I think my big problem is that I’m not very productive during my bedtime routine and that bedtime routine is 17 hours long

Are you telling me that Elon Musk was the smartest baby born in 1996?

love a little stinky dog get over here you smelly fella

You had a good run. An anonymous fear submitted to deepdarkfears.com/submit - thanks! Want to pick up some original artwork or a signed book? I'll be at Comic Arts Los Angeles this December 13-14th #cala2025 #comics #deepdarkfears

*throwing calamari rings to try to get them onto a toothpick standing up in a piece of bread* Is this squid game?

What I wouldn't give for a world where I could watch Knives Out and Glass Onion with first-time-eyes again.

He wouldn’t ever do and he also shouldn’t ever do it but I wanna see Dan Radcliffe as james bond little 5’5” jacked guy. maybe he has to do karaoke at some point. set it in 1954.

gif that pops up when I type my name

Curry burp

I was bored so… bread happened 🥖😊

Share a TV series you've watched from beginning to end more than once.

Hey, babe, relax your shoulders. Unclench your jaw. Unball your fists. (Babe is me.)

Huh.

Frozen morning and no bread in the house for toast. This is when I miss the old days when the Toast Man would be outside first thing, with his cart of sliced breads, shouting “Get Your Hot Buttered Toast”. And you’d rush out, choose a bread from the basket , and he’d brown it over an open flame.

What do you mean no one wants my motivational poster featuring Academy Award and Golden Globe nominee James Caan hanging from a clothesline with the tagline "You Caan do it!"?

Sitting on a toilet seat warmed by a robot feels at least ten thousand times better than sitting on a toilet seat warmed by another person.

at my think tank we think about dogs and books and nature and weed

Pepperidge Farm Remembers What You Did Last Summer

I'm in the level of hell where I can't tell where my nose hair ends and my dog's hair in my nose begins.

Quicksand, but it's loose one dollar bills in a Midwestern grain silo. The FBI refers to me as "The Scrooge McDuck Killer"

Whatever she did, are we sure Grandma deserved this??

If I ever want to distract my husband from something I'm doing I just need to say "it was all a dream" and the next five minutes take care of themselves.

He's a 10 but his life, his love, and his lady is the sea

Wishing someone in marketing had the stones to provide us with the Tampax & Gushers promo freebie tie in of my dreams.

sometimes when I'm feeling brave I put my feet in my shoes without checking for spiders first, and I think, "if there was spiders, they wouldn't stand a chance." I think that's me at my most courageous

I made TWO cakes today

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume? Me: i could try but life is a mystery

🎶Islands in the stream🎶 🎶That is what we are🎶

C'est moi

I'm "pinkies up while brushing teeth" fancy

Sometimes I forget Righteous Gemstones was a documentary

I only recognize my neighbours if they have their dogs with them otherwise they look like every other biped to me.

[To the tune of Pretty Woman by Roy Orbison] 🎵Baba Yaga 🎵Walking down the street 🎵Baba Yaga 🎵House with chicken feet 🎵Baba Yaga

oh wow that’s crazy oreos with bits of of oreos. in them Real Bits of Oreos

Today is the 9th anniversary of the day Maggie stole an entire pecan pie and got drunk from all the sugar. Happy Purloined Pecan Pie Day from our family to yours!

Cottage pie with leftover shoulder roast and coffee cake for dessert.

We are ten years away from Bart Simpson as the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, and it’s never felt more plausible.

Desperately seeking a mash up of the emergency calls in Die Hard and the emergency calls in Home Alone.

What fictional creature/villain traumatized you as a kid? Art by Stephen Gammell.

today is finally getting around to cooking all the vegetables day, and a reminder I should get brussels sprouts more often

everyone living around light pollution and clouds right now:

why are they "trad wives" and not "girls gone laura ingalls wilder"

[interrogation room] good cop: *sets coffee and smokes on table* here you go suspect: thank you cat cop: *slowly pushes coffee and smokes off table*

Me, watching the pilot of PLURIBUS: