Farage wanting to kick people out of the country because they migrated here made me angry and made me think about which best of British people and things wouldn't have happened were it not for the brilliance of immigration to the UK.

It's Toblerone,not Toberalone. Give me some pointy chocolate

And this is Batman's Aff His Nut by Robert Florence, which, in my opinion, is easily the greatest Scottish poem ever written about Batman...

Dutch late night TV has its take

5ive? 5hite more like #TOTP

I hope he managed to find a dock leaf

The existence of Betty Boo doing the do implies the existence of Betty Boothroyd doing the doothroyd

Nice of the government to remind me that the cassoulet needed stirring

Quote post with your own very dramatic (or otherwise) black and white selfie

www.theguardian.com/music/2025/s... I don't think I'll be buying The Smiths - I've nowhere to put them all, and mealtimes would be a right palaver.

🎶 🎵You're so vague You probably think this song is about something or other🎵🎶

Man has flag in toilet room

If I sweat any more, I'll have to be reclassified as soup.

This is not Paddington Bear. It's a dog wearing a costume. The dirty, scamming pig.

When you meet that inspirational teacher again, 30 years after leaving school

I thought she'd been kidnapped

Porridge_Minx

Monday

I once read that animals are happier when they have to fight for their food, so I've given my cat a pot noodle and a catapult.

I'm just glad the age verification software didn't make me cut off a limb and count the rings.

Had to miss my weekly Masturbators Anonymous meeting. I phoned and told them that I wouldn't be coming as I hadn't been feeling myself recently

My fantastic four

Warm

No: The Captain was the monster, Birdseye was the name of the scientist.

The Television We Needed: A Blue Peter spin off, where the three presenters morph into domestic pets to fight crime.

'You can't stick that up in our town!' Unsightly erections etc...

CASHIER "Thank you. Here's your change, and your receipt. Enjoy!" Me. "It's cat food..."

🎶They fuck you up Your Mum and Dad 🎶 🎶 They don't mean to But they do-be do-be doo 🎶 SINATRA - THE LARKIN YEARS.

VET 'Hi, can you please have a look at my cat?' 'Certainly. What's wrong with him?' 'He's an arsehole'

Pulp all look like teachers that lost their school pupils in a cave collapse in 1987.

If you think about it, the first person to try and stop traffic with a giant plastic lollipop must have been fucking mental.

"Hi, are you Farquar, Fadiddley Farquar, of Stan N Dan Deliver?" "No. I'm Dan D. Highway, Handyman." "Are you sure?" "Yes. I'm Adamant." #totp

Those pencil thin microphones should serve as a wrong un red flag for generations to come #totp

I love Robbie Williams

give a man a fish, he might put it in his butt. there's just no telling with dudes

I know Keir Starmer is concerned about illegal migration and small boats, but 12 attack submarines seems a bit excessive.

As today is World Parrot Day I’m bringing back to the timeline my favourite rendition of Whole Lotta Rosie by Tico (parrot) and Frank (non-parrot) of Tico and the Man (a truly great squawk n' roll band)

Sport FACT: Tennis star Coco Gauff’s full name is Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio Coco Gauff.

Leather waders are a great idea - until you're out on the lash, bursting for a shit, and you can't get your keks down.

A nice young man has just offered me his seat on the tube. I shall now return home, retire to my bed, and wait for death.

Prank Call "Hi, can I speak to Mr Wall, please?" "Sorry, there's no one here by that name" "Mrs Wall?" "No, sorry" "Are there any Walls in your house?" "No" "Who makes your sausages then?" They never expect that

'That's the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week, Sarge' 'It can only mean one thing, PC Perkins' 'What's that Sarge?' 'Someone's building a pig'

'My trousers are fashioned from Trill, and I wear a magic bread hat, Karen. That's why birds suddenly appear... '

The staff at the sperm bank call me 'Sting' because I haven't released anything worthwhile for years. And because I'm a wanker. Obviously. #totp

A head to head barista competition called 'Crema vs Crema'? No? Please yourselves.

Calm down, Switzerland. Fuck's sakes. ##Eurovision

Is it sulphuric acid?

🎶Woh-Oh, here she comes Watch out boy she'll chew you up🎶 🎶Woh-Oh, here she comes She's a manatee🎶

I once lost a job for 'acting the goat', by which I mean headbutting people and eating brambles.