I’ve been off twitter for so long… This just made me unreasonably happy to see. Like getting lunch with an old friend.

losing my mind at how ruthless this sentence is

Yes, gas prices are going up but our new PAYNE AT THE PUMP program will make it fun for the whole family: now you can watch 1995's MAJOR PAYNE in 2.5 minute bites! Note: It will not remember what scenes you've already watched. And sometimes it will show 1994's RENAISSANCE MAN but we don't know why.

This is how a significant portion of the American economy works now.

My longstanding policy preference has been to torture zero souls, for zero days. My colleague Satan preferred to torture all souls, for eternity. I appreciated his willingness to negotiate, which led to the historic Torture One Million Souls act of 2014 and the Torture A Bunch More Souls act of 2018

Deeply saddened to learn of the loss of my dear friend Satan, the Prince of Lies. Though we often disagreed about matters such as the appropriate role of torture in the afterlife, I will most remember how his quick wit and affable nature made our weekly golf outings a ritual. He will be missed.

🥹🫡

Vaxxed??

She's just like me

*meredith brooks voice* im a mitch im mcconnell i help trump comma donald ive a turtle for a head im probably really dead

DAWG WE'RE DOING STATE-RUN GAS PRICES AT PRICE CONTROLLED RATES DESPITE INCREASING SHORTAGES TO PACIFY THE PEOPLE AND THEY'RE SCREAMING ABOUT HOW THEIR OPPONENTS WANT COMMUNISM I AM GOING TO LOSE MY ENTIRE GODDAMN MIND

FUCK

Business idea: algorithmic-style Dynamic Pricing at restaurants. You can get French onion soup for $1.75 when it's really hot out, but a tomato salad costs $57 in August. Everyone hates it; Softbank has already contributed $150m in funding just off the concept.

to sum up

look, straight up, if LeBron James signs with the Sixers at the vet min, I am going to be Sixersposting like it's 2016. Just cringe outdated memes and Timothe Luwawu-Cabarrot propaganda. I would gain the power to bring back Vine.

Bill Simmons' epic post-colonoscopy Jaylen Brown trade reaction: 'I had a Paul George rammed up my ass'

"Bill Simmons coming out of his colonoscopy to find out the Celtics traded Jaylen Brown for Paul George" would be the pilot episode of a Curb-style show I'd write to ruin Bill Simmons's life

If there's anything I've learned from the past 20 years of Sixers history it's that Jaylen Brown is gonna lose interest in basketball and maybe also a leg and PG is gonna inexplicably turn into the clutchest player alive

BREAKING: Raptors Send Dick, Picks to Clippers for Kawhi

Charles Poon

I’m sorry, no. This is not the guy who did the reflecting pool. No. Come on. We’re just putting a hat on a hat here. www.nytimes.com/2026/06/18/u...

undeniably good optics: signing a war treaty in Versailles

I like that “Widow’s Bay” is from a “Parks and Recreation” writer and answers the question, “What if they made a whole show out of the Pawnee City Hall murals?”

“os(jerk)off” is just sad, man. the guy produced “washed up psycho bette midler” and “tedious smokey the bear commercials”. it’s like watching manning in 2015 except von miller isn’t there to win it for him

I see he's a student of the Cotton Eyed Joe school of Philosophy

Perfect.

i believe that the election was rigged against spencer pratt. i am basing this on the fact that every sports bettor i follow on truth social said they voted for him. i live in daytona florida and lost my jet ski rental company in my most recent divorce. i am about to launch my own streetwear brand.

There IS a brilliant version of this show, where an empowered team of excellent journalists tackle a conspiracy Joe Rogan believes and force him to confront hard evidence that runs counter to his beliefs. They'll never make it, but I'd watch it.

Did you know that you can use jalapeno Cheetos as croutons on a salad and the government can’t even stop you or anything

Honestly, one of the funniest tweets I've ever seen.

checking in on the New York Football Giants

It’s incredibly clear the future of war is a paper airplane with a webcam and a stick of dynamite tapped to it and we’re ordering gigantic battleships that may be done in 15 years

Bruins: dead Celtics: dead Red Sox: ass Patriots: marriage counseling welcome to hell Boston you deserve it

If the current Big Dom dies or retires they hold a conclave to pick the next Big Dom.

I knew the Sixers would win bc Joel Embiid's statline played the song

a sudden powerful, ancestral, gothic bad feeling has overtaken me

paolo banchero should have killed people instead of hoopin, hes tall as helll

hate Tobias Harris so much I’m watching this game specifically to see him lose

This is interesting because it challenges two widely held political assumptions: 1) that people love it when everything at the supermarket is at least $8.99 and 2) that the easiest way to win voters over is to go on TV every day and say that you need to build a big event space or you'll die.

This is NOT what I had in mind when I voted for the man who pretended to work at McDonald's for a day and then drove around in a dump truck. I thought he would continue doing those things, thereby providing valuable services in my community

trying to play peekaboo with my child but he's a European diplomat: me: where'd daddy go? baby: we must articulate a post-daddy vision of strategic autonomy me: peekaboo! baby: my historic relationship with my father is stable despite recent troubles

I solve mental health by calling everyone "big dog" or playboy

Including "you can't be restricted from voting unless the government has a really good reason" is so awesome. Incredibly lawyer-brained move to bring a knife to the knife fight but also bring a gun for your opponent

It’s really funny that the most despised shooter this weekend is Klay Thompson

donating my alive body to science so it can be studied as to how I remain capable of being embarrassed by the Sixers