Actually Stevie it’s Mister, not Misstra… this is exactly the sort of thing you're singing about isn't it?

Have you ever noticed that your car screen wash holds a bit less than 5 litres so you end up with some left in your ready mixed bottle that you don’t want to throw out and lives in your boot for ages just sliding around? Bit of observational comedy there that probably only happens to me.

I’ve just been watching Tip Toe. Here’s Alan Cumming.

I went to school with Angus Young. He hasn't changed.

I bumped into an old school friend in the antique shop, he was buying a globe for his wife. It’s a small world.

Because it just popped up on one of my playlists, it’s daft, it’s short, and it made me smile. youtu.be/xWqTo-5l3nk?...

Obviously before he joined Take That.

Obviously before he joined Take That.

Gilet, the vest a man can get.

It’s World Otter Day today, although I thought it was otter yesterday. *Adjusts spectacles*

🎶Round the Ole Oak Tree…🎶

🎶Round the Ole Oak Tree…🎶

- This advertisement for Scottish Viagra’s full of typos. I’ll have make some adjustments. - Wee corrections? - Not at all, it’s pretty good stuff.

I'm awaiting delivery of a new copy of Lady Chatterley's Lover, by DHL.

Unfortunately, due to a clerical error, all the money we raised was used to purchase a blind dog for the guides.

My wife and daughter had a little heated exchange over tea. In the awkward silence that followed my son looked up from his food and asked me “How long do you think it’d take to find a perfectly straight Wotsit?”.

Miley Cyrus is my favourite pop star who sounds like a Dickens Character when their name’s reversed.

That really isn’t what camouflage is for.

That really isn’t what camouflage is for.

My hoover’s got three suction settings on it, which is good, because sometimes I don’t want to clean the floor very well.

I’m reading Elvis Costello’s diary.

My Grandad was highly decorated in World War Two… in fact, many people believe it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot.

Had a few of these. The beer’s ok, but their shots are terrible.

Had a few of these. The beer’s ok, but their shots are terrible.

Er… this one from Bernard 16: Milk Milk Lemonade, around the corner chocolate’s made.

My favourite part of the St George story is when he records Young Guns (Go For It!) with St Andrew.

Shakespeare and Anne Hathaway, a plaque on both your houses.

West Side Story really went downhill after the Jets jumped the Sharks.

- I’m going into town today to look for a football shirt, you know that white one with a red diagonal stripe? - Peru’s - Have a look, yeah.

No Nope Not yet Nearly Just a tiny bit more BURNT! #ToastedTeacake

I wouldn’t eat the snacks outside the toilets at The Crucible… a small percentage of the snooker loo peanuts are wee.

- I’m going into town today to look for a football shirt, you know that white one with a red diagonal stripe? - Peru’s - Have a look, yeah.

Who’s your favourite Beatle: Jack Douglas, Charles Bronson, Rodney Bewes, or Richard O’Sullivan?

Who’s your favourite Beatle: Jack Douglas, Charles Bronson, Rodney Bewes, or Richard O’Sullivan?

I’ve got a hole in my pocket. No change there then.

I’m at a car place, I need a new battery. I drove into a bay and popped my bonnet. The mechanic smiled, took my keys, then went and opened the boot, where my battery is.

Hot-cross buns! Hot-cross buns! One a penny, two a penny, Hot-cross buns! - I’ll have two then please.

When you stub your toe half way through dictating a quote for a van

My mate used to row for Cambridge, he was in the debating society.

I just spent too long reading the comments under a sport related post on Facebook. Aside from the whole tiresome ‘banter’ thing, and the overuse of cry laugh emojis… a LOT of people can’t spell losing.

I wonder who they got to play Pliers?

It’s a good time to be posting puns about pensioners. They’re older age right now.

Flapjack (n) A speculum.

Holly came from Miami, F-L-A… I love it when Titchmarsh does his song.

I always end postcards with: P.S. Are you still planning to kill your Postman?

My wife and I are trying for a baby. Adults find us annoying as well.

You can see the family resemblance.

Rosie’s enjoyed Crufts today.

Charles Dickens would contradict himself at the best of times.