I don’t do AI. For better or for worse, my intelligence is all natural.

Don't waste your time staring at the person you are in love with. Get your butt up and go tell them you're in love with them before its too late.

Love the pull tab on soup. Love to pop open a Soup and chug it straight out of the can.

Taught my dog to shake and now he makes a killer martini

If life had a laugh track, at least I’d know when I’m supposed to find this funny.

I don’t want to grow old and get sick. I want to get hit by a train and die instantly while I’m out for a run.

be on the lookout for a very small dracula

The sex education class has been moved to the pickleball courts.

“Hands Down” by Dashboard Confessional still makes my heart race.

I’m surprised you don’t hear more LSD jokes in Utah.

Horehound candy? It's not what you think.

I can’t wait to be blocked by you, my love.

From ‘babe’ to ‘user not found’ in 3.6 seconds

*walking into your house for the first time* where is the candy room?

Anybody want some blubeberbys. Bluebbberybs. You know what that is hard

I regularly do something that is bad for my social status just to prove to myself and others that my existence is not dependent on the approval of the group.

The more of the world I see, the more I realize one of my greatest privileges was having psychologically healthy parents.

I went to sleep with a dirty dish in the sink for the first time in a long time last night. Much to think about.

I’d make him so many sandwiches.. if you’re pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down…

Do they smoke marijuana in Muskogee yet or no?

This email could’ve been a 6-part HBO miniseries

If I were ever in a pro wrestling match I would be like, "Hey, put me down. I do not consent to this."

Eating Angel Hair pasta is about the most religious I get

Saw a picture of you in my phone. Fuck you,

“I’m open to feedback,” he lied.

I don’t even have a girlfriend, and I have taken care of so many other people’s feelings today.

La petite rick and morty

The person who invented the video game joystick has disappeared, they down right up and left.

Nobody ever wears just one blue jean, but I’m going to start

french people sneeze like “au jus”

Found a cowboy hat in my ranch dressing.

They say if someone picks you up from the airport, they must love you, but my uber driver disagrees

All the food at Denny's is yellow. They can't or won't explain it.

Where do people come up with this stuff?

The Crunchwrap of Notre-Dame When researching this post, I learned there are not yet Taco Bells in France.

Spoons are a species of bowl. Knives are a species of plate. Forks are descended from a now-extinct dish that would be completely incomprehensible to the modern diner

We had a cross-department meeting today and the other team had way better gifs in the chat. My team will not sleep soundly this weekend.

Trying to multitask but basically not tasking at all.

Eating a bacon and bleu cheese burger and watching a rock show at the foot of a mountain. Sup?

Just ate a nectarine and I had almost forgot how amazing they are.

Making cheesecake in the rice cooker for the first time. Standby for results/catastrophe

What does a guy do with four hours to kill in Fresno, California?

*riverdances in* everyone is mad at you *riverdances out*

Foolproof?!! Stand aside

Just had a heart to heart with a racoon. She says we're all fucked.