I know how to REALLY drop autism rates… if women refuse to reproduce, rates will go wayyy down. Tylenol or not

Thank god my mom just did Valium and Virginia Slims when she was pregnant with me

Is it only the rapture in the US?

May all of your raptures be just what you weee hoping for

No matter how shitty your day is, always be nice. Like instead of saying STFU, try saying “please sir, will you kindly STFU”. Kindness is my passion

So much research going into why zebras have stripes but maybe it just makes them feel pretty

If someone ever told me to shut up I’d be like: OMG, someone was listening?

My son insulting the dog- “mom, If she could talk, I think she’d snitch on me to you.” 1. Would this face snitch on anyone? 2. Snitches get stitches even as behbehs

Did I skeet this before? ~ a memoir

In preparation for the French-Revolution-style protests and strikes we all have coming our way, I just ate half a loaf of bread with cheese. Je ne regrette rien. Vive la revolution! See? It’s working

Live, Laugh, LinkedIn

What’s a movie that terrified you as a kid: The Watcher in the Woods

Speed enforcement cameras?! I got mailed a ticket for going 69 in a 55 mph work zone. The only way to contest it is by proving I sold my car. 🤬🤬 suck my dick.

I hate you, but I'm not IN hate with you.

It's called the Mandola Effect. You're remembering it wrong.

I think I liked the Steve Miller that people called Maurice.

Might just fuck around and run with two pairs of scissors.

Fish are bad huggers but great listeners

I tried so hard and got so far and in the end I disrupted B2B sales with my innovative strategies - LinkedIn Park

Now would be a really good time, Godzilla.

A very merry unbirthday to us!

Yuko Shimizu, New York based award winning Japanese illustrator #womensart

I was drinking a martini when the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet,” and we all laughed - except one person.

I think turning into a siren and luring men to their doom could fix me

Me, into the Abyss: AAAAAHHHH Abyss, back at me: No shit

Would anyone just scoop me up and put me in their shirt pocket so I can hear your heartbeat and fall asleep like a baby kangaroo?

Lolol why am I even like this??

ME: Can you ease up a bit? That's too close. I can't breathe. TINY DANCER: *squeezes tighter* This is what you wanted.

what a fun, sexy time

If laughter is the best medicine then how come women’s laughter doesn’t cure erectile disfunction?

You hope I have a blessed day? Gross

I can diagnose people by looking at them. Cunts. All cunts.

The amount of cute aggression I have for my dog probably isn’t normal. But LOOK! LOOK AT MY DOG!

let’s flood the house with carbon monoxide, make love, pass out sex-drunk & call it a life

I hate to cancel. I know we made plans to get together tonight but that was 3 hours ago. I was younger then, full of hope. But now I’m tired

So it turns out, it wasn’t that he didn’t want a relationship, it’s that he didn’t want a relationship with me. But he wants us to be best friends. What?! My head can’t comprehend this situation. He isn’t attracted to me but he thinks I’m cool? Help!

according to this pregnancy test, i’m on drugs

Do you ever have it where you want your mom, but not your mom, some other mom from tv who is nice? I want that mom.

Was starting to feel sad, but I had a friend help me with a couple of proper orgasms, realized tomorrow’s Wednesday, had a glass of wine and now I don’t feel so bad. I guess I learned a couple of my favorite things

Anyone watch that documentary Unknown Number the High School Catfish?!😳😳

A tragic love story where we spend our whole lives hiding from each other because we are scared of what it means to give away pieces of ourselves.

I figured out why I’ve been sad recently. This is my first Labor Day in a long time where I don’t have a date. Who am I going to kiss when the ball drops at midnight??

I hope you get a good morning kiss when you wake up this morning

In all seriousness, are they banning the Flowers in the Attic books? Or My Sweet Audrina? Those books had rape and incest and murder and I was reading them on 7th grade. I know my mom bought them for me. Those books were DARK.

Sads are all gone!

Hey @doomkick.com I owe you a special thanks for introducing me to @leela-after-dark.bsky.social. Sincere gratitude to both of you. 🫶🫶🫶

My son just crashed the car through the garage door,which caused me to have a vaso-vagal episode and pass out. Now I just want to get back in bed for the rest of the day and cry. It’s just adding to my sads. Am I allowed to get in bed for the rest of the weekend?

Do men experience the feeling of being so frustrated they could cry? It’s probably misplaced rage, but I am feeling it now. There should be a phone line where you just get to call and yell at men.