For pissing on a tree?

Two Word Film Review Wuthering Shite

Happy #winniethepoohday

Man hospitalised with burns to the inside of his mouth after birthday celebrations go horribly wrong

If I had to choose three dinner guests, alive or dead, I'd probably go for dead ones to save on the washing up.

If you see this, post a vampire that isn't Dracula.

I've just phoned a cab to take me from the fridge to the toilet, so that's my New Year's resolution fucked.

IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS EVE AND STEVE

Less than 48hrs until I can legally have cheese for breakfast

One year on from the office party and I'm pleased to announce that me and the photocopier are still together and we're expecting a baby in March.

I'll never forget where I was on the day the word sacrifice gained an extra syllable #totp

Just wondering if the Scandinavians have a 58 letter word for the sense of humiliation felt when one mistakenly assumes a supermarket door is automatic, and it isn't. Also: ow.

Starting a rumour that David Essex invented the phrase “having it off”

Orinoco Flow was originally written about a period so heavy it could only be staunched using a womble #totp

If you should die one year short of receiving the 'congratulations, you're 100' telegram from the monarch, the government should let you have a Flake sticking out of your coffin.

Looking at the price of toys and feeling thankful that I had the good sense to fake all my orgasms.

Happy International Men's Day everyone

There's always one...

Get to know your mutuals. List ten random things you like 10. Counting backwards from ten 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Watching DIY SOS. If Nick Knowles turned up in my garden, I'd start crying too.

I suppose my favourite childhood memory would have to be not paying for anything

We'll probably lose against them too

*sings the last line in the style of Whitney Houston

Local firework displays are in full swing and upsetting my cat. He hates fireworks - not because of the noise - he just can't stand the thought of people enjoying themselves.

Where's your fucking poppy?

Just sat on my hand and now when I make circles on the palm with my finger it feels like my teddy bear is in someone else's garden.

Didn't think it through Vol 355227

Yer dad wears his Oodie down the garden and pretends he's one of The Traitors

It's petit, actually

Irresponsibly posting my location on social media

In keeping with the retail sector's tradition of merging Christmas, Guy Fawkes' night, and Halloween, I've just thrown a carol singer on a bonfire.

Adverts should be representative of traditional British families

PELICANS Similar in one respect to British Gas, in that they can both stick their bills up their arses

This episode of #TOTP has managed the remarkable feat of starting with Simply Red, then getting worse

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Tank fly boss walk jam nitty gritty You're listening to the boy from the big bad city This is jam hot

I’m sorry but these sound like vintage esoteric euphemisms for “homosexual”

No wonder he's smiling

Thinking about Christmas presents for my wife. Does anyone know what it smells like?

Not wishing to denigrate the power of owls, but most things are delightful after a bit of skunk.

The trouble with middle age is that nothing prepares you for those annoying hairs which sprout in places where you'd least expect them - like the fridge.

Farage wanting to kick people out of the country because they migrated here made me angry and made me think about which best of British people and things wouldn't have happened were it not for the brilliance of immigration to the UK.

It's Toblerone,not Toberalone. Give me some pointy chocolate

And this is Batman's Aff His Nut by Robert Florence, which, in my opinion, is easily the greatest Scottish poem ever written about Batman...

Dutch late night TV has its take

5ive? 5hite more like #TOTP

I hope he managed to find a dock leaf

The existence of Betty Boo doing the do implies the existence of Betty Boothroyd doing the doothroyd

Nice of the government to remind me that the cassoulet needed stirring

Quote post with your own very dramatic (or otherwise) black and white selfie