My uterus has a rapture every month

Me too!

cured my insomnia by moving my bedtime to 5am

An actual sentence my gps just said: stay on I-70 east for 425 miles.

Today is my 2 year bluesky anniversary! We need pretty numbers to celebrate like on twitter.

#SquirrelSquad #44649 🐿️ These people all joined bluesky at the same minute I did: 👉 skyzoo.blue/stats/notyou... Let's connect differently! 🐾

If you’re not drinking wine and doing cocaine, is it really even Easter?

It's been two and a half years. No wonder I barely remembered the last season of handmaid's tale.

Sagittarius: We're streamlining the zodiac by merging your sign with Capricorn. Sagicorns are patient, adaptable, creative and unlikely to sue us. Enjoy your new star sign!

Not much to say. Lots of changes to navigate soon. Really enjoying Yellowjackets.

Shaka, when the wall street fell

I have now joined my dog in barking every time we see her arch enemy. Solidarity always.

Txt STOP to opt out of updates on war plans

I would really like more explanation of why the innies know certain things and not others. They don't know what the equator is? but he knew how to work a camcorder. if you handed me one of those right now, I wouldn't know what to do with it.

If you’re easily offended then maybe the Internet isn’t for you.

The reason Civ 7 sucks is because they didn't have Luigi around to fix it

Probably bad that the only way to be happy is to not pay attention

ICE has taken the astronauts into custody…

Changed my handle and stuff. If you're terribly confused, you can DM me!

i'm just a girl, standing in front of a girl, who is me from the future, begging her not to murder me for time paradox reasons.

Eating ice cream while waiting for my ozempic to kick in.

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out

Please don’t make me google cloture

OMG #severance tonight …. I need to sever myself from the next seven day and get me straight to the finale.

Now I've seen it all. You can get a DNA test for your cat. shop.kokogenetics.com/en/starter/3...

Excited that Wheel of Time is coming back tomorrow!

The existence of biscuits and Triscuits implies the existence of quadriscuits

Yes! Today Satan.

I’m really only vaguely aware of what time it is generally anyway.

Analogy isn’t the study of bumholes.

It's International Women's Day. Lmk if you need me to explain that to you.

How are you springing forward? 💐 Reply with gif.

I set my clocks ahead weeks ago SO LONG SUCKERS

SpaceX is just Air Tesla

guy in the 1920s putting a "i bought this before he went crazy" sticker on his Model T

we had transsexual mice in the 80s

@profanity.accountant do me!

Mayor of LA: someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my city is dying

My five year plan is just LSD. Lots and lots of LSD.

Giving up my other personalities for Lent

if I’m gonna join a cult it’s gonna have a super hot leader and all you can eat shrimp

If a Spring mix has arugula, spinach, and radicchio, what's in a Wintry mix?

You got her pregnant Charlie Brown.

I didn't feel any earthquake here in Denver.

Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music

Starting Mary & George on Starz. Although I am quite surprised that there isn't a Gene Hackman movie on every channel right now. Most of those I would have turned on.

Bad news, Pepperidge Farms just got diagnosed with Alzheimer's.