#celebritytraitors I’ve been shouting at the telly

was it my way, it was my way wasn’t it

Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.

Happy birthday @beeclaudia.bsky.social Take my my hand, let’s have another adventure x

Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.

Who do you call when you think you’ve found a Banksy?

Ask not what your country can do for you, but ask why the fuck your country keeps doing things *against* you.

I’m excited about something but I just can’t remember what it was.

Woke up to a foxy visitor in my garden

That feeling when you finally turn on the heating.

each day on this planet is worse than the last

Morning!

Haven’t seen any #celebritytraitors soz

We’ve had the heating on.

Thinking about Christmas presents for my wife. Does anyone know what it smells like?

𝙿̶𝚕̶𝚊̶𝚝̶𝚘̶𝚘̶𝚗̶ Catoon (1986)

The following is REAL footage from Portland, 2025. Viewer discretion is advised.

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food? Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

@beeclaudia.bsky.social hey

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

when you totally misread the vibe

Social media in the 90’s was finding a porno mag in the woods

Yeah, it doesn’t look quite right as cabs go, but this is no way to boost its confidence.

“I don’t need to wear deodorant” ~ people who need to wear deodorant

[My first day as a detective] Me: It's one way glass he can't see you. Just point at the killer. Witness: All I can see is our reflection. Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

I’d like a C please, Bob.

When someone asks what time I’m leaving and I’m just sat scrolling on my bed in a towel

Banksy leaving me a love note

"I came into money," I whisper to the cashier while handing them a sticky thousand dollar bill.

When you’ve finally run out of emails to delete.

every time I see a photo of J. K. Rowling all I see is Voldemort in a red wig

Talk is cheep, if you're a small bird.

Yes, yes I know I keep banging on about my fucking book! However, if you want one repost this and I’ll do a random winner pick thing by the end of the week because I’m great like that. ♥️📚 #amindofmyown

Almost related .. 2000ADcomic writers have been making up fake swear words for years (eg. Drokk). My favourite is "Funt" from the Sinister Dexter comic strip.

I’d like a C please, Bob.

Couple moved in next door. Old bloke lived there before had a beautiful garden. He spent every day in it. New guy ripped out everything & put fake grass in. So I've planted trees next to the boundary that will fill his lawn with dead leaves in the autumn. This one's for you Alf

Let’s do some Monday

People don’t spontaneously combust as much as they used to.

Can’t meow right now I’m listening to catfermations

When you really fancy some toast & you look in the fridge & spot the butter but it turns out to be unsalted.

[My first day as a detective] Me: It's one way glass he can't see you. Just point at the killer. Witness: All I can see is our reflection. Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

The trouble with middle age is that nothing prepares you for those annoying hairs which sprout in places where you'd least expect them - like the fridge.

asparagus should not be able to do that

Tempting…

Overheard in my living room: "I've only sneezed ten times this month." "I'm glad you've got an affordable hobby."

It’s too wet out to do the big shop, let’s do lunch.

A toilet seat so cold that you become an ice dispenser

1st base: kissing 2nd base: petting base 10: math stuff

Leaning tower of Pisa. Would not recommend. 3/10