West Side Story really went downhill after the Jets jumped the Sharks.

- I’m going into town today to look for a football shirt, you know that white one with a red diagonal stripe? - Peru’s - Have a look, yeah.

No Nope Not yet Nearly Just a tiny bit more BURNT! #ToastedTeacake

I wouldn’t eat the snacks outside the toilets at The Crucible… a small percentage of the snooker loo peanuts are wee.

- I’m going into town today to look for a football shirt, you know that white one with a red diagonal stripe? - Peru’s - Have a look, yeah.

Who’s your favourite Beatle: Jack Douglas, Charles Bronson, Rodney Bewes, or Richard O’Sullivan?

Who’s your favourite Beatle: Jack Douglas, Charles Bronson, Rodney Bewes, or Richard O’Sullivan?

I’ve got a hole in my pocket. No change there then.

I’m at a car place, I need a new battery. I drove into a bay and popped my bonnet. The mechanic smiled, took my keys, then went and opened the boot, where my battery is.

Hot-cross buns! Hot-cross buns! One a penny, two a penny, Hot-cross buns! - I’ll have two then please.

When you stub your toe half way through dictating a quote for a van

My mate used to row for Cambridge, he was in the debating society.

I just spent too long reading the comments under a sport related post on Facebook. Aside from the whole tiresome ‘banter’ thing, and the overuse of cry laugh emojis… a LOT of people can’t spell losing.

I wonder who they got to play Pliers?

It’s a good time to be posting puns about pensioners. They’re older age right now.

Flapjack (n) A speculum.

Holly came from Miami, F-L-A… I love it when Titchmarsh does his song.

I always end postcards with: P.S. Are you still planning to kill your Postman?

My wife and I are trying for a baby. Adults find us annoying as well.

You can see the family resemblance.

Rosie’s enjoyed Crufts today.

Charles Dickens would contradict himself at the best of times.

Crufts is on! #COYD

- What do you think of it so far? - Ruggish!

World book day today. My son’s gone as Hagrid. He’s supposed to be the man from The Joy of Sex books, but his teacher called him Hagrid so…

- I bought my wife an electric guitar for her birthday. - A fender? - A bit yeah, she wanted a necklace.

There was no other apparatus free at the gym so I went on that Stair Master thing. Such Sisyphean torture. What a horrible experience, they may as well have a slice of cake on string hanging just out of reach above it.

My favourite Irish reggae singer’s probably Pat O’Banton.

I just did the international sign for ‘Can I have the bill please?’ and the waiter brought me a stylophone.

Wow.

Do you think?

Oops, just realised, I've been writing in brackets since June).

Oops upside your head, say oops upside your head.

I thought my wife was joking when she told me she wanted to go to a Monkees' concert in Switzerland. Then I saw her face, now I'm in Geneva.

If I won a million pounds the first thing I'd do is put a layer of caramel and chocolate on my shortbread.

I've just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa. All these years I've been laughing when my wife walked down it.

Here we see the Seal Bar, nervously looking around, ever mindful of it's natural chocolate bar predator, The Club.

Here we see the Seal Bar, nervously looking around, ever mindful of it's natural chocolate bar predator, The Club.

It’s Squirrel Appreciation Day. I have a squirrel joke: Why did the squirrel sleep on the floor? Because he forgot about drey.

I’m reading Elvis Costello’s diary.

I’m reading Elvis Costello’s diary.

I once had a girl, or should I say, she once had me... - Oedipus.

… Le Freak, c'est Chic.

… Le Freak, c'est Chic.

This is my favourite version of this. Tim Buckley on The Monkees. youtu.be/vaa22ULitds?...

That time an imposter gatecrashed a Man Utd team photo is very similar to what the eclair’s doing on the Heroes lid.

Grandmaster Flash is swimming in that bear costume again. He's like a Bungle sometimes, it makes me wonder how he keeps from going under.

The Ineluctable Weight of Living.

Windmill Wanker & Friends.

No rappers in the New Year Honours list again. It makes Sir Mix-A-Lot's achievement all the more impressive, doesn't it?