Starting to feel like Tylenol once refused to give Trump an Emmy or something

hi this is a dumb question but who is paying for this memorial service slash merch extravaganza?

Raptures are so much prettier in the fall

We air tonight on CNN and on HBO Max AT YOUR LEISURE

as long as we are in our Handing People Bags of Cash era, I suppose I am available

The debate around what is or isn’t “cancel culture” really just obscures a simple truth that it’s BAD to be massively racist/sexist/homophobic/transphobic and it’s GOOD to speak out against injustice. Some things are good and some things are bad and it’s okay to say which you think are which.

also, and i can't stress this enough, in 35 years the Simpsons has NEVER HAD ON A LIVE PERSON, JUST CARTOONS, I DEMAND JUSTICE AND EQUAL REPRESENTATION

Well i, for one, believe IF HE TRIES HARD ENOUGH HE CAN DO IT

i guess the president probably needs to take a few weeks off to take down the temperature too. you know, to be fair.

just want to add that this all started when they fired Amber Ruffin from the White House Correspondents dinner

aaaaaaand again

I just want to say that "Dying For Sex" was SO GOOD and the way they made cancer funny and heartfelt and sometimes sexy was something that should be STUDIED.

give Jeff Hiller every Emmy forever IMO

Everyone in Hollywood is exactly the same age now, and that age is 37

i am worried about us as a people

Ok having finally tested negative for my first bout of covid -- let me tell you i had forgotten how GREAT it feels the first day you're not sick anymore. I went to a farmers market. Watched some boats. Renewed my library card like it's 1953. I bought $12 worth of cherries BECAUSE I CAN TASTE THEM.

I choose to believe that this was when the baby learned to fly

We have to get kids off the internet and into musical theatre where they can get told “you’re not really an ingenue” and “maybe you’ll work when you’re 40” IN PERSON

Just heard someone describe a candle as “an investment” and now I need to take a nap

Even in times of madness, the Roosevelt Island newsletter remains my favorite publication

Among other things, today sets a record for the number of times i've typed things, erased them, and sent them to the group chat

how do like nine moments a day feel like inflection moments for the country?

WE BELIEVE HALF OF ALL DOGS WILL BE BEES

Apparently Epstein didn't have a single other hobby? Not one person was like, "Happy Birthday Jeff! Looking forward to playing some badminton!"

Adams needs to stay in this race forever. He brings me such joy. Make another speech! Do some more rhymes! We deserve this, Mr. Mayor!

TRAIN DADDY

all i want in the world is to live in this building

Welp. My 5.5 year Covid-less record is now dead.

DOG MAYOR

when i am president it shall be the department of PEACE. thank you for your attention to thi smatter

A little personal news is that apparently I have to start watching the news again. latenighter.com/news/cnn-hav...

WHITE. HOUSE. DOG.

six more seasons of "Better Off Ted"

People think Giuliani can't ever beat the pure insanity of Four Seasons Total Landscaping, but i have faith in him

i dunno, i'm kinda into furious, drunk-driving bananas

MOVIE PITCH: I have no idea what you did last summer. Honestly I saw your pics from Iceland like two years ago and was like “I gotta stop following her. She just makes me feel bad about myself.” Oh, you killed someone? So fun!

i did the thing again where i got too hungry to make food

ok how 'bout i let you swim in your poop-swamp and drink your ecoli milk and hide your lil bears, and you let me get a tiny shot of Moderna-delight in my arm

FYI Walgreens currently has Covid vaccine appointments available (at least in NYC) starting in early September and they are asking you to bring a prescription

This is such a no-brainer that the lack of a coordinated response feels deeply damning. A Democratic leadership team that can't mobilize an instant all-hands-on-deck effort on RFK Jr. isn't a leadership team at all.

pretty mad about the other stuff Trump has done, but I love salmonella so this one's a win for me

I like to think that Papa Snoop is what they call Papa Smurf in Kazakstan or something

one thing about writing for a late night show again is that i have to fully monitor the news again and oh no

OKAY BUT WHAT IF HE IS KING MIDAS. AND THAT ALSO EXPLAINS THE HAND MAKEUP. WHAT IF

would read!!

it does look like that thing where a dog who very much doesn't want to do the agility course is forced to do the agility course

oh man i am a sucker for whimsy in politics

i'm so glad i live the kind of life where i don't have to be mad about Cracker Barrels

hello and can i offer you a potato chip

ate the radioactive shrimp and it gave me superpowers (my superpower is vomiting)