Ariel Elias
@arielcomedy.bsky.social
π€ 3040
π₯ 188
π 996
Punchup.live/arielelias Comedian, Kentucky, Jewish, Beer chugger
Saw a headline that said "The Epstein Scandal is Snowballing." Now I'm terrified to find out what snowballing is slang for.
2 days ago
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I'm performing in Charlotte, NC on Wednesday 11/12* *assuming, you know, planes Tickets π
6 days ago
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Dogs act like kids who grew up during the depression. They're just like, "oh hell yeah, this stick is my new favorite toy. Wait, AND you're feeding me an egg today? Is it my birthday?"
6 days ago
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Remember to take rest days!!! An important part of being productive is making time for yourself to feel guilty about not being productive!
7 days ago
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Remember, if you want that perfect winter body, you should be eating carbs now
9 days ago
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Communication was always our issue Upcoming dates Charlotte, NC 11/12 New Orleans, LA (Skankfest) 11/14 - 11/16 Great Barrington, MA 12/12 Chicago, IL 12/17 Boca Raton, FL 3/6
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10 days ago
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I'm not trying to be alarmist, but ever since Mamdani won the primary, it's gotten darker earlier every single day in New York. cOiNcIdEnCe?!?!
11 days ago
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Some people never feel bad about anything, and here I am feeling weird that every day I wear sunscreen but also take a vitamin d
12 days ago
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No matter what happens today, one thing we can all agree on is that Eric Adams was a terrible mayor.
12 days ago
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I'm genuinely concerned about Mamdani being too young to be mayor. Not because I don't think he can lead, but because I'm older than he is and now I'm being expected to "do something" with my life???
13 days ago
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I actually think it's very accurate when a company says "we're a family." Because yeah I don't talk to like half of mine unless I absolutely have to.
14 days ago
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I watched the hug between Erica and JD, so now I guess I have 7 days to show someone else the video or I die
15 days ago
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Happy Halloween to that guy especially
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16 days ago
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Ahhhh, Halloween in New York City. The day we try to figure out who's in costume and who just looks like that.
16 days ago
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RIP Albert Fish, you would have loved the term "girl dinner"
17 days ago
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Calling someone or something a Temu fillintheblank is a Temu joke format.
17 days ago
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I don't care about actors or pop stars. I just need to know if Nate The Hoof Guy is nice in real life.
19 days ago
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reposted by
Ariel Elias
the feminine pristiq
19 days ago
8 hours for work, 8 hours for sleep, 8 hours for baseball
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I understand why some people are mad that Mamdani told that story about his aunt. Being afraid to take the subway is actually cultural appropriation of Cuomo voters.
19 days ago
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I would feel safer being Jewish around Mamdani than I would being a woman around Cuomo.
21 days ago
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My neighbor is LEAVING New York City if Mamdani wins. Or if Cuomo wins. Or Sliwa. She's actually just retiring and going back to her home country. I'm so happy for her - keep in touch Mariana! I'll do everything in my power to keep your lavender plant alive.
22 days ago
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My skin looks amazing because I'm not even a little bit fun
23 days ago
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Curtis Sliwa: don't glaze me, bro Zohran Mamdani: lmao Andrew Cuomo: glazing...is that when you're with a woman and you--
24 days ago
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The other day I was arguing with my Jewish friend, because that's how you make Jewish friends
26 days ago
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Explaining Judaism in Louisiana
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27 days ago
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I know I'm not gay because I'm happily married to my husband, even though I know that's what JD Vance wants.
27 days ago
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You know how we all want the Olympics to have a regular person do the event, too, so we can see how skilled the athletes actually are? I feel like that's what they're doing with Curtis Sliwa running for mayor.
30 days ago
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Hi, if you live in the Columbus, OH area, I'll be performing Friday October 24 in Zanesville. Get tickets now before they cancel the show because nobody's buying tickets βοΈπ¬
about 1 month ago
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How do young gymnasts decide which events to specialize in? It must be such a tough balancing act.
about 1 month ago
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Pitbulls really are the most American dogs. Yes you hear in the news about one that randomly flips out and kills someone, but the vast majority are super friendly and just want to say hi.
about 1 month ago
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My dog always tries to eat her toys. She would turn a ropes course into a ropes course.
about 1 month ago
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Nobody wants to admit it, but trump does deserve credit for the ceasefire, which lasted almost as long as this sentence.
about 1 month ago
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Airports are refusing to show the video of Kristi Noem. It's one step forward in making flying more dog friendly.
about 1 month ago
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Both my parents just got hearing aids. It's the most I've ever been worried for their marriage.
about 1 month ago
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Let RFK jr know that if someone is circumcised and loves baseball stats, he's probably not autistic, he's just Jewish.
about 1 month ago
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Anyone else ever see the letter "u" in a word and get mad? Because it's like, oh ok you're here, but "q" isn't ever allowed to go out if you're not there right next to it?
about 1 month ago
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"if you don't have kids, who will take care of you when you're older?" Maybe someone I pay who doesn't have decades of baggage with me specifically?!?!
about 1 month ago
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Neck, pussy, and crack make sense. Licking the back is weird.
about 1 month ago
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Um ok how can literacy rates in the US be in trouble if we're constantly writing on bullets?
about 1 month ago
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Just because they don't care about my well-being doesn't mean I don't care about theirs. So all jokes aside, has anybody checked on the person controlling the cursed doll of Stephen Miller to make sure they're ok?
about 1 month ago
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Just a theory
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about 1 month ago
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Older generations: *sigh* a house is not a home Millennials and Gen Z: OK BUT YOU HAVE A HOUSE THOUGH
about 1 month ago
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TouchΓ© to this woman. Please be my friend π¬
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about 1 month ago
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Don't sit in the front row at my shows unless you're ready for me to respect that you came to watch a show, not be a part of it, but yeah I might high five you at some point when I tell this one joke
about 1 month ago
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Ok fine I'll bite -new zombies
about 1 month ago
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Right after my husband and I met, we had this conversation
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about 1 month ago
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Have we tried unplugging the government and plugging it back in?
about 1 month ago
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Women aren't attracted to men who are taken because we want what we can't have, it's literally just because someone finally started dressing them better.
about 2 months ago
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It feels like it's all being run by every kid who refused to do any work during the group project.
about 2 months ago
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Yom kippur is the holiday that I, as a woman, am best at. I'm constantly apologizing and trying but failing to eat less.
about 2 months ago
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