Grandmaster Flash is swimming in that bear costume again. He's like a Bungle sometimes, it makes me wonder how he keeps from going under.

The Ineluctable Weight of Living.

Windmill Wanker & Friends.

No rappers in the New Year Honours list again. It makes Sir Mix-A-Lot's achievement all the more impressive, doesn't it?

- Emergency services. - Have you got any chairs?

On the first day of Christmas, My true love sent to me…

Boom. Fuck you pal. I AM Christmas.

It’s Christmas Eve!

On the first day of Christmas, My true love sent to me…

I've written a musical called Fish. It's very similar to Cats, although Memory's a lot shorter.

The chocolate’s alright, but I don’t like the design of Tony's Chocolonely bars at all. I just tried to break a square off and… oh it’s just daft, bits everywhere.

I love this Sketch. youtu.be/f17lIpfke8g?...

Lofty from Eastenders sings Dylan?? youtu.be/LRCBQTY47zY?...

My worst Christmas was 1978. Because of a spelling mistake on my letter to Santa, I had to spend the entire day with an Acton man.

I've almost finished my nativity scene. I just need a big cigar for the one on a scooter beeping his hooter.

I run a 90s dance night down our local club. We have a strict ‘No festive tunes’ policy. At Christmas time, we let in Deee-Lite, and we banish Slade.

Ph tog aphs of a N rm n Co lie y?

An article I wrote about Christmas Crackers has been nominated for a Pulitzer Prize.

Matthew 19:26

Sick to death of toddler gangs hanging around our back alley.

RA RA RASPBERRY TIN, A TIN THAT’S GOT SOME RASPBERRIES IN.

I suppose it would make it harder to run around.

Best drinking it straight from the can, if you put it in glasses it's unrecognisable.

Give it a fucking rest mate, I’m on nights.

The Two Rennies.

This is on ITVX. Superb telly.

He must’ve been in a car crash.

That just said Spring Water when I was in here earlier.

That just said Spring Water when I was in here earlier.

Frank Sidebottom, Paul Ryder, David Soul covering The Fall. What’s not to like? youtu.be/NiduNJG-Ltk?...

Just cutting an article out of Kerrang! with some rock paper scissors.

Dogs.

Escorted off the premises. Make up your mind, Lush… Do you want me to try it or not?

It’s actually ‘cooking’, but my friend Olly’s avatar makes this headline so much better.

My wife's weird, last week she said she wouldn't mind if I had a tattoo, today she's complaining about all the bagpipers in the garden.

Suppose I’d better start looking for the end of the sellotape.

My wife's weird, last week she said she wouldn't mind if I had a tattoo, today she's complaining about all the bagpipers in the garden.

Yeah, I gathered that.

They're lovely when they're Jelly Babies, and Jelly Tots, but a Gelatine can be very challenging.

Tonight must be the worst night to get an axe lodged in your head.

I just had a trick or treater dressed as my window cleaner. Very convincing, he kept saying “You owe me for three weeks” and “I don’t want any fucking sweets”. Hilarious!

- What have you come as? - A Werewolf. - But… they're your normal clothes. - It's not a full moon.

I remember when my dad caught me smoking in the garden. As a punishment he made me eat all twenty kippers.

A large percentage of Lancastrian drag acts have a Wigan address.

I often describe my friend as being sarky… but then he is a wry swine.

I just did the international sign for ‘Can I have the bill please?’ and the waiter brought me a stylophone.

Americans spell defence with an S, defense. That’s undefencable.

Early in his career the pop star Prince was a frog… obviously that was before Kiss.

I've just discovered there actually is a staircase behind our sofa. All these years I've been laughing when my wife walked down it.

I just did the international sign for ‘Can I have the bill please?’ and the waiter brought me a stylophone.