Crisis averted; I ate some pizza and stopped crying. It's wild what hunger will do to a person who was otherwise keeping it together.

the legend of paul bumyum, whose giant mouth could eat a hundred asses at once

johnny cockseed

i would post that if i was you. the thought you just had. the wiggly one

I love Fallout 3’s intro. How many games let you wander around as a baby with baby objectives like reading a baby book followed by Liam Neesom showing you a bible verse cross stitch?

chstgpt helped me refine my serums

when i first heard bad bunny was gonna do the halftime show i got him confused with bhad bhabie and spent a week in a confused daze over it

nobody boards each others’ big wooden boats and stuff anymore :/

*playing in cat shit* i hate how i can never just RELAX

guys i’d really like to get drunk at this awful bar filled with old people but the liquor is water

i’m pissing in the bathroom at the electric cowboy and a guy is breaking up with his fiancé on speaker

pisses from the mrs on vday 🚿

my issue is making people like me is borderline formulaic. keeping people liking me is not.

I really need to make some friends

Forget the sidewalks, there’s too many feral dog packs here for it to be walkable.

playing jedi with a twenty pound dumbbell is an incredible upper body workout

are you bonesmashmaxxing or are you still on solid foods

need a last minute valentine?

whoa whoa whoa now, hold up — ur telling me that a 6'5 Australian TERA-CHAD Androgenic has flown to U.S and BONESMASHMAXXED in order to HUNT down the ASU frat leader and engage in a MOG-OFF to avenge Clavicular after the BRUTAL frame mog incident that took place last week?! 6-7.

i should stop consuming zero calories until dinner and then thousands between 10pm-4am

i think i ate like fifteen hundred calories of granola bars at 3am

ewoks frowning in frustration as vader cooks way past edible

i wonder if the imperials running around the exploding death star thought like was dragging vader off as a trophy kill or something. oh god he’s going to eat him! and then he’s going to eat us!

oh holy shit, i think your scream of anguish, despair, and loss canceled my tinnitus for a sec. do that again.

i’m a posting machine and someone is trying to pull my plug as i continually compact more paper into the jam

“but sir, how do we do the jrpg english translation?!” cringely. make. them. wince

gonna praise my son for collecting a note of his girlfriend’s favorite stuff and activities so he knows what to get her for valentine’s day, her birthday, etc. that’s advice shitty husbands usually need to get at like age FORTY

actually i sleep in this race car bed with my wife and girlfriend, you tradhusband ass fool. get out of my house, homer

DMing someone “I enjoy your posts and engaging with them. Have a nice day!”

i hate how the “don’t blame me, you’re the one that raised me” meme about couples getting together young is 1) creepy as fuck 2) so accurate it hurts

weird to realize that cause i married my wife at nineteen and we had a baby at seventeen so we finished GROWING UP TOGETHER. that’s crazy.

dude i’m fuckin crazy. i should NOT be jealous over that.

u know im hitting that caret

has mara wilson liked one of your posts or are you still struggling to feel something

looking at cybersmith posts like peeking through the blinds at the neighbor drunkenly shitting on his car

I have 495 favorite posters, assuming I haven’t accidentally followed any resisters, bots, or cybersmith again

whenever im done pissing i think to myself "never again" but i keep coming back time after time. I'm addicted.

my wife’s friends are always like “your husband sounds amazing…i wish my husband/boyfriend was like that” and it’s just brushing my teeth or having grocery list suggestions

cats wide eye staring out the window at birds getting blueballed as fuck

i really want a tunnel snakes back tattoo

tunnel snakes rule the vault!

Panel from some issue of Zap! Comix with Zippy the Pinhead, story called "The Punks and the Monks". Under Zippy's guru-ship, the All-One House has requisitioned many clothes driers and are meditating on the tumbling items Monks: Bi bi bi bi bi bi bi bi bi bi Zippy: The Pink Socks are from Venus

idk it’s just weird to realize all those weird racist jokes my family were targeted AT THEMSELVES. i never understood “well there’s a [slur] in every barrel” and shit as a kid and dude they’re all white passing unless you know to really LOOK look. it’s like a family tradition i guess????

there are two trolley tracks. one has been vandalized by teenagers for views and will derail the trolley, causing millions in property damages and billions in passenger lawsuits. the other has five people tied to it. what do you do.

if a doctor told me i’m only 50% human and the rest is active neanderthal genes and failed mutations, i’d take it at face value. makes sense, send it to more labs to be sure but yeah, checks out.

i know my nemisis has located me when my third nipple begins to burn