watching the Iron Bowl every year

one thing i love about college football is that you can locate the least consequential game of the day, between two schools you barely knew existed, and there will be grown men on television in the stands ready to kill themselves if it goes the wrong way

It occurs to me that from sometime in the GHWB era on I have strictly avoided listening to GOP presidents (and presidential candidates, mostly) because the sound of their voices immediately (and unproductively) infuriates me. Looking at them is fine. That's kind of fascinating!

.bmp ass artwork

People joke about Fansville but people forget that it's a trans sanctuary city

To heal our divided nation I propose splitting Game of the Year awards into two categories: - Game of the Year That’s 3D and You Use a Sword and/or Gun to Explode a Guy - Game of the Year That’s Some Gay Bullshit Indie Meditation on Grief or Whatever

I don’t know if anyone else notices or cares, but when I see a presentation in which the speaker uses obviously generated-AI images to illustrate their slides, it makes me immediately less confident in whatever other content they’re presenting.

Audience culture is the worst it's ever been, I swear to god. People forgot how to act. I'm at the theater, trying to enjoy my show, which I've paid GOOD MONEY for, and these two old assholes are in the balcony heckling the life out of the poor bear onstage. Not letting him finish a single joke.

having exactly (1) day out of the year where every amateur chef in America attempts to cook a giant bird and not fuck it up is, honestly, a wonderful and hilarious tradition

I’m being hunted by phantoms. They’re very close. But I think I’ve worked out a plan to escape them. I’ll simply use my magic ring, which sends me into the phantom dimension, where phantoms are from, and where I’ll only be visible by people who have phantom vision, such as phantoms

RIP to your mom

If people want to understand why American politics went bananas in 2012, the reason is that the moderate black President took a modest but consequential step toward decoupling healthcare from employment and every billionaire immediately poured their entire portfolio into race-hate media

can't believe this ancient mesopotamia shoe wearing ass said people need to dress up at the airport

A healthcare system where we hope someone wants our autograph

fuck

Every American should have this in their wallet:

narrator: 50 years ago... me: [nods] in 1945 narrator: in 1975... me: what

[P] "still rude! still rude!!", i continue to insist as i slowly shrink and transform into a corn cob

when u download bluesky

“the pharaoh’s tomb is cursed! the necromancer’s ring is cursed! the witch’s grimoire is cursed!” that’s how you sound. everything is fucking cursed with you bro. i don’t care. i’m taking this skull.

No one at the rap battle will wait for me to type my prompts

Wait, hold on a minute... THERE we go.

maybe i am going insane

When will Bluesky finally say something negative about HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.? Bradley P. Moss, Esq. is waiting.

my beloved girlfriend has an inexplicable attraction to grotesque, almost supernaturally weird old men. guys who look like the adults from a roald dahl story. fellas who act like they were perhaps recently animals turned human through some unnatural bargain with the fey. not me though

(spending 9 billion dollars to make a robot say "i have always loved you") hard times create strong men

Nick Swisher RF-1B-LF-CF-DH Debut: 2004 - Retired: 2015 NYY - ATL - OAK - CHW - CLE

me viewing a pornograph: ah! excellent. this pornograph will allow me to achieve gratification me after achieving gratification: get thee hence, pornograph, for I wish nothing to do with thee, and indeed never shall

Asked for "Swan Boy but make it 90s bootleg Bart" & this is what I got. Can't recommend enough, 5 popcorn bags 🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿

got my ass tbh

Hold up the dots are real people?!?!??

*plucking flower pedals* it's so over, we're so back, it's so over, we're so back, it's so over FUCK

Important.

Flying Squirrel Loves It Every Time

This would be GREAT for housing affordability. Zohran keeping his promises.

Jake Tapper would have driven to the White House with a gun if Biden had said this

Most people hear "factory jobs" and think "1950s economic prosperity," which was only possible through strong unions. The GOP says "factory jobs" and means "1880s corporate dominance over the working class." Recognize the difference.

for sale: one spider detection system, slightly used, works good but can’t turn off alarm once spider has been detected

Rest now, brother. We have the watch. And I will see you in Valhalla. 🫡

“Oh poor people can buy popsicles with food stamps” shut the fuck up the government gives perverts a trillion dollars in government money each year for pervert factories for billionaires the fucking popsicles are none of your fuckin business

I don't need to use chatGPT because as a cis white man, I already say things with 100% confidence and 60% accuracy

[guy who’s only seen Zardoz watching a second Sean Connery movie]: “uh, gotta be honest, not really getting any Zardoz vibes from this at all”

I think everybody has a “Wallace Shawn from Young Sheldon” — my first one would probably be “Vincent Price, the guy who did the voice of Ratigan in The Great Mouse Detective”