My favourite Irish reggae singer’s probably Pat O’Banton.

I just did the international sign for ‘Can I have the bill please?’ and the waiter brought me a stylophone.

Wow.

Do you think?

Oops, just realised, I've been writing in brackets since June).

Oops upside your head, say oops upside your head.

I thought my wife was joking when she told me she wanted to go to a Monkees' concert in Switzerland. Then I saw her face, now I'm in Geneva.

If I won a million pounds the first thing I'd do is put a layer of caramel and chocolate on my shortbread.

I've just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa. All these years I've been laughing when my wife walked down it.

Here we see the Seal Bar, nervously looking around, ever mindful of it's natural chocolate bar predator, The Club.

Here we see the Seal Bar, nervously looking around, ever mindful of it's natural chocolate bar predator, The Club.

It’s Squirrel Appreciation Day. I have a squirrel joke: Why did the squirrel sleep on the floor? Because he forgot about drey.

I’m reading Elvis Costello’s diary.

I’m reading Elvis Costello’s diary.

I once had a girl, or should I say, she once had me... - Oedipus.

… Le Freak, c'est Chic.

… Le Freak, c'est Chic.

This is my favourite version of this. Tim Buckley on The Monkees. youtu.be/vaa22ULitds?...

That time an imposter gatecrashed a Man Utd team photo is very similar to what the eclair’s doing on the Heroes lid.

Grandmaster Flash is swimming in that bear costume again. He's like a Bungle sometimes, it makes me wonder how he keeps from going under.

The Ineluctable Weight of Living.

Windmill Wanker & Friends.

No rappers in the New Year Honours list again. It makes Sir Mix-A-Lot's achievement all the more impressive, doesn't it?

- Emergency services. - Have you got any chairs?

On the first day of Christmas, My true love sent to me…

Boom. Fuck you pal. I AM Christmas.

It’s Christmas Eve!

On the first day of Christmas, My true love sent to me…

I've written a musical called Fish. It's very similar to Cats, although Memory's a lot shorter.

The chocolate’s alright, but I don’t like the design of Tony's Chocolonely bars at all. I just tried to break a square off and… oh it’s just daft, bits everywhere.

I love this Sketch. youtu.be/f17lIpfke8g?...

Lofty from Eastenders sings Dylan?? youtu.be/LRCBQTY47zY?...

My worst Christmas was 1978. Because of a spelling mistake on my letter to Santa, I had to spend the entire day with an Acton man.

I've almost finished my nativity scene. I just need a big cigar for the one on a scooter beeping his hooter.

I run a 90s dance night down our local club. We have a strict ‘No festive tunes’ policy. At Christmas time, we let in Deee-Lite, and we banish Slade.

Ph tog aphs of a N rm n Co lie y?

An article I wrote about Christmas Crackers has been nominated for a Pulitzer Prize.

Matthew 19:26

Sick to death of toddler gangs hanging around our back alley.

RA RA RASPBERRY TIN, A TIN THAT’S GOT SOME RASPBERRIES IN.

I suppose it would make it harder to run around.

Best drinking it straight from the can, if you put it in glasses it's unrecognisable.

Give it a fucking rest mate, I’m on nights.

The Two Rennies.

This is on ITVX. Superb telly.

He must’ve been in a car crash.

That just said Spring Water when I was in here earlier.

That just said Spring Water when I was in here earlier.

Frank Sidebottom, Paul Ryder, David Soul covering The Fall. What’s not to like? youtu.be/NiduNJG-Ltk?...

Just cutting an article out of Kerrang! with some rock paper scissors.