controlling, etc - it's always the other way around

"i’ve been getting a little bit of flak just because my dad died in 9/11” is an awesome line

A guy just told me, “I won’t vape because we don’t know what vaping does after 30 years because no one has been vaping that long. I smoke because at least we know what smoking does to you.” I wanted to say, “It kills you. Is there something worse than that?”

What if everyone stopped putting protein in everything for a few days and we all just took some nice dumps instead Deal?

Ask not how your Hamburger can Help you, but you can Help your Hamburger -John Fitzgerald Kennedy

I think if I had to pinpoint why I hate America so much is during Covid they did some bullshit math and just moved decimals in our pretend money and they were like guess what school lunches are free now and then took it away like we wouldn’t notice

I’m going to eat the forbidden bone glue

Just made the incredible decision to not make a giant plate of delicious nachos fml

theyre called the yankees because they like to yankeeach other's penises

Nicole kidman is single and let me tell yiy something if given the option to blow up the earth in exchange for miss kidman pinching my cheek ajd calling me a good boy, all yall bout to be blowed up

experiencing the government shutdown

september 30 ... october 1

completely different cause it's just an (understandable) misconception but its funny seeing photos of all the buildings completely covered in coal dust, soot and other pollutants in the 1950s cause the air was so bad and thinking "wow we need to restore that"

Breaking: AI Actor Tilly Norwood in hot water for recommending her fans "eat ten rocks a day," insisting "every dog has its shower" is a classic aphorism, and for telling sad teens that no one will ever understand them, so they should "take a beautiful and final step"

be a cactus: stand tall, be strong, and do harm to anyone who tries to touch you without your consent

Try not to drop dead at your job

Refuse to conform

Want to go hook up the super nes

Me being a cannibal during the apocalypse

I live in Florida. This is never happening. Fml

Coffee you are too good for me

walmart was so beautiful in 2002. i saw 2 guys making sweet love in the bike aisle

duct ape

I should show up to work in this

running around in my OLD NOBY shirt; this was what 2002 was like

The Game Of Thrones theme plays as the camera pans to me trying to fight off a seagull with a baguette

Gotta include the Maron reply

*fossil fuel company throwing their hat in the ring* I think autism is caused by electric cars

Why didn't any of you bother telling me that the secret to running is just keeping your heart rate in check? It's only been like two weeks, and I already went from being winded after 2 minutes to jogging for 30mins. Like, that was it the whole time?? I'm a dumb guy, you gotta tell me this stuff.

For all the Qanon theories about tom hanks he appears to be the only one in that selective demo who isn’t

We all have the song in our heart Let yours out Gm

Where you at you fuckaas bitch?!

haters: “you & what army?” me: “pull up, bitch”

Ladies and gentlemen, the meritocracy

There will be pizza with buratta

sleep with one aioli gripping your gyro tight

Cashiers today keep asking "do you have big plans today?" And im just hitting them with the "nope" and they dont know what to do after that its really fun

Time to get comfy and watch scary movies 🔪 🩸

My mom would only take one Tylenol at a time, which explains why I’m not good at anything but have a slight fear of polyester

cracking open a couple cold ones

I wanna play hades ii soooo baddddd but I told myself i’m gonna wait until I beat hollow knight and/or persona 5 first #responsibility

i want to fight but im so tired, come kick my ass and i'll suck your cock for free