Man Spread™. It's made of man but nice on toast.

Draw a line in the sand. Draw another one. And another one. Okay one more. Now I you've got tic tac toe and oh my god the lines are filled with blood. I don't understand why you are so mad at this beach.

Didn't think so many people would be dying on the posthumous defending of fascists, transphobes and misogynists hill that even my 91 year old grandmother with emphysema could get over.

I’m forgetting what you did last summer ooh hang on don’t tell me

Pro tip: when making a beanbag chair, the choice of beans is crucial. Do not use green beans.

Every Labour Day the neighbourhood sparrows take a bath…

We don’t sell hot dogs. We only rent them.

Nurse: What about your depression? Me: Jiffy Lube said I could still drive on it

Every day I wake up with my boobs naturally sitting higher than my elbow is a win.

More like...like ewww.

The exit is your fixation

Does anyone want a cursed amulet? I stole four.

As a Bluesky ambassador, I decided to swing through Hawaii on my way back east from Omaha.

[crime scene] Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found. Praying Mantis: *burps* I found him like that. I swear. Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

Elon Musk has his engineers build an exoskeleton for a frail Trump so he won't be seen using a wheelchair. The hydraulics are 10x more powerful than they need to be and Musk does the coding himself to ensure it's perfect. It crushes Trump into a meat & bone pretzel 10 seconds after he's strapped in.

The pain of high fashion

You just know he still cheats when playing golf with his grandchildren.

In our arrogance at having overcome the odds, like Tantalus we fed our children to the gods.

★★★★☆ Excellent customer service.

Drunk Book Club you say?

I think she's right. My kind of reverending is obsolete.

You can't compete with a religious conservative uprising.

The Menaces are talking about hosting weekly exorcisms and stonings. I'm not sure if Naked Twister and Drunk Book Club can compete with that.

I spent three years being raised by a motorcycle gang before my mom realized I was gone. When I went back home, I gave her five pounds of stolen Juicy Fruit, and all was forgiven.

Sometimes I just like and reskeet bc who am I to judge

Baby don’t bend a knee for me Lift me up On your shoulders Or to reach the moon Whatevs

The Lady and the Tramp kiss but with manicotti

decided to take the form of a grasshopper and stop pretending I have this life thing sorted out

you ask me to help you in a crisis situation when you have witnessed me panic, on repeated occasions, because I could not find my peppermint chapstick?

If you drill 6 holes in a hot dog you can play it like a flute. You shouldn't, though.

If you don't like your nickname you can just ask for a new one but then they will call you just asks for a new one. I would stick with "it could be worse says what" since you do tend to say what after that classic rhetorical pessimism gag

You know, that sounds true because it reinforces my ideas about the honesty of some noises and the milli vanilli of others

Neither shitposter nor hitposter but a secret absurd thing (fortune pierogi)

They should invent a dish towel that dries the dishes

Not many people know this but Einstein wrote the whole definition of insanity thing during one of his frequent bouts of buldak noodle sweats

I had so many uncles growing up, but Mom would never let them play with me.

I’m slowly building a smaller, crappier hell without elevators. Instead, to get around you have to look up at everyone who’s having fun without you and stare intensely at them until the moon starts talking.

CHESS EXCEPT THE PIECES ARE RAINBOW COLORED AND WHISPER DIRE SECRETS ABOUT THE PLAYERS, WHICH YOU CAN OVERHEAR IF YOU KNOW HOW TO SEE.

This day in history. 1995. Canadian rodeo champion and cowboy painter Earl W Bascom died while trying to capture on canvas, from too close in as it turned out, the indignant gaze of the Rocky Mountain cave rabbit.

him: I’m don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation rookie astronaut: *opening a family size bag of M&M’s on his first night aboard the ISS* huh?

If Mr is pronounced Mister then Dr should be pronounced Dister. Wife: It's too early for your shit.

whoever named them missiles wasn't very optimistic

The biggest tool of the undersea kingdom is the hammerhead shark.