guy knocked on my door he said “Hey! I’m Tyler I do all the spiders and mosquitos in the neighborhood” and you better believe i killed that motherfucker

you idiots! comedy is not about joy or building community or challenging systems of power! comedy is about teaching 14-year-old boys slurs and making sure women know if i don’t like their bodies! it’s called pushing the boundaries and doing it makes me very profound!

my bf has been away for awhile and i get scared being home alone so to create the illusion that there’s a man in the house i’ve bought two massive speakers one is playing every episode of the joe rogan experience and the other is playing 24hrs of big fart sounds

if we are gonna get old timey propaganda again can i at least see bluey rip a cig

steadily increasing the amount of poppers i do as i get older to prevent myself from becoming wise

(guy who supports genocide) trans kids will lose us elections!

just learned the colon is 1.5 meters long but i’m gonna tell guys mine is 1.6

hey i think someone just wanted to kill trump because he’s a facist pedophile war criminal! i don’t think trump staged a shooting to manufacture consent! i don’t think he’s ever put effort into getting consent!

i don’t like gay conservatives but i’m a big fan of their porn site raw&unvaccinated it’s a lot of daddy/son stuff where the daddy is like giving the son soup cause he’s dying of measles

Amazon could announce they will be pumping poison gas into the home of every poor person and the NYT would put out an article like “Is Poison Gas Actually Mmmm Yummy Delicious?”

i’m glad he just said “all you had to do was pay us enough to live” cause i would’ve been in there like “CAPITALISM IS A DIARRHEA! OUR LEADERS WANT US TO BELIEVE IT CAN BE WIPED UP WITH A LITTLE TP, BUT WE KNOW THAT THE ONLY WAY TO TRULY CLEAN OURSELVES OF THIS MESS IS TO GET IN THE SHOWER!!!”

all i know is that if my tight little ass was around during jesus times he would’ve risen a lot faster

do y’all think homophobia started because masc gay men were so protein obsessed that they started eating all the chickens in the villages and the straight people were starving to death

maybe we can convince liberals to protest the war on iran if we tell them it was started by chappell roan

i do feel bad for some of these middle class guys defending billionaires like man you make $50,000 a year and you come home every day exhausted do you really think elon musk works 800,000 times as hard as you do and still has the time to tweet all day about how hot his ai anime girlfriend is???

heterosexuality is the most natural thing in the world! that’s why today we are passing a law that bans gay people from tv, movies, music, books, medicine, history, schools, and public life. if you break this law we will feed you to a python.

once again, kids are not “turned trans” by trans adults! kids are turned trans as a punishment for disrespecting the bog witch

sick of people saying polyamorous folks are non committal you have no idea how may siblings names i have to keep track of

scouting was never about “preparing young men for the military” scouting is about explaining to a guy who used to be in the military why you remembered to pack your blue green commander deck but not food

if you are trans, you have to live. the world needs your spirit, your art, and when they bury these decrepit monsters clinging to power by lying about who you are we will need your help pissing on their graves.

they want you to believe that every trans person is automatically a soulless self hating pervert but that every powerful person on the epstein list was just friends with jeffery for his personality

i always struggle when people are like “homosexuality is not a sin!!!” cause the way i’m doing it? it definitely is

sorry trans people but the polling shows that men 18-36 who call their mom the c-word don’t think you have humanity unfortunately this does mean we have to throw you into the grand canyon :(

you’re allowed to have a genital preference but i do think it’s a bit like being an adult who only orders chicken tenders like do your thing whatever but you’re gonna miss out on some incredible restaurants

you’ve heard of Barbenheimer, now get ready for The Bone Melania

queer eye would’ve been a much better show if it was just five new gay guys every episode not even helpful ones they’re just like eating the stuff in your fridge and telling you to quit your job

you knowwww the outfits good when the uber driver asks you if you know jesus

everyone’s like “you should get diagnosed! you should get diagnosed!” and it’s like okay what ever happened to letting a woman be eccentric

one thing about gay guys is they’re gonna push the hell outta you

weird how whenever i don’t go outside during the daytime i start thinking that everyone i’ve ever met wants me dead

before i eat anywhere i check to make sure the chef has gauges

i love getting randomly added to an acquaintances close friends like yesss diva your mom IS a huge bitch and yeah i do wanna hear 30 seconds of a song that reminds you of your ex

it sucks that because of AI you can’t even believe pet videos anymore it used to mean something when a dog used a jet ski to save a boy from a shark attack

it’s hard being atheist with a catholic brain like i don’t believe in god but i do believe getting on my knees for a man can fix my problems

every year it’s always “imagine how you would feel if you were the turkey!” as if i haven’t been laid out on a table completely naked oiled up and spreading open my delicious hole for 12 people

it’s time to play why isn’t cousin in the family photo i’ve narrowed it down to jail, military, or gay

they are doing a ginger party at the abbey and i just wanna say that i think it’s fucked up to rob people just because they have red hair

The AI chatbot Jesus is just like regular Jesus but instead of turning water into wine he turns water into water that if you drink it you die

everytime there’s a new reason to boycott starbucks i’m surprised how many people are resistant they’re like noooo not my piss from the toilet! it’s fall! i need my big cup of pumpkin piss! i love paying $8 for my grande oatmilk piss with 3 shots of piss and extra piss foam!

of course these AI developers think they’ll be able to mimic people’s personalities their personality could be mimicked by a fucking doormat

i don’t know i guess i just feel like it’s really really easy to not be friends with the number one pedophile

Heyo! I am producing this event in December and I'd love to see you there! @siridahl.com's First Thirst LIVE at the Elysian Theater on December 8th! @littlepuck.bsky.social will be there discussing her first pop culture crushes, as will @haydenjohnsonn.bsky.social and Big Tim Murphy!

it’s a real problem that the only people using gender neutral restrooms are transgender or about to take the craziest shit of their entire life

i love when a guy is like “socialism sounds nice but the math doesn’t add up” it’s like brother you use chatgpt to make your grocery list you don’t even do kid math

you know they’ve got nancy pelosi up late right now trying to teach her tiktok dances

Shocked to hear about Dick Cheney’s passing, my condolences to his wife Pussy

i might be dressing to slutty because i was just walked by a hotel and this security guard said “don’t even think about coming in here” i was walking to taco bell

dog jesus: i turned this wine into water from the sink

i think all protesting has its purpose but maybe next time the signs can be a bit more “abolish ice” or “free palestine” instead of “trump is a big ugly gay guy who has a small fucking penis and loves drinking big buckets of cum! he might be hitler but even worse he is gay.”

cuomo going on logan paul’s podcast in an effort to win the “young people with no friends” vote