If I were an action hero, this is what I’d say to the bad guy before the kill shot.

hope you brought urine!

This is somehow worse than Skynet

GREG DAVIES: seems like a kind of a shit task. Everyone just seems like they're going home normally. ALEX HORNE: well before you say that let's have a look at how Odysseus did. cut to panel of AJAX, MENELAUS, AGAMEMNON, and DIOMEDES who are all staring at ODYSSEUS with his head in his hands

Today’s Spelling Bee brought to you by Cajun Man.

will they write an equivalent "James Talarico attacked Ken Paxton for releasing a child rapist, putting release of pedophiles front and center in the race" piece or do they only amplify GOP attacks for some reason?

Look, plantar fascitis sucks but I think this guy has bigger issues going on

(Inventing the Slinky) Perfect children’s toy. Now all it needs is a name. Maybe something that evokes a dress worn by a femme fatale.

Dingoes Ate My Baby has been... *added* to the Freedom 250 concert? Argh. Of course Oz got manosphere-pilled and now spends his days making TikToks about lesbian witches stealing your testosterone

CONFIRMED: The Wonka Scotland Oompa Loompa girl has formerly withdrawn from President Trump's America 250 concert.

Hey, he doesn’t come down to where *you* work and knock Elon’s dick out of your wife’s mouth

Running walked so walking could run

In his keynote speech to Harvard graduates this week, @thedailyshow.com host Ronny Chieng said "Fuck AI!" Turns out you can talk about AI in a grad speech and not get booed. Watch our episode on these AI grad speeches: www.youtube.com/watch?v=VE0E...

People on the right went wild over James Talarico saying that God is beyond gender, saying god is nonbinary or w/e. It reminded me of the time Charlie Kirk got backed into a corner by this college kid.

I’m an old fashioned kind of guy. If you want my vote, you have to earn it — and that means sending me a LOT of glossy pieces of paper in the mail. Like a lot a lot. Make my foundation start to sink into the ground and then we’ll talk.

James Carville voice: well uh see what Talarico uh needs to do now is to hassle a trans kid while uh brandishin‘ a crucifix uh while tearin‘ into a raw steak. You know, play to to the sensible center that’s tired of all the non-brandishin‘ of crucifixes and namby-pamby cookin‘ of meats

Ok this is a truly great tweet

🎶 Well, the word got around, they said, "This kid is insane, man" Took up a collection just to send him to the mainland "Get your education, don't forget from whence you came, and The world's gonna know your name, what's your name, man?"

As Jabba the Hutt's son I'm often gatekept from progressive spaces due to preconceived notions about my family. At the same time, I acknowledge the reasonable concerns my presence would raise, and I'm working every day to unlearn the harmful attitudes instilled in me on my father's pleasure barge.

Not only was Steyer's answer on this really good, it's appalling how BAD Becerra's answer is. He immediately rolls over then tries insulting the reporter's intelligence.

The fact that it is the year of our Lord Two thousand and twenty six and I am being forced to think about Spencer Pratt is honestly a violation of my human rights.

I’m on the Metro-North and there are two people with long-haired dachshunds in bags 10 feet away from each other and the two dogs are clearly aware of each others presence but the owners are not

The line “Play it again, Sam” is never spoken in Casablanca. Also, the words “The Matrix” are never spoken in The Matrix. What Morpheus actually says is, “Time to jump into the computer-y place.”

there's a really simple solve for this: just stop going to the drafthouse. "but we want them to do better and we love how great they used to be!" threatening to avoid them isn't the answer. they aren't going to change unless they actually lose a shitload of business. just don't go.

would be funny if Iran was like "sorry, we can't negotiate this weekend. we've got a wedding to go to"

i was visiting a neighborhood bar in boston when a roving gang of elite college professors strode in acting like they owned the place. they saw me ordering a domestic lager and shouted "this motherfucker's not chasing novel gustatory experiences!" and started beating me with heavy wooden rulers

How does it keep up with the news like that?

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The comparison I heard was data centers using the same amount of water as golf courses, and for that I was all, my brother in Christ, let me tell you what I think we should do with golf courses

Learned this years ago and it blew my mind. If you’re a writer on a show & you create your own show that gets greenlit, the showrunner you were working for is automatically an EP on the new show. They don’t have to do anything. It’s just the rules? But it explains a lot when you look at credits.

You come to me, on the day of my son's wedding, which I am not attending

It is with great regrets that I cannot go to Don Jr. wedding. I would love to be at the wedding of Don Jr., who is my son, and to the woman, but too many important duties make it impossible, including the war, which we have won, and also Grogu movie. Many Grogu duties. Grogu will be at White House.

I have to imagine cattle ranches do a lot of things ivy league colleges can’t. the cow-related stuff foremost but even beyond that, probably

Diversity of thought on the right = You wouldn’t believe how many possible ways you can be racist

Going to Lancaster PA for Churning Man

Introduce yourself with 10 bands you’ve seen live: Rodrigo y Gabriela Tegan & Sara Death Cab For Cutie Blondie Lady Gaga Cyndi Lauper Flight of the Conchords Herbie Hancock Sia Brian Setzer Orchestra

GRRM can’t finish the books, is replaced by GRWM. They all get written but they’re mostly about eyeliner.

Who wants to go see Stannis Baratheon’s ska band, Fewer Than Jake

the fuck it will

Do you know I actually think that these people are so inoculated from any public sentiment that they are legitimately shook by a handful of boos at commencements this week?

I mean, to be fair, who else was that money gonna be for

Towards the end of its approximately 20 year lifecycle, the venerable network procedural prepares for its eventual death by asexually growing offshoots that might survive it In this way, a family of Law & Orders or NCISs can tread the same ground over and over again for well over a century

We asked 100 people what is a good name for a man

this is a masterpiece

See, not everyone is old enough to remember that when the iPod came out, no one actually wanted to buy it but all our billionaire overlords were saying “embrace MP3s before it’s too late”!

With the release of The Mandalorian and Grogu, we are going to see a big uptick in adoptions. As someone who works in Grogu rescue, I will remind you: when you adopt a Baby Yoda, you are committing to its 𝘧𝘶𝘭𝘭 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘢𝘯. Grogus can live up to 900 years. They can also move shit around your apartment.

In an unusual flight path, jet flies into World Trade Center.