Look at this asshole

I just fixed a garage door and bought upholstery cleaner, no one’s out there doing it like me

The farts coming out of my butt rn are turning this courtroom into a chemical warfare testing site frfr

🎶One love One life Let’s get together and fuck your wife🎶

🎶One love One life Let’s get together and fuck your wife🎶

Everyone say Happy Birthday Tonks

If they made respecting women illegal you know my ass would be going to prison

Teddy Roosevelt when his spouse poops out the candle she swallowed be like “the light has gone out of my wife.” This is a joke about Teddy Roosevelt and his journal entry about immense personal tragedy.,

I have a maid I hire ever since i moved into the new house and it rules, it’s the most I’ve ever felt like a grown up

One Battle After Another high key whips, and also it’s pretty cool that there’s a chase scene that goes by my buddy’s house and also a park I had sex in one time

Now seated for One Battle After Another, if it sucks (it won’t) I’m gonna call it One Bad Movie After Another

I’m not kidding when I say the only thing that will save us is an American Stalin.

Horror movies are wild because sometimes it’s a spooky ghost but sometimes the real monster is… Man.

The craziest thing about losing a lot of weight quickly is just being tired all the time. Like “oh cool it’s almost 8:00, I can go to bed soon.”

I wish someone would invent a sexy lady.

😭😭😭😭😭

They should invent a sexy lady who bangs

As an elder in my church I’m being asked by another elder of my church to apologize for making fun of Charlie Kirk getting domed, and it is at once very frustrating and very funny.

Happy new Blowback day to all who celebrate

Teddy Roosevelt when his spouse poops out the candle she swallowed be like “the light has gone out of my wife.” This is a joke about Teddy Roosevelt and his journal entry about immense personal tragedy.,

In times past, people were given surnames based on where they were from, what they did, or some characteristic. Johnson, Smith, Cooper, Wright, etc. They should bring that back. Johnny Bigwiener they’d call me.

Rip to the GOAT, Robert Redford, possibly the most effortlessly charming film presence of all time and a slightly less handsome version of me. Watching The Sting rn

I’ll just come out and say it: We need to do some Years of Lead.

Good morning to everyone except My Enemies

Bitch you best believe I didn’t forget.

They should Charlie Kirk more people like Charlie Kirk

Charlie Kirk? More like Charlie Deadashell, am I right?

rip hulk hogan u were so real for this

Pretty wild that a guy known for the size of his head got shot in the neck

Pretty wild that a guy known for the size of his head got shot in the neck

It’s so cool that they got his ass

Yoooooo they fucking killed Charlie Kirk for not loving Israel enough

I think we should get 9/11 off, like President’s Day or some other bullshit holiday

I’ve more or less not had a drink in two and a half weeks (went out with friends and had two beers over the weekend) and have been eating fish and poultry and I’ve lost like 10 pounds, it’s wild

These are two of the coolest cars I’ve ever seen

A man will literally change his whole ass life if it makes it 20 percent more likely that a woman randomly think about him.

Now seated for Out of the Past, if it sucks I’m going to call it Out of the Ass.

Now seated for Caught Stealing, if it sucks I’m gonna call it Caught Sucking.

You thought I forgot but I never forget

I’ve been listening to Gillian Welch all day and I feel like I should become a drifter

Converting all the judges in the courthouse to Islam

🎶Crank me a hog, you’re the hog cranking man Crank me a hog tonight Cuz we’re all in the mood to get our hogs cranked And you’ve got me cranking all right 😭😭😭🎶

AC/DC decorating their living room be like 🎶I’m just making this house a home (making this house a home)🎶

🎶Crank me a hog, you’re the hog cranking man Crank me a hog tonight Cuz we’re all in the mood to get our hogs cranked And you’ve got me cranking all right 😭😭😭🎶

Some lady just blocked me after saying it was Bernie’s fault that Hillary turned Libya into an open air slave market, things are definitely going great in the year of our Lord 2025.

People wanna be like “make America drug free” and I’m like nah bro, people doing drugs pays my rent bro, we need more people doing drugs

Gm comrades, let’s get this bread youtu.be/DchjPpdKALY?...

I feel like Goku would sort this Israel situation out real quick.

Going about the real business of being a Public Defendee this morning (converting my clients to Islam)