The public: "We are desperate for help with the cost of living. Please do something." Trump administration: "Penis."

I will continue to mention and congratulate my friends on their baby's length long after it is born

It's disorienting living in the Wile E. Coyote portion of a country's life cycle. We ran off the cliff but haven't plummeted down yet. We're just now starting to hold up the big YIKES sign

If you take the scenic route, any accidents you cause due to distracted driving are waived

Not at all picky about men, I just insist he have all his hair and a bunch of somebody else's.

Egg and bacon ravioli in a gravy sauce, as soon as possible please

Me, slowly digesting you in my cavernous maw: So, do you come to this acid bath often?

The first twenty tapiocas are the hardest

I don't know what's up but you all use waaay too much punctuation, I can't even fathom why you think it is necessary or helpful *Cleans my laptop screen* You're all doing much better now and I'm proud of you

I guess it's fitting that it's a reimagined, worse version of someone else's artwork

MAGAZINER: How many veterans have you deported? NOEM: We haven't deported veterans MAGAZINER: We are now joined on Zoom by a combat veteran you deported to Korea

i stand by this statement every year

If a waterfall isn't overflowing is it a waterfall?

This is the second time I have photographed one of my favorite Mycena species - this one is found on leaves and has regular water droplets along the stem for a reason which remains a mystery to me. From the Chocó Andino region of Ecuador. #mycology #fungi #mycena #fungifriends

Hey I just mashed you and this is gravy

2nd amendment case from this one gonna be wild

So you don't like AI but it also can't believe our fractured reality, so who's smart now? What's that? It very literally can't believe anything?

Well, I took a bath but I still seem to be "tired", as your scientists call it

Two best bluesky features are how when you retweet something and one of your followers weighs in the app doesn't tattle on you, and how when you block somebody two soldiers show up at your front door with a folded American flag.

Remembering when I was very little and hearing about Mennonites living separate from the rest of society, and mishearing it as "men, and knights" and thinking they must be having the best fucking time over there

Pouring one out for the homies (dropping an excedrin under the fridge)

Baby, It’s Cold Outside, Extremely Depressing Inside, and Emotionally Exhausting Beyond Repair Everywhere Else

I don't know what's up but you all use waaay too much punctuation, I can't even fathom why you think it is necessary or helpful *Cleans my laptop screen* You're all doing much better now and I'm proud of you

me: *googling symptoms* webmd: you’re being murdered murderer: see i told you

Carol of the Bells, Dave of the Tinnitus

Santa Tweet! Santa Tweet!

One of the things about trust is that it is efficient. It saves you having to invest a lot of time and effort in verification, and if placed in the right places, saves you a lot of pain. "The diseases will do the education" is what we get when we don't trust.

A+ headline work from the AP apnews.com/article/dona...

I've been hiding in the closet since my family got here and pointed out I ham-fried the turkey and turkey-roasted the ham

Do artists who perform with Eminem have to make sure he's on certain drugs so that he can stop thinking about gay sex for 30 minutes? Because I don't think his homophobia meshes with most artists but from his albums it's obvious that 4 minutes not picturing a dick going in a man's ass is a rarity

My niece is drawing everyone's picture, one by one revealing our deepest insecurities like a she's in a Stephen King book

The myth of that a bunch of young hackers can solve any problem was debunked by DOGE. But the larger moral stain is that this was a heist. Cost saving was a cover story to shutdown investigations into Elon’s companies, steal government data and engage in genocide by proxy via killing USAID.

purchased a fucked up bosc pear from Mglyeringhyiinmnnaah, the Vermiculated Grocer. look at this thing. cant figure out how to post a pic. it looks scary

When missionaries come around try to use agreeing phrases like "sure, why the hell not" and "that sounds like one hell of a good time"

Medical Student Practices Fat Shaming On Cadaver https://theonion.com/medical-student-practices-fat-shaming-on-cadaver/

Don't wait until New Years. You can fail to make major changes in your life any time.

A powerful white man who was born famous? Real head-scratcher here

A powerful white man who was born famous? Real head-scratcher here

Eating the same damn lunch every day like Prometheus’ bird.

I'm tired of being the bigger person. Just once, I want to be the smaller person, tiny enough to be carried around in someone's pocket, shouting petty retorts.

ok computer give papa his dopamine

My houseplant told me I've been overwatering it. This is especially hurtful because I'm the one who had to remind it that it's plastic.

My most firmly held political belief is that it should be illegal to refer to wet wipes as "flushable" considering the havoc they wreak on our sewer systems. It is entirely coincidental that Marxist-Leninism is the only way to achieve this.

this man really decorated before his crush came over lmfao