When one of the kids wakes up at 1pm & wonders what there’s no bacon left.

My plans for today include bacon butties, Widow’s Bay & winning the lottery. I’d settle for 2 of 3 as long as one is the lottery.

Size of that dandelion

Wordle has really gone downhill

Featuring: @accordingtojond.bsky.social @thegaychingy.bsky.social @marygillis.bsky.social @dreadships.bsky.social @raxkingisdead.bsky.social @theciscokidder.bsky.social @bingowings14.bsky.social @im-all-id.me @superbreeze.bsky.social and @hansmollman.bsky.social Thank you.

Trick people into thinking you’ve had a tattoo done by wrapping one of your body parts in cling film.

Our 50 Favourite Funny Bluesky posts of 2025. www.thepoke.com/2025/12/17/o...

#celebritytraitors I’ve been shouting at the telly

was it my way, it was my way wasn’t it

Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.

Happy birthday @beeclaudia.bsky.social Take my my hand, let’s have another adventure x

Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.

Who do you call when you think you’ve found a Banksy?

Ask not what your country can do for you, but ask why the fuck your country keeps doing things *against* you.

I’m excited about something but I just can’t remember what it was.

That feeling when you finally turn on the heating.

each day on this planet is worse than the last

Morning!

Haven’t seen any #celebritytraitors soz

We’ve had the heating on.

Thinking about Christmas presents for my wife. Does anyone know what it smells like?

The following is REAL footage from Portland, 2025. Viewer discretion is advised.

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food? Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

@beeclaudia.bsky.social hey

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

when you totally misread the vibe

Yeah, it doesn’t look quite right as cabs go, but this is no way to boost its confidence.

“I don’t need to wear deodorant” ~ people who need to wear deodorant

[My first day as a detective] Me: It's one way glass he can't see you. Just point at the killer. Witness: All I can see is our reflection. Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

I’d like a C please, Bob.

"I came into money," I whisper to the cashier while handing them a sticky thousand dollar bill.

When you’ve finally run out of emails to delete.

every time I see a photo of J. K. Rowling all I see is Voldemort in a red wig

Talk is cheep, if you're a small bird.

Yes, yes I know I keep banging on about my fucking book! However, if you want one repost this and I’ll do a random winner pick thing by the end of the week because I’m great like that. ♥️📚 #amindofmyown

Almost related .. 2000ADcomic writers have been making up fake swear words for years (eg. Drokk). My favourite is "Funt" from the Sinister Dexter comic strip.

I’d like a C please, Bob.

Couple moved in next door. Old bloke lived there before had a beautiful garden. He spent every day in it. New guy ripped out everything & put fake grass in. So I've planted trees next to the boundary that will fill his lawn with dead leaves in the autumn. This one's for you Alf

Let’s do some Monday

People don’t spontaneously combust as much as they used to.

When you really fancy some toast & you look in the fridge & spot the butter but it turns out to be unsalted.

[My first day as a detective] Me: It's one way glass he can't see you. Just point at the killer. Witness: All I can see is our reflection. Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

The trouble with middle age is that nothing prepares you for those annoying hairs which sprout in places where you'd least expect them - like the fridge.