Saw a headline that said "The Epstein Scandal is Snowballing." Now I'm terrified to find out what snowballing is slang for.

I'm performing in Charlotte, NC on Wednesday 11/12* *assuming, you know, planes Tickets 👇

Dogs act like kids who grew up during the depression. They're just like, "oh hell yeah, this stick is my new favorite toy. Wait, AND you're feeding me an egg today? Is it my birthday?"

Remember to take rest days!!! An important part of being productive is making time for yourself to feel guilty about not being productive!

Remember, if you want that perfect winter body, you should be eating carbs now

Communication was always our issue Upcoming dates Charlotte, NC 11/12 New Orleans, LA (Skankfest) 11/14 - 11/16 Great Barrington, MA 12/12 Chicago, IL 12/17 Boca Raton, FL 3/6

I'm not trying to be alarmist, but ever since Mamdani won the primary, it's gotten darker earlier every single day in New York. cOiNcIdEnCe?!?!

Some people never feel bad about anything, and here I am feeling weird that every day I wear sunscreen but also take a vitamin d

No matter what happens today, one thing we can all agree on is that Eric Adams was a terrible mayor.

I'm genuinely concerned about Mamdani being too young to be mayor. Not because I don't think he can lead, but because I'm older than he is and now I'm being expected to "do something" with my life???

I actually think it's very accurate when a company says "we're a family." Because yeah I don't talk to like half of mine unless I absolutely have to.

I watched the hug between Erica and JD, so now I guess I have 7 days to show someone else the video or I die

Happy Halloween to that guy especially

Ahhhh, Halloween in New York City. The day we try to figure out who's in costume and who just looks like that.

RIP Albert Fish, you would have loved the term "girl dinner"

Calling someone or something a Temu fillintheblank is a Temu joke format.

I don't care about actors or pop stars. I just need to know if Nate The Hoof Guy is nice in real life.

8 hours for work, 8 hours for sleep, 8 hours for baseball

I understand why some people are mad that Mamdani told that story about his aunt. Being afraid to take the subway is actually cultural appropriation of Cuomo voters.

I would feel safer being Jewish around Mamdani than I would being a woman around Cuomo.

My neighbor is LEAVING New York City if Mamdani wins. Or if Cuomo wins. Or Sliwa. She's actually just retiring and going back to her home country. I'm so happy for her - keep in touch Mariana! I'll do everything in my power to keep your lavender plant alive.

My skin looks amazing because I'm not even a little bit fun

Curtis Sliwa: don't glaze me, bro Zohran Mamdani: lmao Andrew Cuomo: glazing...is that when you're with a woman and you--

The other day I was arguing with my Jewish friend, because that's how you make Jewish friends

Explaining Judaism in Louisiana

I know I'm not gay because I'm happily married to my husband, even though I know that's what JD Vance wants.

You know how we all want the Olympics to have a regular person do the event, too, so we can see how skilled the athletes actually are? I feel like that's what they're doing with Curtis Sliwa running for mayor.

Hi, if you live in the Columbus, OH area, I'll be performing Friday October 24 in Zanesville. Get tickets now before they cancel the show because nobody's buying tickets ✌️😬

How do young gymnasts decide which events to specialize in? It must be such a tough balancing act.

Pitbulls really are the most American dogs. Yes you hear in the news about one that randomly flips out and kills someone, but the vast majority are super friendly and just want to say hi.

My dog always tries to eat her toys. She would turn a ropes course into a ropes course.

Nobody wants to admit it, but trump does deserve credit for the ceasefire, which lasted almost as long as this sentence.

Airports are refusing to show the video of Kristi Noem. It's one step forward in making flying more dog friendly.

Both my parents just got hearing aids. It's the most I've ever been worried for their marriage.

Let RFK jr know that if someone is circumcised and loves baseball stats, he's probably not autistic, he's just Jewish.

Anyone else ever see the letter "u" in a word and get mad? Because it's like, oh ok you're here, but "q" isn't ever allowed to go out if you're not there right next to it?

"if you don't have kids, who will take care of you when you're older?" Maybe someone I pay who doesn't have decades of baggage with me specifically?!?!

Neck, pussy, and crack make sense. Licking the back is weird.

Um ok how can literacy rates in the US be in trouble if we're constantly writing on bullets?

Just because they don't care about my well-being doesn't mean I don't care about theirs. So all jokes aside, has anybody checked on the person controlling the cursed doll of Stephen Miller to make sure they're ok?

Just a theory

Older generations: *sigh* a house is not a home Millennials and Gen Z: OK BUT YOU HAVE A HOUSE THOUGH

Touché to this woman. Please be my friend 😬

Don't sit in the front row at my shows unless you're ready for me to respect that you came to watch a show, not be a part of it, but yeah I might high five you at some point when I tell this one joke

Ok fine I'll bite -new zombies

Right after my husband and I met, we had this conversation

Have we tried unplugging the government and plugging it back in?

Women aren't attracted to men who are taken because we want what we can't have, it's literally just because someone finally started dressing them better.

It feels like it's all being run by every kid who refused to do any work during the group project.

Yom kippur is the holiday that I, as a woman, am best at. I'm constantly apologizing and trying but failing to eat less.