Around here we have semiprovolone, much cheaper and tries much harder

rapper who hates cheese named post volone

If there is provolone cheese, it means all the other cheeses are convolone

i almost never know what i mean, i’m just saying stuff

I’m saving all my DoorDash drop off pics and making a collage to hang above my stove

WEIRD MOBILE FIREFOX PROBLEM Why is it constantly throwing my cursor in the middle of the word I just typed and adding whatever hallucinated word it wanted to autocorrect it to For example it will go "MothMotherfuckucker" for no reason

Who's Olufsen and do they like being banged?!

I think human beings should be outlawed, that way, all the goid cops would put themselves in jail so only bad cops would stay out, smuggling drugs to the people

My Empire of Dirt is what I call my job in mine waste management

no you fool "freedom of speech" isn't for standing up to systems of oppression or to make a better world, "freedom of speech" means you're allowed to use slurs and get really nasty to marginalized people without repercussions. check your bible nerd.

You know what ? Nevermind, I'll come back yesterday...

MIKE: life gave me hard lemons

here at mouthbreathing incorporated we care about your wellbeing, in that we believe your well exist, so it is being, and we care, well

... sure kitten jump on my balls there's no way it's gonna hurt just jump right on it with all your weight right as my bladder is so full it already hurts nothing bad ever comes from getting jumped on the balls by a fat cat...

Where do we apply for these secure and lucrative positions as drooling idiots?

"golf" is short for gandalf

Capitalism in America is full of wasteful machinations for tax and business benefit. Movie studios would rather burn a feature to the ground because it is a tax writeoff. Retail will dump entire stores of viable product into the garbage for the same reason. We incentivize this waste.

It's insane how many movies have been made to date. At least 100, by my count

Wait, but I thought his mom was rhe one who convinced him not to fight Mark Zuckerberg Surely that doesn't mean, no, surely no one is that pathetic, right? Right?

Fucking hate that you can't read a title or a file path or anything anymore without clicking it It's so fucking stupid Ok, on my phone I can sort of understand But my computer monitor is 32 inches across Just type it normally and type it whole Oh and show the expediter's address of emails ffs

I'm four martinis in on my day off and I'm shooting cans with a BB gun

i feel really bad for whoever ends up getting this brain when i’m finished with it

You shouldn’t make jokes on the internet it makes people mad

*quickly puts on a pair of crooked broken readers while trying to unzip your pants*

because the world isn't dystopian enough various people are making political videos about Alberta separation for... money... and not at the behest of governments just to make a buck holy shit

Sure, sex is cool, but have you considered setting achievable goals?

I wanna fight that guy who sings about not worrying and being happy

BORN TO RUN IN THE WOODS WITH A MACHETE FORCED TO LISTEN TO ENGINEERS SUCK THEIR OWN COCKS ON TEAMS

RECLAIM SAM ALTMAN'S CALCIUM GIVE IT BACK YOU IDIOT GIVE BACK THE CALCIUM YOU ARE WASTING THE POTENTIAL OF YOUR FLESH, WE COULD USE THE NUTRIENTS

I'm the primary bread loser in my family

... since my car has a fucked wheel bearing, I changed the starter on my old beat up rustbucket pick-up truck... then realized I needed to at least hide the big gapping hole on its side...

Richard Dawkins right now

Listen bro your insecurities aren't your fault but every time you let them win you hurt your loved ones by questioning their perception of you

thinking about the passage of time and getting scared

I love how often somebody who makes a career out of being analytical and skeptical ends up revealing that they believe in one particular thing that is just absolute total bullshit. There’s always something

(I make a "mouth" with the side of my hand and draw little eyes above it) Richard Dawkins: hmmmm (I put lipstick around the "mouth") Richard Dawkins, suavely: well hello

I’ve never seen a bosom look great in a tank top. I mean, feel free to prove me wrong, but not sure you can.

spent an hour setting up an experimental Hinge profile and here’s what I’ve learned: - there are so many different types of people in this world - I don’t like any of them - I will be alone forever

Of course, it's the weekend before you have to hit the road for 1800 km that you find out your wheel bearing is shot

Why are you sad? Is it because your skeets are trash?