To help save the bees I tried to teach them to pollinate corals, no part of this worked

To help save the bees I tried to teach them to pollinate corals, no part of this worked

(Woody Allen eating a Da Bomb wing on Hot Ones) WOODY: Boy, that's like dating your first Gentile girl, there's a real sting to it. Wowee, that's hotter than a New York cab in August. Havin' flop sweat like after the Curse of the Jade Scorpion premiere. SEAN: Was it weird marrying your daughter?

"Snitches get stitches," I say, looking in a mirror and cutting myself with a razor* because I know what I did. *Gillette

I am not a morning person, I am a lurking creature of the fathomless midday.

You don't need Love You can Put lotion on Your legs With Your own Feet (kind of)

I think I've finally settled on my rap name, A Parisian but All Their Lyrics Are in English

I think I've finally settled on my rap name, A Parisian but All Their Lyrics Are in English

the democrats are right we should focus on kitchen table issues. for example there is a guy at my kitchen table who wants to shoot me in the face with a gun

You know who I bet is very good at deciding how much alcohol is ok for me? Me after a few drinks! Tomorrow's on you, buddy 🍻

they should invent a coffee to have before bedtime

Hey people who have followed FIFA for their whole lives, what is the fatal flaw at the heart of this?

I'm allergic to cats but still celebrate this holy day

Note from HR: Our lion tamer reports increased job satisfaction since we eliminated the lion agitator position from payroll.

I can't be the only person who pronounces psychic like chic, right?

You should be embarrassed to be a member of congress and issuing anything other than impeachment resolutions. You're in the model UN. They should give you legos and a propeller hat

Gonna get high and repeatedly explain things that I already understand to myself in my head

does this count ar Girl Dinner™️

There must be more direct ways to get blocked than repeatedly following and unfollowing but chase your truth I guess

There must be more direct ways to get blocked than repeatedly following and unfollowing but chase your truth I guess

at the home improvement store trying to figure out why everyone else is there at 8:15 on December 26. maybe their kitchen sink shutoff valve won’t stop leaking too. maybe they can help me

My lungs are so very tired. I need a noise box that does my endless shrieking for me.

I wish to unsubscribe from your mailing list because I've come to the realization that the love I once felt for litter boxes is now but a distant memory, fading like an echo in the wind

If you live in a home with 5 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms and you are not either a meth chef or a poop scientist, I am not sure I have anything to say to you.

You potty train your child, I buy my child a potty train. We are not the same

Pulling up to a garden center with a large trailer in tow to get 2 cubic yards of lawn flamingos

Pulling up to a garden center with a large trailer in tow to get 2 cubic yards of lawn flamingos

why did they redact this

The public: "We are desperate for help with the cost of living. Please do something." Trump administration: "Penis."

I will continue to mention and congratulate my friends on their baby's length long after it is born

It's disorienting living in the Wile E. Coyote portion of a country's life cycle. We ran off the cliff but haven't plummeted down yet. We're just now starting to hold up the big YIKES sign

If you take the scenic route, any accidents you cause due to distracted driving are waived

Not at all picky about men, I just insist he have all his hair and a bunch of somebody else's.

Egg and bacon ravioli in a gravy sauce, as soon as possible please

Me, slowly digesting you in my cavernous maw: So, do you come to this acid bath often?

The first twenty tapiocas are the hardest

I don't know what's up but you all use waaay too much punctuation, I can't even fathom why you think it is necessary or helpful *Cleans my laptop screen* You're all doing much better now and I'm proud of you

I guess it's fitting that it's a reimagined, worse version of someone else's artwork

MAGAZINER: How many veterans have you deported? NOEM: We haven't deported veterans MAGAZINER: We are now joined on Zoom by a combat veteran you deported to Korea

i stand by this statement every year

If a waterfall isn't overflowing is it a waterfall?

This is the second time I have photographed one of my favorite Mycena species - this one is found on leaves and has regular water droplets along the stem for a reason which remains a mystery to me. From the Chocó Andino region of Ecuador. #mycology #fungi #mycena #fungifriends

Hey I just mashed you and this is gravy

2nd amendment case from this one gonna be wild

So you don't like AI but it also can't believe our fractured reality, so who's smart now? What's that? It very literally can't believe anything?