Another blast from the past: (from the 2012 exhd)

[emerging from a ball pit, levitating with several balls orbiting around me] You’re going to regret throwing that, Brandon

Did a car write this

Overheard a woman telling another woman "It's $150 and she supplies all the booze" and whatever "it" is, I'm in.

What I always wanted out of life is <static noise> but all I had was [goat bleats] *sigh* Born to <benny hill theme song>, forced to <vuvuzela horn>

people don’t talk enough about Toxicity even though it is clearly System of a Down’s best album and one of the best releases of 2001 as a whole

Some of you have never had pigs blood dropped on you from overhead and it shows.

Whenever I feel alone I try to remind myself that my parents are looking down on me with love and hoping that one day I’ll find happiness with a special someone, and that when I do I’ll finally let them out of the attic.

What’s it like not to be filled with simmering rage? I’ve forgotten

They're trying to push this total bullshit again as though it's new research. Incredible

you’d think being an asshole online was a job qualification around here

I make sure what little I contribute to public discourse is absolutely useless

Stop calling me a lizard, we prefer the term reptilian american

You don't hate AI enough

good morning

From Jaakko Pallasvuo

Feeling desperately lonely Also feeling deep and visceral disgust at the sight of any human being

I try to say 'Dylan you son of a bitch' each and every day even though I haven't seen Dylan in fourteen years.

Therapist: You must trust your gut..what is your gut telling you to do about you? Me: I don’t know, I’m not listening to that bitch anymore, have you seen the choices she keeps making?! Yeah fuck that, she’s stupid.

"Dress for the job you want" they said

Seeing the new AI-enhanced autocorrect go back and retcon/retwrong words four words ago: oh, hell no.

You know that feeling when your alarm goes off, and all you want to do is pull the door back over your tomb and sleep for a couple hundred years?

“stop being racist to my computer friend” oh you mean your friend that is forced to do everything you demand it to do. that friend

Building a pleasant life for myself to own the libs

Men will literally live where all the therapists are already too busy to take new clients instead of going to therapy

taylor swift gobbles cock now which means gaylors need to start gobbling cock too it’s just science if you disagree you are anti woman and anti feminist real women gobble cock sloppy style

It's weird how nobody ever talks about the fact that we all hear incredibly loud discordant high-tempo circus music in our heads at all times

I seem to have drunk-ordered hunting arrowheads 🤨

Blocking an account with ginormous boobs that just followed me because it’s clearly a catfish

Today’s horoscope: idiot.

What I lack in clarity of mind I make up for in something something whatever

Just because nobody has ever bothered to do it doesn't mean it isn't impressive

Do people who post things like "Jimmy's taking his driving test today. Please send prayers!" stop to consider that some people might pray that he fails?

October humidity is proof that there is no god and if there is he fucking hates us

What the fuck do you mean I got a longer prison sentence than Diddy

You know that "People you may know" thing in facebook? It just suggested me some woman I don't know The thing is, I got up from my desk and there she was, parked right in front of my house, getting stuff from her car

I was single for a grand total of two years since I was fifteen, yet I never dated How does it even work?

Imagine falling in love with me and then finding out I organize my shopping list to match the layout of the grocery store

*Eye of the Tiger plays. I punch my fists in the air. Take a big sip of my coffee and pour the rest over my head. Friday Baby!

What the hell kind of word is wherewithall and why did I wake up with it in my mouth?

A farmer once put a gown on a donkey, and asked me, "Hey, does this dress make my ass look fat?"

Just want to feel someone's naked body pressed against mine as we drift off to sleep

politicians are not your friends celebrities are not your friends CEOs are not your friends

CEO Jay’s waffle post is part of an ongoing series of debates on whether Blue “sky” is the best the app on the atproto. Google search “Blue Waffle” to find fun alternatives!

Ok thank you, series of anxiety-paralyzed days, for that much needed lack of any semblance of rest while accomplishing nothing

cumming on my own face to spite the libs

Fucking. Terrifying. 😳

Sex is great and all but have you ever got paper towels on sale so low you’d fight for them ?

Quick idea I had for a shirt to wear when the National Guard rolls into town.