We have to Do Something about Bill Stencil.

My cat is plotting a murder against her neighborhood nemesis.

They call it the hantavirus because that shit will turn you into a ghost

I have nothing against atheists and our agnostic brethren, but the absolute and utter disgracing of Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens and Sam Harris and Reddit is absolutely one of the coolest things about being alive, absolute clown shit

Some people who need to mind their own business: “don’t give the Time Machine to Mike, he’s just going to use it to go back in time to fuck Sylvia Plath.” Me, quickly shoving a book of poetry, gas station boner pills and two white monsters in my pocket: “No, that’s not true I’m gonna kill Hitler.”

The idea that public benefit or public good has any place in American society has not only been completely excised, it has been cast out as the Great Satan (communism). We don’t even question if guns should be sold at Walmart after school shootings, we don’t give a fuck if the Money God kills you.

Some people who need to mind their own business: “don’t give the Time Machine to Mike, he’s just going to use it to go back in time to fuck Sylvia Plath.” Me, quickly shoving a book of poetry, gas station boner pills and two white monsters in my pocket: “No, that’s not true I’m gonna kill Hitler.”

Going to work tomorrow and the second the judge opens his mouth I’m going to yell “THIS IS THE 13th REASON WHY”

Why did we stop making quaaludes, did we literally lose the recipe

I need a sexy Irish baddie (dark eyed beauty with the weight of she world on her thin but muscular shoulders)

When we organize the Great Hunt, I bet Elon does something stupid like tries flees to Mexico under the name Elon Martinez

Say what you will about Adam Scott, but the man makes really good movie choices

I’m doing a thing

Beautiful woman: but yeah you know I still don’t really know what I want to do with my life, in a lot of ways I still feel like a kid. Me, charming and ruggedly: I know what I want to do with your life. Put my dick in it.

Gonna start assembling an x wing mini tonight, pray for me

It’s wild that the Irish Beastie Boys were like Armored CARS and tanks and GUNS Came to take away our SONS But every man must stand behind the man behind the… mmmwireeeeeeee

It’s wild that the Irish Beastie Boys were like Armored CARS and tanks and GUNS Came to take away our SONS But every man must stand behind the man behind the… mmmwireeeeeeee

I’m listening to @morecivilized.bsky.social , a literary leftist critique on Star Wars, and I’m not gonna lie, cried when Luke had to deal with a dying Yoda. And I hate Yoda. It’s on sight with that little freak. What a good movie.

I can send you to a place in the lower east side where they’ll give your a shot of bourbon and a beer for 8 dollars.

I think smoking should be taught in schools

They should invent a pill that makes your dick get hard

I bonded with a drug client today over Billy Strings and the song dust in a baggie, and we all laughed with the guys in the holding cell but I had to be like “but yeah no for real you are gonna go to prison though.”

One things I don’t believe about all these attempts? They’re all fake. Just absolutely pathetic attempts at astroturfing. It is incredibly easy to Do It. Kennedy a Lincoln and McKinley and Garfield showed it. Roosevelt an Nixon. You can literally just walk up to the guy and Do It.

The True Burden of the Poster is having impeccable and perfect political tastes (Marxist Leninism, been being a cool dude) while simultaneously posting things like “she oompa on my loompa til I doopity doo”

Today was my birthday and I have now become the oldest man in the world (38).

Look I don’t actually know what happened because I was doing cool stuff with my friends, but it sounds like it was pretty cool

🎶Lord you make me wanna NUT Put my hands on your BUTT🎶

I invented the engorgeable wiener

Watching the Drama, they should have more fight scenes

Entering my late 30s this weekend like

You, a fool: Mike no! You can’t just make a prequel to The Conjuring: Last Rites! It can’t be done! Me, serenely: The Conjuring: First Rites

Happy birthday planet Earth, you’re a real one

When you crank on a wiener, you either win or you die

It’s fucked up they’re making me try this case on Earth Day, that’s where all my stuff lives

Getting ready for trial like Batman (looking at my phone on the toilet)

OutKast doing spoken word be like “Hey! Yeah! Hey! Yeah!”

Y’all, you can’t be saying you’re an explicitly Jewish state and then literally go around killing Jesus. C’mon man

Otters may sleep holding hands but gay dudes sleep holding wieners

I haven’t heard anyone talk about Iran in like 4 days, does that mean the US lost 40 planes at once

🎶the best part of cranking hog Is eating chili dog🎶 😭😭😭

Goku is muslim

Canonically all mummies are Muslim

Now seated for The Mummy, if it sucks im gonna call it The Dummy (is me for watching this movie)

open.spotify.com/track/4hB2Mn... I’m gonna commune with god

Oh shit I’m back on an inadvisable amount of mushrooms to help me stop smoking, let’s get ready to see godc

At the end of the day I’m just a boy looking for a girl to help me assemble and paint my Bandai x wing model

Climb Every Mountain but it’s kiss every kitty

Hey real quick what the fuck is this

If I were President Xi I would simply give guns to Iran and simply tell the senile President of America that I essentially was not.

I’m gonna become a bishop in the Catholic Church so I can excommunicate JD Vance, I’m enrolling in seminary now, I need a priest to sponsor me but I think I can get one to do it when I tell them what this is about