When's Kendall Jenner heading over to give Isreal and Palestine a Pepsi?

Being an adult means people stop caring what your favorite dinosaur is.

Mind your P* and Q**s. *Penises **Queefs

you can get through most of life on just “hell yeah brother” and “oof”

My favorite sound of autumn is probably the worms splupling on the sidewalk

No matter what I do, I know that I will never be as interesting as an owl.

Kinda weird how I'm the best thing ever to happen to Bluesky

Guard: Are there any reasons why we shouldn't let you into our heavily fortified post-apocalpytic fortress? Me (recently zombie-bitten, possessed by a demon, has a chestburster behind my sternum and a nascent ebola infection): Not that I know of.

Sorry I'm late, I was seeing juxtaposed multiple realities while being plagued by inexplicable compulsions and phantom sensations again.

I put my shirt on before my pants this morning to throw off the Illuminati.

Anyone else here fueled entirely by rage, or y'all switched to electric yet?

I don't battle my inner demons anymore. We've teamed up instead.

God doesn't care if you drink or swear Mostly because he is pretend

the sexual tension between me and this tube of chap stick tho

Going to the doctor's office again to rip out free cologne samples out of the magazines

Phantom limb but it's a nose hair

Ok I’m gonna be super serious on this website. No silly goosery, no Tom foolerisms, no high jinks. Strictly low jinks

*tries on a gas mask* Me: Shit, I don't look anything like a gas.

Will I understand F-35 without seeing F-1 thru F-34?

People talk shit about what we millennials name their kids when they're literally guys out there named Guy.

[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off, this man needs help

You're laughing? There's a jet up there lost, confused, and alone, and you're laughing?

Sperm whales reproduce by swimming to egg whales, that's just science

It's really important that the middle-lower class continue to eat rising taxes so that we can afford to sacrifice $80mil jets to the Gods of the Forest

Who among us has not lost a ninety million dollar aircraft in the deep woods.

Finally giving up on pretending I know how literally anything in the world works is very freeing.

I see tornados as an opportunity to donate unwanted items to the sky.

Joke's on you, Sleep Paralysis Demon. I didn't want to get out of bed anyway.

Is it cognitive dissonance for vegans when they realize that they’re made of meat?

The British call candy sprinkles “hundreds and thousands” and they call black pepper grains “millions and billions” and they call atomic particles “reginaldpiepeepers and badonkabingbongs”

When's it going to be mildly-attractive, grouchy, middle-aged loser on the Internet day? Asking for me.

Dogs really walking around in landscape mode when the rest of us switched to portrait

If you say 'delish' someone should be legally allowed to beat the last syllable out of you.

Fuck, this week is dragging.

LAST ONE INTO THE LAKE OF ETERNAL HELLFIRE, SADNESS AND DAMNATION IS A ROTTEN EGG.

Nobody: Me: "I hope alternate timeline me is out there being a real slut."

cicada: *screaming and then climbing out of its skin* me: mood.

I respect boundaries by setting even larger boundaries around those boundaries.