There's always one...

Get to know your mutuals. List ten random things you like 10. Counting backwards from ten 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Watching DIY SOS. If Nick Knowles turned up in my garden, I'd start crying too.

I suppose my favourite childhood memory would have to be not paying for anything

We'll probably lose against them too

*sings the last line in the style of Whitney Houston

Local firework displays are in full swing and upsetting my cat. He hates fireworks - not because of the noise - he just can't stand the thought of people enjoying themselves.

Where's your fucking poppy?

Just sat on my hand and now when I make circles on the palm with my finger it feels like my teddy bear is in someone else's garden.

Didn't think it through Vol 355227

Yer dad wears his Oodie down the garden and pretends he's one of The Traitors

It's petit, actually

Irresponsibly posting my location on social media

In keeping with the retail sector's tradition of merging Christmas, Guy Fawkes' night, and Halloween, I've just thrown a carol singer on a bonfire.

Adverts should be representative of traditional British families

PELICANS Similar in one respect to British Gas, in that they can both stick their bills up their arses

This episode of #TOTP has managed the remarkable feat of starting with Simply Red, then getting worse

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Tank fly boss walk jam nitty gritty You're listening to the boy from the big bad city This is jam hot

I’m sorry but these sound like vintage esoteric euphemisms for “homosexual”

No wonder he's smiling

Thinking about Christmas presents for my wife. Does anyone know what it smells like?

Not wishing to denigrate the power of owls, but most things are delightful after a bit of skunk.

The trouble with middle age is that nothing prepares you for those annoying hairs which sprout in places where you'd least expect them - like the fridge.

Farage wanting to kick people out of the country because they migrated here made me angry and made me think about which best of British people and things wouldn't have happened were it not for the brilliance of immigration to the UK.

It's Toblerone,not Toberalone. Give me some pointy chocolate

And this is Batman's Aff His Nut by Robert Florence, which, in my opinion, is easily the greatest Scottish poem ever written about Batman...

Dutch late night TV has its take

5ive? 5hite more like #TOTP

I hope he managed to find a dock leaf

The existence of Betty Boo doing the do implies the existence of Betty Boothroyd doing the doothroyd

Nice of the government to remind me that the cassoulet needed stirring

Quote post with your own very dramatic (or otherwise) black and white selfie

www.theguardian.com/music/2025/s... I don't think I'll be buying The Smiths - I've nowhere to put them all, and mealtimes would be a right palaver.

🎶 🎵You're so vague You probably think this song is about something or other🎵🎶

Man has flag in toilet room

If I sweat any more, I'll have to be reclassified as soup.

This is not Paddington Bear. It's a dog wearing a costume. The dirty, scamming pig.

When you meet that inspirational teacher again, 30 years after leaving school

I thought she'd been kidnapped

Porridge_Minx

Monday

I once read that animals are happier when they have to fight for their food, so I've given my cat a pot noodle and a catapult.

I'm just glad the age verification software didn't make me cut off a limb and count the rings.

Had to miss my weekly Masturbators Anonymous meeting. I phoned and told them that I wouldn't be coming as I hadn't been feeling myself recently

My fantastic four

Warm

No: The Captain was the monster, Birdseye was the name of the scientist.

The Television We Needed: A Blue Peter spin off, where the three presenters morph into domestic pets to fight crime.

'You can't stick that up in our town!' Unsightly erections etc...

CASHIER "Thank you. Here's your change, and your receipt. Enjoy!" Me. "It's cat food..."