Carrion Sam
@carrionsam.bsky.social
📤 1004
📥 1122
📝 7920
I'm perfect in every way, that's why people can't stand me
pinned post!
Can someone take me in their cupped hands like a small frog and hide me in their pocket, please?
5 months ago
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bacon popsicle 🍆
1 day ago
I just heard a coworker saying ‘and then I opened the door and there were penises everywhere’. I’ve no idea what she was talking about but I’m guessing it wasn’t the gateway to Narnia.
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Boots of the Apocalypse
1 day ago
Serving bluesky chicken noodle soup and ginger ale because it's so sick
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STOP. SEEING. OTHERS. AS. COMMODITIES.
1 day ago
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Holly Ross
2 days ago
I plan on doing a whole lotta flouncing this Spring
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Brie
2 days ago
My toxic trait is having a plant for one day and convincing myself I now have a green thumb
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Ah. Outlook really still have these minor, but mind-boggingly dumb bugs that are so wildly annoying that I'd rather stick my balls into a paper shredder while making papercuts on my urethra than continue trying to make these official work signature.
2 days ago
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Holy shit not only do I have 1k followers but some of them are just hot as fuck
3 days ago
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Holy shit somehow I have 1k followers Time to shut this shit down and reappear later
3 days ago
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I know how to do too many things to actually stick to a sideline
3 days ago
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Skip, the Online Raccoon
4 days ago
i just stabbed my stupid bitch ass neighbor with a meat thermometer. i thought he was AI. i can’t tell the difference anymore. crazy times we live in, right?
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Miss Riss
5 days ago
So, if your actual goal was to upend the petrodollar, because everyone around you wants the economy to be bitcoins and polymarkets, your family was getting richer in endless corruption, theft and insider training and you're a manchild w no emotional regulation- what would you even do any different
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Salty in the South
7 days ago
You aren’t special I disappoint everyone
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B 🐝
5 days ago
the way people are staring you’d think no one’s ever brought an air fryer into this gym before
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Paused Mortem 💀
5 days ago
Why is your god obsessed with sins? What a kinky bitch.
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Return of the Cmonmacques
5 months ago
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Chicken of Vermont
6 days ago
When I was a kid, I held a large, long-haired, black cat while my mother trimmed clumps of poopy fur from around his butthole. Come at me, bro.
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6 days ago
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Paused Mortem 💀
6 days ago
Who said money can't buy happiness? I went shopping today and I feel fucking great. If only I can do it all the time. Hey, you! Give me money so I can go again.
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rebar mcentire?
6 days ago
I'm going to be so normal today. you'll see me around and be like "damn that bitch is normal as hell" and I'll be like. yeah.
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FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF
6 days ago
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed? VICTIM: No ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
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Trump will probably go back to threatening to annex Canada, while Carney publishes a new cookbook involving POW flesh and ripped pages from the Geneva convention the rusty chains holding angry Quebecois about to explode since the Habs have a 50-point marker for the first time since de last referendu
7 days ago
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Daisy
7 days ago
Not to sound pretentious but Pinot Grigio pairs well with lucky charms
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Kellalena
7 days ago
I would be more patient if it didn’t take forever.
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At some point, there could be a giant shiny symbol meaning STOP BULLYING EACH OTHER in a spot some imbecile decided was holy and we dumb fucks would be arguing to the death about what colour was their fucking cravat
7 days ago
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presentdad🙋🏻♂️
7 days ago
did we ever figure out what caused the panic at the disco
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Dr. Crud
7 days ago
a hamburger in hand is worth 2 in the helper
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Hey quick question, can an employer really ask you to participate in the company orgy?
7 days ago
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Goose
7 days ago
you can take a horse to hamburger. But you can't make it help
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Imagine someone nice... Wrong, she's an asshole Wrong, he's a piece of shit Wrong, they're a Joe Rogan fan Wrong.... wtf? Ah, finally! So cool huh? Do it more often
7 days ago
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✨👑✨ His Royal Highness Van Weasel - Lowbie King
almost 2 years ago
Someone at work just now: "Birds don't have sex, they aren't mammals"
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Tim 🇨🇦
9 days ago
The only difference between a war hero and a war criminal is which side’s camera is rolling.
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Cosmically Funny
8 days ago
*adds arsenic to finish off the seizure salad*
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Blerrestrial
8 days ago
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I only want one thing and it's the boys being back in town
9 days ago
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born miserable
10 days ago
CYNDI LAUPER: 🎶 some boys take a beautiful girl and hide her away from the rest of the world 🎶 ANDREW LLOYD-WEBBER: [trying to think of a plot for The Phantom of the Opera] huh
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All Is On
9 days ago
kalamata olives i love you 💖
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Lee Harvey (non-Oswald)
9 days ago
Going back to my roots (burying myself in the garden)
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avery
9 days ago
guys can we please all live together in a big tree stump
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joe
10 days ago
a coup would be hilarious
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Sunshine Jarboly
11 days ago
one time my dad was digging in our yard when suddenly he found an ancient manuscript that looked like it had been buried there for centuries, so he read it to us at the dinner table that night & that’s when we realized that it was actually an owner’s manual for a 1985 vw scirocco
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My province passed a law against "street prayers and religious signs in the public sector". So they fired a LOT of Arab teachers and kindergarten workers because they wore a hijab. And now dumbfucks are saying pro-Palestine demonstrations are "public prayer" because "they're speaking Islam"
10 days ago
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So now I get actual, legit cocaine ads on FB
11 days ago
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California Dreamin’… 😎
11 days ago
BREAKING: The homophobic Texas televangelist (J.O.) who claimed Iran would surrender on Easter and name Donald Trump as their new Ayatollah so he could convert all of Iran to Christianity accidentally emailed his entire congregation his Grindr account in his Easter morning e-card… Pot meet kettle.
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Orcspiration
11 days ago
HANG UP YOUR BATTLE AXE, TODAY YOU WILL BATTLE DARK THOUGHTS. AND YOU WILL WIN.
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From now on and until further notice or until one moves here I'm only dating Finnish girls, because there's no Finnish girls in this town which is perfect since I don't want to date.
11 days ago
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I love meeting new people except for the "people" thing
11 days ago
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Is it just me or some feminist influencers are just promoting sexual guilt and patriarchy by the backdoor? "Women never say thing like men say "I'd bang her" or "I'll f*ck her until she can't walk straight" is a wild take My high school girl friends were worse, and they weren't even "slutty girls"
12 days ago
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Chestbursty
almost 2 years ago
I believe in you and your dumbass dreams
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Having to create an account to buy replacement lenses for my old Ray-Bans is bullshit
13 days ago
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Paused Mortem 💀
13 days ago
Jesus died for your sins. Now send me that dick.
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