i bet a single bad flu season could wipe out the shire

my fellow scientists, i have created…life²! [reveals glass container filled with screaming flesh]

God creates dinosaurs. Earth kills the dinosaurs. God creates man. Man creates dinosaurs. Dinosaurs eat man. Women inherit the earth. Women create dinosaurs. Dinosaurs eat women. Dinosaurs inherit the earth. Dinosaurs create dinosaurs². Dinosaurs² eat dinosaurs. Dinosaurs² inherit the earth. Di

i am in love with you! yes you!!

my hair is getting staticky cause of the cold

I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream is on PS5…

Speedjack McMurdo waiting on his “package”

the worst part of vietnam was having to listen to fortunate son until you were sick of it

sweet and sour potato pie

knitting sweaters with insulation

Grinning ear to ear but like, around the back.

A ghost that makes your house smell bad when people come over

Mr. Data, open an incognito channel on the main view screen.

the single most disturbing thing i’ve seen is a video of a tarantula molting

cutest spider: jumping spider least cute spider: humping spider

a ghost sticking its head face up into the toilet

a sobbing kinky ghost sitting on its knees as my piss passes straight through it and into the toilet.

a ghost that doesn’t really ‘haunt’ you but whenever you’re shitting you get the strangest feeling you’re being watched

i would pay in blood for a late 90s/early 2000s electric EZ-GO cart or a gas EZ-GO mule in good condition. yamaha is trash and EZ-GO followed their lead for a while 🙄

in the 90s mike huckabee called my grandfather and our entire family “sons of bitches” in a verbal altercation

name’s Speedjack. i can get you anything, anywhere, or off for the right price. no questions, no wait

when I see someone driving really fast I think oh poor fella probably has diarrhea

i can’t be the only one who thought bank bollard girl was absolutely precious. i just wanna hang out with her all day and hear her perspective on things bring up. i won’t even disagree

Never change

washing your ass is for liberals, we stinky out here 💯

it’s the internet, its not that serious unless it’s an actually serious thing

'That post of mine did rather well for me. I wonder who I subconsciously stole that joke from...?'

Idk who needs to hear this, but it's time to wash your fucking ass.

Hit me (gently) with your best shot.

i want you to throw me in the tar pits in the unlikely event i die. dont let me decompose, it has to be quick

my best posts occur from roughly 9-11am when i’m high as fuck and in a hurry to get ready for class or work

stinging all the frogs and screaming 'don't take me across the river' and they scream back 'we're not trying to' but i keep stinging them all anyway because i make a little bit of money on every dead frog

stinkdog rise

watching jaclyn hill just. not. get it.

i spent three days in a sauna attempting to draw the various horse toxins out of my body

i think we should call each other and measure the pitch of our giggles. perhaps our inhalation rates :3

i’ve done worse than “scromit” so i’ll keep hitting my bong and live with the consequences

Depends: will she dump out those jugs? I miss her terribly

if this isn’t a sign of our bleak times, idk what else to say

my hair is staticky. how do we fix this wicked world?!

if you’re mad at me for this, i’ll just say that @rvnkirakira.bsky.social reposted it first & i ain’t suffering this alone

saddest marvel line is the animated avengers episode where hulk responds to Thor punching a wall with a sad, “Is this what it’s like living with me? I’d hate living with me.”

learned the term passport bros today

or just be the person someone wants to hug and kiss lmfao

i put a 800 tv on a best buy credit card a few years ago and never paid a dime. when you’re in the “my credit is so fucked it doesn’t matter but companies still give me cards” period you gotta WORK that shit

stellaris made so much sense once i realized all the numbers and text and options are just there as flavor while i wipe every goddamn alien out of the divine sky of the Mycellinite Mind

anybody ordah a sausage pissa

pepperoni pissa

I keep licking toads to get high but these aren't the high toads & they just let me lick them without telling me, fucking pervert toads. Let me try one more time with these things. One of them has to work.