My theory is that there's something about running a social media site that inevitably drives you insane. Only MySpace Tom got out clean.

It should be illegal to record video at karaoke. We sounded awesome last night but now there are instagram stories that appear to refute this fact? No. This is a crime. Prison.

in the medbed for diarrhea again

American Horror Story: Do You Even Need to Ask Anymore

kpop bargain hunters

It was truly a beautiful, magical time to be alive. Oh, to be young and optimistic and excited about this cool new trick you just learned with HTML.

Does The Bible not teach us "He who has not any medical insurance shan't receive ER care"?

Ahhhh, the replacement American Dream after you guys carelessly broke the old one.

Me timbers? Shiver them.

It’s 2037 and my microwave is prompting me to download the Hot Pocket Plus Pass for $9.99 a month

Nothing makes you feel cooler than rolling a suitcase 9 blocks down a cobblestone street at 8 am

I contend that this was and remains the best example of intelligent recasting in entertainment history. I will not be taking questions at this time.

Whenever I listen to Any Way You Want It I imagine that Journey were advertising Baby Hold Tight, the hottest Christmas toy of 1980

Getting myself into @thelouvreof.bsky.social with a poorly photoshopped image of Harambe greeting Jane Goodall at the pearly gates

oh fuck i just remembered how scary the names are gonna get on here pretty soon. i mean i'm brave so it won't scare me and i'm not scared now. i'm worried about you guys. i won't always be here to protect you

A mass shooter writing ceci n'est pas une balle on all his bullets to ensure that the media commentary in the aftermath is even more annoying.

Cutting my baguette diagonally for chaotic reasons

The Medbed cured my poster's madness

I wish I was as confident in any of my beliefs as Labour are that the average British voter is a hateful little goblin who wants nothing more than to gleefully kick foreign people

While an undeniably wonderful and cathartic conversation, I probably could have done without my ex-wife messaging me drunk at 11:55PM with "Can I come with a couple of beers for a chat?" until I had to walk her home at 5:45AM. Tomorrow is cancelled.

this is a broader point but something the extract below touches on is that smartphones have made "not being online" an active choice you have to make every minute of every day, and as it states it *is* a mental tax you have to pay, and I'm not sure we've reckoned with that at all

EVERYONE: it could always be worse AMERICA: deal

I reference The Matrix a lot for someone who’s never actually seen The Matrix.

they're turning me into a Stretch Armstrong bro the government has a ray that turns you into a Stretch Armstrong

was just at the gas station buying milk for my kids and when I noticed a guy in his early twenties gearing up for the night with two red bulls and a pack of cigs I was briefly caught in a proustian reverie so deep the cashier probably thought I was on drugs

Fool me once, shame on you Fool me twice, shame on me Fool me 3 times, shame on me Fool me 4 times, shame on me (Keep going, I’m really gullible)

I'm not a bot but I am really good at ignoring all previous instructions

I've peaked at 44. It's all downhill from here. Gonna talk to a donut about it.

I clap when the plane lands because I’m alive. Then I clap again when my luggage arrives. Then I clap when I find my car. I’m very supportive.

This is what Kevin Spacey whispered to his elderly bride to make her die more quickly in Superman Returns

Dentist's verdict a year since my last check-up: "Beautiful teeth, great!" Can't tell you how elated I am to hear that. I spent two hours a week with her for two years to fix my teeth after a decade of poverty-induced neglect. I'm gonna celebrate with a beer.

I have a dental appointment in 61 minutes. Quick, someone get me up to date on floss.

The Bluesky feed is weird for people who don't know what a Chotiner is

just killed a mosquito with my bare hands am now possibly ready to take on God AMA

Some other drugs and the ailments the White House is trying to tie them to: Advil- the vapours Robitussin- jimmy leg Mucinex- bicycle face

Tired: Drag queen story hour Wired: Autistic pharmacist dealing Tylenol

Posting middle aged thirst traps to Instagram for an audience of one. I guess this is what a mid-life crisis looks like when you can't afford a Porsche

I’ve been writing detective comics for a long time now, so I know when a close up magician has been pushed into a canal.

Can't, raptured

Honestly, I’m pretty OK with the idea of idiots having headaches

And this, friends, is the origin story of the 2027 NYT bestseller Baby Smotherer: The Horror of United 492

I am going to wake up early tomorrow morning and put on a full beat so I look nice for either rapture or tribulation

Flagged by insurance companies as a high risk client after they learned I put this wool Brioni blazer in the washing machine yesterday because I couldn’t be bothered to take it to the dry cleaner. The equivalent of sharing a needle for the sartorial world.

What's this Tuesday shit? The rapture happened last week. They only took Robert Redford.

Opposing gas chambers due to the prohibitive cost of Zyklon B.

If you want to discourage pop-ins, always be cleaning up blood when someone stops by.