I once sat in a courtroom as a prosecutor insisted, vehemently, that it was medically impossible for a man to get an erection without being sexually aroused, and even he didn’t whiff as hard as this dude

I’ll have you know we do NOT have 4.00 gas

We Americans really are just a bunch of disgusting treatlers

Whenever I feel like I’m getting too fat I just take a big ol’ poop and then bam, problem solved

For the record my cat is Irish, as she has green eyes, hates foreign invaders on her lands, and will wage an unrelenting war to get them out (neighborhood cats, and she listens to me singing songs about killing British people)

St. Patrick’s day is about one thing and one thing only: getting drunk (I’m taking a day off of my two week long booze cleanse) and singing songs about killing British people. youtu.be/j_nuOyxMrMQ?...

If someone didn’t give me love and instead gave me pale shelter, I’d be so fucking mad, I’d be pissed

I loved One Battle After Another (it’s PTA’s best movie), but I hoped The Secret Agent would have won. The scene at the end where the son admits “I don’t remember my father, I remember my grandfather taking me to see Jaws” is one of the most haunting scenes I’ve ever seen.

I’m hearing rumors that Netanyahu was absolutely bodied by an Iranian missile and I need this to be true

The coolest thing about Warhammer is the fact that everyone gets super cool armor that is powered by evil ai ghosts and also they have swords that are also chainsaws and grenade guns and also the non chainsaw swords are electric and also some of the tall dudes turn into either werewolves or draculas

Ok man for sure

Why fake it til you make it when you could jork it til you pork it

Why fake it til you make it when you could jork it til you pork it

It’s absolutely wild that people used to jork it in movie theaters, what were people thinking, you’re supposed to jork it at home

Shakespeare must have absolutely loved catching pigs to name his kid that.

A “not true” or “no bill,” is a finding from a grand jury that there is no probable cause that an offense occurred. ie, it should never have been brought in the first place. She’s bragging about creating an oppressive security state and going after people for just living their lives.

Solid Snake would break Maduro out, it would be just like MGS 2

🎶I’ll have sex with you If you want me to And I’ll fuck you right Baby all through the night🎶😭😭😭

JUCHE JUCHE JUCHE

I have never met anyone who is more adept at tracking every last cent they have than people who live or have lived in poverty it is a skill developed out of necessity and it never leaves you

Imagine being a writer for Bill Maher, imagine embarrassing that must be

The world may be on fire, but we still have the Boonta Eve Classic. I think Quadinaros has it in the bag this year.

The world may be on fire, but we still have the Boonta Eve Classic. I think Quadinaros has it in the bag this year.

Lib posting in 2020 was wild, it was all like “don’t talk to me until I’ve had my covfefe 🤣🤣🤣” and Brooklyn dad calling leftists slurs

I went out with a woman like this last night. Lenin wand Marx were right when he said these people can never hold power.

China is so fucking useless, an absolute disgrace to the communist international principles. The USSR gave nukes to Cuba. Castro personally bankrupted South Africa. Vietnam went to war with Cambodia to save them from pol pot. These feckless pieces of shit are an insult to human dignity.

The Bride! is at once a remarkably ambitious and a remarkably shitty movie. Like, startlingly bad in insane and unhinged ways

The woman crying watching me ride off into the sunset: “Wait! What will I tell the others? Who do I tell them saved th town?” Me, nodding my hat: “You tell them it was the man with the biggest wiener you ever saw.”

So the smoking hot lady from last night was kind of giving off some conservative vibes, and at a certain point was like “I’m sick of being dominant, I want to submit” and I was like “wtf are you talking about” and she said she used to be a feminist, but not anymore, she’s tired.” Ok have fun bye

international women’s day

Obvi not the most important thing, but “mutilization.”

Happy International Women’s Day from Pitbull

I have a date tomorrow with maybe the hottest woman I’ve ever met and it turns out she’s a body building trainer and dietician, and as the epitome of the schlubby mid white man, I sincerely think I have this in the bag.

I just saw a video of a flattened Tel Aviv neighborhood an thought “lol. Lmao.”

The literal only and best joy of being a Marxist and Leninist is being right literally all of the time. Like, everything is awful, but at the very least you’re not wrong about any of it

I used to say “I’ve never met an Israeli with a job.” I can’t do that anymore, because the head of our homicide division is a Tunisian French Israeli. But I’ll tell you this. Israel is fighting a war with a bunch of EDM DJs whose side hussle is date rape manning drones, and their desserts? Just.

If there is an upside to any of this, it’s that Israel’s gonna run out of iron dome real fast

Oh noooo not unauthorized images! That’s awful. Anyway Hillary Clinton is inextricably linked to Jeffrey Epstein and facilitated Gadaffi being anally raped to death for the crime of trying to do the United States of Africa.

As a good Leninist, I believe in accelerationism as a tactic. But this Iran situation… it’s not good. There’s not a Soviet Union to save Iran, China is a terrible partner. I don’t the contradictions splinter and break like this, I think we just kill a bunch of people and give Israel land.

I really need us as a people to get back to the basics, we need to go back to Vietnam era throwing paint on soldiers returning home and calling them baby killers

Commercial flights! It’s the official US government position that “lmao idk figure it out bitch”

Me when someone asks me if I think Good Things will ever happen again:

One of my favorite parts of being a public defender is a DA telling me she wants 5 years out of my dude, going back to my office, and finding out this same person who gets paid by the same entity as me and has been practicing for 4 less than years than me, makes 20,000 dollars more than me

“Mike, you’ll never impress your father enough with your dancing to convince him to give you the head of John The Baptist.” Me:

According to For All Mankind, Juche socialism is the only real way forward from this

It’d be so cool if Iran nuked dc

The “Kim Jong un is a master of goon” song is my we are Charlie Kirk

Watching Blades of the Guardians, they should have called it Blades That Go Hardians

Netanyahu has to get on a plane beyond the reach of a missile defense grid at some point, right?