You fool, I’ve already won

hello, i made this bot. i am a trans autistic anti-fascist. you are following a work of trans autistic anti-fascist art. that is why it is screaming

Im a bitch Im a lover Lethal weapon Danny Glover

That's a rough nickname

did he tell his tailor "Catholic vestments, but make them Jewish"?

What it sounds like when philosophers who are also anti-trans activists submit an amicus brief to a US court where they argue for banning trans girls and women from women's sports.

whenever we rewrite the laws after all this, i feel like some of them could include locking congress in the capitol in seclusion like a papal conclave until they resolve certain things just spitballin

Stolen from an Animorphs Facebook group.

Happy one year anniversary to this banger tweet that got so ridiculously blown out of proportion that it got us 70k wishlists in like a day

Twice today I was behind a car with Florida plates with a terrible font, but if I tried to find an image to show you, I only found plates with a more standard font. The amount of time I have spent on this is unreasonable. Anyway, two official fonts, you’ll be able to guess which one I hate.

French President walking to the UN but unable to get there because of Trump's motorcade seems like an apt metaphor for America's role now on the world stage

Me waking up every day and reading the news.

It's a very disrespectful day to play "Let the Bodies Hit The Floor"

Reverse Rapture where all the hateful, racist, and predatory people just get teleported straight to Hell.

Whelp, I have determined once and for all that it’s not feasible for us to see the new Kavalier & Clay opera at the Met, unless we want to pull the kid out of school early, pay $1200 for train tickets, and get home around 6 the next morning. Still considered it tho

Started a new box of checks. Comes with a 2004 calendar. I have two more boxes after this one.

Also only a subset of Rapture-believers think you can predict the day of the Rapture anyway. I think even most evangelicals regard that kind of thing as problematic. Having said that, I saved this newspaper ad from 1991

Fun fact, a “cupa” is a barrel in Latin. People who made a cupa later became coopers. I like to tell this to everyone Cooper I meet whether they want to hear my etymology or not.

the rapture is in beta testing right now so you’ll need an invite code from someone who’s already there

A Handy Guide [1/4]

Mafia boss wants me to get rid of a Gen Z snitch. I drive him out to the Las Vegas desert at gunpoint but he refuses to dig his own grave. The kids don't want to work!

this is brilliant, much to consider here

No, I'M an honest person; it's snack packaging with "share size" on it that MAKES me a liar and that's not my fault

the rapture isn’t happening tomorrow but we can still have a little fun and pretend our christian coworkers don’t exist

once again, if tylenol caused autism, america would have a better rail system

Too late, Batman. Once this Tylenol floods the city's water supply, my wiki won't run out of editors ever again

Just imagining people ping-ponging off their ceilings and walls like a fly trying to get outside.

I have taken the Tylenol that was in the medicine cabinet and which they think probably is the reason you like trains forgive me but that’s bullshit you got autism from your dad

tylenol is fine and all but have pregnant women and infants considered taking laudanum?

brass sections improve literally every genre

A good a day as any to watch and share this: youtu.be/8BIcAZxFfrc?...

my mom took tylenol when she was pregnant, which made me super focused on menswear and now i have a million followers on twitter

my favorite step in the scientific method: gossip

Today, the president of the United States of America said that the country's current pediatric vaccine schedule was "too much liquid... going into that baby" and then issued a decree announcing that anti-fascism is terrorism

Rapture predictions never account for the international date line

lol rfk making the face of a man who just gave the president 10 pages of perfectly crafted pseudoscience bullet points making it sound like there are real medical studies that support his fever dream theories and instead gets a rant from a guy who has clearly never seen how much babies pee

But does Tylenol PM cause Night Autism?

have we considered putting whoever taught us all to stomp on lantern flies in charge of messaging? Based on all the stomped bugs I am seeing they did an excellent job

I know antifa isn't a real organization because I don't get 40 texts a week from them asking for donations.

One of my favorite fun facts is why the TMNT are named after artists (it’s because the type of turtle they are is a “painted turtle”). I told my nephew about this and he immediately replied that there should be a Bob Ross turtle. So rather than explain the renaissance movement to him, I-

Ok now I need a sitcom called 'Too Many Viziers' where a bunch of flamboyant Viziers and one dementia-riddled monarch all live in one palace and the viziers are all trying to off each other but their skullduggery goes wrong in comical ways and every episode ends with their schemes thwarted by chance

TRUMP: I don't know how to tell you this, but... TRUMP: a-see-tam-nuh-fin TRUMP: uh… a-set-uh-miffin TRUMP: a-set-uh-muh… TRUMP: acetaminophen

it should not surprise you that there is literally not a single country that summarily executes people for illegal entry

this is the solution to the male loneliness epidemic I am 100% serious

Shana tova, bitches

“Being an engineer with rigid expectations about how the dishwasher is loaded”

Getting raptured on Bi Visibility Day is so appropriately dramatic.

RFK ANNOUNCES AUTISM NOW LINKED TO Leaving the fridge door open Seedless/“Mutant” watermelon Babies conceived in the daylight hours when God’s awake Squeezable yogurt tech for kids Criticizing the regime Letting a bird’s shadow touch you A rogue lab in Senegal All crypto except RFKoin, now live!!!

So you're telling me the court isn't letting the Trump administration break wind?

Very glad to once again be personally choosing not to watch Jimmy Kimmel Live instead of the government forcing that decision on me