Make a movie into a porn: 28 Gays Later

You're driving on an empty road when you hit it. It doesn't move. Jesus Christ. Nobody saw. You compose yourself. It's just a Muppet. Nobody saw. You get home. Go to bed. Your sleep is restless. When you wake you're warm. Itchy. Your skin feels... dry? Like felt. It's time to play the music

*walks around my house looking for scissors while making the scissor motion with my fingers*

Telling people I'm Pegapip but knowing I'm actually Toroto daily with a smattering of Trele Trubi when I'm on the rag.

Uncut Gems is a movie about dudes with floppy foreskins

No one gives unwanted wet willies better than my mom's dachshund.

*sings Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game to a Costco sheet cake.

i just want to live a life that Daria would be proud of

Cleaning the house from top to bottom before going away just to know it’s sitting there like that with nobody in it.

living in a 24/7 d/s (damsel/snidely) relationship with a girl who keeps a pair of airpods in so she can listen to oncoming train asmr to stay in "trackspace"

Ever wonder how some people manage to take longer toys vaginally? Well, let me introduce you to the wonderful world of the ✨️posterior & anterior fornix✨️ Thanks to them, seemingly impossibly long insertions are possible for some people (with enough practice, of course)! #sexed #reproductiveanatomy

Game show involving speed-run sensory-deprivation rage-room demolition called What's Your Damage?

Orgy = Exclusive Andgy = Inclusive

You’re welcome

My butthole when the bidet spray hits.

Really into manga, eh?

Sorry I’m late I was staring off aimlessly into space

me: “this edible ain’t shit” also me, just 45 minutes later:

1996: I can't wait to see what the world is like in 30 years. 2026: I miss 1996

his name was grogu he was a showgirl

The best revenge is stealing the rotating plate from their microwave

I wonder if there's a "Wilhelm Scream" of porn. Just a verbal orgasm so pitch perfect every foley guy tries to dub it in at least once per film.

Pronouncing Wichita Ike Chiquita.

Watching The Boroughs and thinking that the recurring sentiment of 'smoking weed and eating cheese is good' is not meant to be the primary takeaway, despite it landing so hard within my mind, body, and soul.

Hearing the distant tinkling of The Entertainer and repressing the childish urge to run outside barefoot.

EV's should have an equivalent to rolling coal, like shooting a ball of electricity out.

Who out here hooting at local lawyer owls?

100% read and not even mad about it.

Heating up leftover fried rice for breakfast and doing the Snoopy dance while it's in the microwave.

*me and 35 burritos forming a human centipede*

Risky Pivot is a great band name and/or sex position.

Cora is doing a Dr. Evil 😂

Calling pajamas 'peejors' from here on out.

Me by 1PM on a Saturday

good morning, West Coasters! the essay about cuck porn is good and the essay about Miller Lite is bad, if you’re just joining us

Hotels that stop breakfast at 9am are really overestimating me.

I didn't think I'd have to say this but if someone is talking about a mental health treatment that is helping them, you don't need to bring up how much you would hate it, how it wouldn't help you, how something else would be better, how you would find it a waste of money, etc

AI boom discourse has gotten so out of hand that it’s making the New Yorker relatable🫢 (with alt text)

My annual posting of bats dancing to Goodbye Horses for World Goth Day

I vacuumed this morning...

Mayo Clinic is such a weird thing to call a medical center, it's like, what? You couldn't find a winner between Hellmann's and Dukes?

What does my dog think when I scatter feed him kibble on the floor? Does he think he's doing me a favour every time?