GO SEE “I LOVE BOOSTERS” IN THEATERS. @bootsriley.bsky.social is a goddamn genius.

Should never have tried to debate the King on anything Tolkien. Thanks for being a home to nerds everywhere, @colbertlateshow.bsky.social

At last, I shall have my revenge. Or die trying. Only one of us is walking away from this.

I LOVE BOOSTERS is a hilarious, bonkers, sexy-as-fuck masterpiece. You HAVE to see it in a theater just to hear an audience react to *that* scene. Leave the kids at home. WOWWWWW.

I’ve for all days lived my living by these good words of true that without big momentum the good things that hopefully will occur and they probably will can always find people in life.

Voice of Harold > 7 Chinese Bros.

Haunted FOREVER.

Although @pattonoswalt.bsky.social was eliminated in tonight's round of Celebrity Jeopardy, he still received $50,000 which will be donated to Alice's Kids!!!! A good man, he.....

Tonight!!! I am on the Celebrity @jeopardyofficial.bsky.social semi-finals!!! Tune in!!!

Listen, internet!!! See me on tour! Tickets at pattonoswalt.com 5/16 - Richmond, VA 5/31 - Los Angeles, CA 6/3 - Hermosa Beach, CA 6/13 - San Luis Obispo, CA 6/14 - Ventura, CA 6/19 - Pittsburgh, PA 6/20 - North Bethesda, MD 6/25 - Tarrytown, NY 6/26 - Keene, NH 6/27 - Gardiner, ME

Happy belated Mother’s Day!

I guess we’re doing this again?

The “innermost and darkest part of a shadow”?!?!? Really?

Oh yeah, @800lb-gorilla.bsky.social are wonderful. But — ARE they 300 lbs now? They on the ‘zempic?

How was it hosting the Pee Wee’s Playhouse 40th Anniversary at The Greek last night? (photo credit @blainerthings on IG)

My new special is OUT NOW! Watch TEA & SCOTCH on Gorilla Comedy+!

The 4th will be with you. Always.

TOMORROW’S THE BIG DAY. My new special Tea & Scotch will be available on Gorilla Comedy+! Use code “PATTON” to get one month free.

This is great. This is how smaller artists (e.g. me... though I do photography) make some money; maybe become full-time. This is using one's fame to pay it forward. Kudos.

There’s nothing like a perfect poster. Check out my new June show poster by @missmonstermel and support her art at missmonster.myshopify.com! You can grab your tickets to my tour at pattonoswalt.com.

When D-List villains fall under the desperate overreach of the A-List superheroes ...the desperation from each side brings everyone and everything to a boiling point. This is the world of Minor Threats, by @pattonoswalt.bsky.social and @blumjordan.bsky.social, and published by @darkhorse.com!

Join us on May 31, 2026 in Los Angeles for Stand Up for Climate & Democracy! @janefonda.com @@chelseahandler.bsky.social@t@tiffanyhaddish.bsky.socialpa@pattonoswalt.bsky.social𝘯𝘥 𝘔𝘖𝘙𝘌 will be taking the stage as we fight to save… well, everything. Our sticks are longer 😉 — JanePAC.com/ComedyShow

New TFH just dropped!

Beyond dystopian. “Our tagline is a threat.”

No such thing, Jimmy.

June is too far away. You can watch my new special May 5th on Gorilla Comedy+!!

Thank you, @pattonoswalt.bsky.social, for your role in facilitating my marital harmony

Sensing a theme in the May HARPER’S.

Amazing that in the national divorce the libs are getting the NFL, butter and cooking oil, being attracted to adult women, standup comedy, Bud Light, and now also Catholicism

BILLY GOAT GRUFF WOULD LIKE A WORD

What an idiot. But, as it is said in Psalm 1.34, “Pobody’s nerfect!”

Tonight on @colbertlateshow.bsky.social! Tune me in, seekers!

Is he healing Jeffrey Epstein?

“What are the best and worst Morrissey lyrics?”

There is no McTry.

brb off to invent pancake shoes

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

The end of a truly fascinating epic. I cannot WAIT to read this.

This really puts my problems into perspective.

Happy Easter you crazy bastards! youtu.be/U0LzsThR2eI?...

Companies just slapping my Grindr alias on products.

Hold your loved ones close. Finish up those streaming shows if you can.

Driving there now! See you tonight?

This is Pulitzer shit right here.

"Minor Threats: The Last Devil Left Alive #4 delivers a heist tale in the weird, wonderful way only this series can, as it races to the finish line." @darkhorse.com @pattonoswalt.bsky.social #NCBD #comicbooks #comicsky @blumjordan.bsky.social Read @cjwritesstuff.bsky.social's review:

He just has to finish his bath. FOLKS.

Most-requested-song-on-the-Dr. Demento-show ass headline

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Bud Abbott voice: SCARPETTA