I just heard a coworker saying ‘and then I opened the door and there were penises everywhere’. I’ve no idea what she was talking about but I’m guessing it wasn’t the gateway to Narnia.

Serving bluesky chicken noodle soup and ginger ale because it's so sick

STOP. SEEING. OTHERS. AS. COMMODITIES.

I plan on doing a whole lotta flouncing this Spring

My toxic trait is having a plant for one day and convincing myself I now have a green thumb

Ah. Outlook really still have these minor, but mind-boggingly dumb bugs that are so wildly annoying that I'd rather stick my balls into a paper shredder while making papercuts on my urethra than continue trying to make these official work signature.

Holy shit not only do I have 1k followers but some of them are just hot as fuck

Holy shit somehow I have 1k followers Time to shut this shit down and reappear later

I know how to do too many things to actually stick to a sideline

i just stabbed my stupid bitch ass neighbor with a meat thermometer. i thought he was AI. i can’t tell the difference anymore. crazy times we live in, right?

So, if your actual goal was to upend the petrodollar, because everyone around you wants the economy to be bitcoins and polymarkets, your family was getting richer in endless corruption, theft and insider training and you're a manchild w no emotional regulation- what would you even do any different

You aren’t special I disappoint everyone

the way people are staring you’d think no one’s ever brought an air fryer into this gym before

Why is your god obsessed with sins? What a kinky bitch.

When I was a kid, I held a large, long-haired, black cat while my mother trimmed clumps of poopy fur from around his butthole. Come at me, bro.

Who said money can't buy happiness? I went shopping today and I feel fucking great. If only I can do it all the time. Hey, you! Give me money so I can go again.

I'm going to be so normal today. you'll see me around and be like "damn that bitch is normal as hell" and I'll be like. yeah.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed? VICTIM: No ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

Trump will probably go back to threatening to annex Canada, while Carney publishes a new cookbook involving POW flesh and ripped pages from the Geneva convention the rusty chains holding angry Quebecois about to explode since the Habs have a 50-point marker for the first time since de last referendu

Not to sound pretentious but Pinot Grigio pairs well with lucky charms

I would be more patient if it didn’t take forever.

At some point, there could be a giant shiny symbol meaning STOP BULLYING EACH OTHER in a spot some imbecile decided was holy and we dumb fucks would be arguing to the death about what colour was their fucking cravat

did we ever figure out what caused the panic at the disco

a hamburger in hand is worth 2 in the helper

Hey quick question, can an employer really ask you to participate in the company orgy?

you can take a horse to hamburger. But you can't make it help

Imagine someone nice... Wrong, she's an asshole Wrong, he's a piece of shit Wrong, they're a Joe Rogan fan Wrong.... wtf? Ah, finally! So cool huh? Do it more often

Someone at work just now: "Birds don't have sex, they aren't mammals"

The only difference between a war hero and a war criminal is which side’s camera is rolling.

*adds arsenic to finish off the seizure salad*

I only want one thing and it's the boys being back in town

CYNDI LAUPER: 🎶 some boys take a beautiful girl and hide her away from the rest of the world 🎶 ANDREW LLOYD-WEBBER: [trying to think of a plot for The Phantom of the Opera] huh

kalamata olives i love you 💖

Going back to my roots (burying myself in the garden)

guys can we please all live together in a big tree stump

a coup would be hilarious

one time my dad was digging in our yard when suddenly he found an ancient manuscript that looked like it had been buried there for centuries, so he read it to us at the dinner table that night & that’s when we realized that it was actually an owner’s manual for a 1985 vw scirocco

My province passed a law against "street prayers and religious signs in the public sector". So they fired a LOT of Arab teachers and kindergarten workers because they wore a hijab. And now dumbfucks are saying pro-Palestine demonstrations are "public prayer" because "they're speaking Islam"

So now I get actual, legit cocaine ads on FB

BREAKING: The homophobic Texas televangelist (J.O.) who claimed Iran would surrender on Easter and name Donald Trump as their new Ayatollah so he could convert all of Iran to Christianity accidentally emailed his entire congregation his Grindr account in his Easter morning e-card… Pot meet kettle.

HANG UP YOUR BATTLE AXE, TODAY YOU WILL BATTLE DARK THOUGHTS. AND YOU WILL WIN.

From now on and until further notice or until one moves here I'm only dating Finnish girls, because there's no Finnish girls in this town which is perfect since I don't want to date.

I love meeting new people except for the "people" thing

Is it just me or some feminist influencers are just promoting sexual guilt and patriarchy by the backdoor? "Women never say thing like men say "I'd bang her" or "I'll f*ck her until she can't walk straight" is a wild take My high school girl friends were worse, and they weren't even "slutty girls"

I believe in you and your dumbass dreams

Having to create an account to buy replacement lenses for my old Ray-Bans is bullshit

Jesus died for your sins. Now send me that dick.