It is with a heavy heart that I post this, according to my cardiologist.

Got my performance review.

What a weird-ass Rapture. Only the Constitution disappeared.

i really hope someone empties it out at the end of the day

This meeting could have been the rapture

omg omg i think im being raptured nope just stood up too quickly oof nvm

if the rapture starts when im on the toilet pooping will i be allowed to pull my pants up or do i just float up with dropped trou

ATTENTION PARENTS: is your child texting about the Rapture? KNOW THE SIGNS: LOL: left on land WTF: where’s the family ROFL: rapture only for losers OMG: oh ma geddon

The free speech activist who built a list of professors he worked to get fired for their speech must be celebrated for his support of free speech, and anyone who quotes his speech accurately in context will be fired and/or face state punishment by the champions of free speech, do I have that right?

Proctology is located in A55

tell me without telling me that she has to finish herself off after you fall asleep

Good for her!

(existential Borat) my life

[folds menu gently and hands to server] please may I have the applebee

“Well, I hope you’ve learned your lesson, Jessica.” “I have. I’m never drinking again.” “Good. When you’re done, my food bowl is empty.”

Server: a little Quiche before your main sir? Me: ok, but no tongue

Waiter: may i recommend the steak? Dracula: you may not

Whoever did this and I would get along well.

Emily Blunt: fuck me Emily Subtle: come up for coffee

me: you go first dolphin: oh man you are so fucked

The left isn’t “dancing on Charlie Kirk’s grave,” we’re just pointing out that, thanks to rhetoric like his, a lot of other graves exist.

you get a collect call from jail saying it is your pancreas

Everyone’s gonna be wide awake at his funeral. If only because they’ll play Kool & The Gang’s “Celebration” at full volume.

If a billionaire fell in a forest and there was no one around to hear him, that would be perfect

🎶 Whoa oh here she comes Watch out ants she'll chew you up Whoa oh here she comes She's an anteater

big day today

Capri Sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

Cry January

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

Marilyn Manson: Congratulations, you’re the new drummer in my band. You’ll need to pick a stage name that combines an iconic female celebrity and a notorious killer Me: I’ll be called Betty Boop Drunk Driving Marilyn Manson: You’re fired

you’ll eventually fall into the ocean

filled with the tears of your mother who’s never seen you wear that sweater she bought you even though you said you liked it

How the hell did you choose Mayor Humdinger over Mayor Goodway

sean connery’s alma mater

is it love? i bet it’s love

BUT NOT LIKE THAT, DIANE

i'm women are mentally re-dressing me with their eyes years old.

SEND NUDES HAIL SATAN DESPACITO

I did another starter pack. I hope I was able to: 1) include all the people I missed the first time, and 2) avoid duplicating entries. Check them out when you get a moment, or take a chance and just hit Follow all! go.bsky.app/RfwsqHa

2025 coming in like…

After hearing how eating too much sugar and carbohydrates affects the human body I’ve decided to cut back on the amount of people I listen to

for the potato fears not death

I‘m 41 today. Send thoughts and prayers. And cake.

You've got this Sheila! Just remember, new year new ewe!

I just think everyone in those john wick movies needs to use their words more

If I can't wear yoga pants, I'm not going If I 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 to wear yoga pants, I am also not going

So in the beginning of A Muppet Christmas Carol everyone is singing a song about how they all hate Scrooge and after that they simply eat all the vegetables, fruits and turkeys they just sang a song with and we’re all gonna act like this isn’t horrifying

Mmm, cucumber water. All the flavor of cucumber, all the excitement of water

[prison cafeteria] INMATE: What are you in for? ME: Quite a treat, if the food tastes half as good as it smells! PRISON CHEF: *blushes*